just blipping back onto radar screen. i hope things are going okay at home- and i'm sorry you're feeling soooo blue. BUT TAKE greathope from your comment of "feling relief" also. yay.
i'm wih whoever said find a corner and cry. it just happens. i can think of a few voice cracking , embarassing times when i was somewhere (drs office, etc) and just it all spilling over-
tough nuts to the world. i think people may understand and besides who does really care what the heck others think of ya? you're a ncie person in a sad mess- if they like you and are your buds, they'll have nothing but compassion & fellow-feeling.
if they are jerks - maybe not. but them, who cares about the jerks anyway? they're always looking for "the down side" of anything and everyone.
you sound good with this - it's a tough tough thing to stand up and just say it. must have been your rite time for it to happen.
funny that looking at your sitch &life- i'm thinking your h will really have a rude awakening in store when he realizes he is without you in his life. (i even think it in my lie- but you KNOW ALLLllll my neurosis, reasons, bnlah blah blah). it's that rod of steel and then some -
i'd have guessed the "before christmas" question was him just testing the waters and your resolve -
like he cant resist trying to touch the hot burner one more time- you know, how we do something to se if it still hurts or not- i know it doesn't seem to make sense. but i'm just sayin- that is what it seems like. he keeps heaping soething on to see what you do about it- kind of thing. what the heck it is, (REALLY) i can't imagine.
good luck with it- i hope it doesn't get you down toooo much- your inner self has spoken- she's had it - you can sit around and admire your strength and self-preservation. you don't deserved any of it- he's got some real nutty junk going on inside for sure- BUT - treating another hujman being so badly isn't acciptible either- so yay you for protecting yourself from it.
we're bak in nj- okay drive (one small tiff - he got enraged over a comment i made about a mutual friend- someone whose wife walked out on him and kids five or ten years ago- mlc for sure!!! ) i was talking about the gyy- and h said this guy friend was going on trip to visit son & surprse -= his ex wife was going with him. i said"maybe they're getting back together" (thieir eldest daughtr died in a car crash this past year- an awful tragedy) - he said "you haven't heard what he says about her" - i said "you don't believe he'd fess up to you about missing her - caring about her? do you" - (guys posturing for each other) - well- apparently i, mere woman, am not entitled to that opinion. was it soo rude of me??? i wasn't mad inside- he apparently was in a rage- i thought we werejust having a casual "wrangle" - he is a lawyer and seems to me everything in the world is a "wrangle". i like vanilla, e likes chocolae- can he really not see that everytyhing out of his mouth is contrary & designed to "get someone going".???? see what i mean about no self awareness??????
i have admiration for your standing up and saying stop...i think i too am coming to accept that h does not love me in any kind of way i believe love to be. (oh man- see, i still want to type "thinks he does not love me". i think i am a blockhead and - headstrong to a point of insanity about what i think- maybe i do not let my own brain allow the other person have their own "way" i also want to say your H 'THINks" he doesn'tlove you. i donot know how long or really if they ever really do realize it when we're gone from theirlives. i do think so- will they act on that? idk really. it's sad business. i think you're rite about this- and i am wrong to continue to drag my feet - laziness about facing "it all". oh well scarlet- tomorrow???
i am, as usual, confused . mixed signs. pleasant treatment for quite awhile now- but (i'm pretty sure) still involved via computer & visits with ow) (i'll think this til told otherwise- don't think i'll ever hear it). i think he'll piddle around til i die - or he does- and either i'll suck it up or blow dodge- now where did i put that lottery ticket - dreammmmm onnnnnnn
oh cr@p...
xxoo ((( ))) hope your day is okay- so, didja get the tree up- despite it all??? are you going thru the motions - does ithelp? got any pma? - areyou okay a bit with it in your mind? be very glad to be guy in the "gotta good jobn" seat- i know it would have been a very different me dealing with this 20 years ago- funny to be honest with self aobut whati am & what have become - (too attached? lazy/? nuts?) oh well i don't even feel remorse for what and who i am- i'm so tired of criticism- today i still like me and think i may be nice guy- sooomuch to do around here (take away halloween decorations? ) i'm not pausing to figure out anything in the world- now if i could just sleep-
we gotta sleep- i keep reading how much lack of sleep contributes to brain problwems, alzheimers, etc. --eeeeek - who needs more to worry aobut anyway?
tra la i just do not care asmuch anymore- just when i probably should care more- no juice left thanks.... hang on...
