Ambivalent, The lawyer is correct in the fact that he may very well drag this out for a long time. Many of them do that...my xh did and it cost me quite a bundle of money in legal fees.
Yes, he has not only abandoned you, but the home as well. A home is anywhere you live and trying to keep a home up by yourself w/little or no funding can be very frustrating and expensive. No one can predict when a water pipe may burst, a heating/ac problem may arise or the roof may leak. You and only you can determine if you can put a nest egg away for these types of expenses.
Now about your daughters' inheritance. You need to think of the here and now. What happens after you have crossed over to the other side will be their concern. You have to figure out how you want to live now. I know you want to leave your daughters' something after you are long gone, but that may not happen and if it does, I'm all for it...but you are in a financial bind right now and you have to think of yourself. Your daughters' are not living at home and are on their own. You are there w/your little pups. The decision must be made wisely and not just because you want to stay there, but look at it from a financial standpoint. Is it worth it? Would it be better to relocate to an area that has more opportunities for you in the line of work? Would it be better to find a place that is less expensive? Can I afford a new place? How much income do I need to maintain my current home? Keep in mind, spousal support may not get you to where you need to be for the mortgage, property taxes and upkeep.
The initial fee that the lawyer is charging is average. Let me share this w/you. When my xh walked, he wanted a legal separation put in place. I arranged that and at the end of the day spent $8,000 on a legal separation that was never signed because my xh dragged his feet for almost three years. After attempting to get a separation in place for over a year and half I advised my lawyer to stop all actions and wait to see what he would do. He finally filed for a divorce, but by that time I had spent out of my own pocket well over $14,000. This is what the lawyer was trying to tell you....they can drag the proceedings out, costing you thousands of dollars, and at the end of the day, both lose so much in the way of money and respect for each other.
As for buying time w/the mortgage, I don't encourage people to play around w/mortgages. If he stops paying the mortgage this month, then you are going to need to come up w/the money in order to keep it from going into foreclosure at some point. I think this is something you need to discuss w/the lawyer today and see what she has to say about it.
You need to accept that his feelings right now are his and that nothing you say or do will change them. I pointed out to you in a post on December 3rd that I saw the signs of him getting ready to go into full replay. When they are like this, i.e., dividing up of property, accounts and him advising you of things, then he has made up his mind that he doesn't want to be married to you and wants his freedom to do whatever. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but stating the obvious and how he feels. Your h has done a lot of thinking and apparently has been in contact w/lawyers discussing the options of ending the marriage and doing it in a wise manner. Your h has done his homework and he's been thinking about this for a while. What I do see is that he does feel guilty about leaving you in a bind and the fact that he's not been able to set things up better financially for you, but for now, they are his feelings to own. At least he's not been crazy enough to just leave you in a lurch w/all of the bills and you have to figure out everything. I will give him that brownie point. Mine walked away and dropped everything in my lap in the way of expenses, etc.
In my opinion, you need to file because you need spousal support now. You can't rely on him continuing to do so w/o some type of agreement in place. The agreement may need to have a statement in there that states he will pay spousal support until you finish school and have a full time permanent position. Please note, generally once you are working, spousal support will cease. Just food for thought.
You do need to acknowledge his email and when you do, do not share anything that you have discussed w/your lawyer. That information is to remain between the two of you. As for the $5,000 retainer fee, you may need to ask your parents for the money w/the understanding that you will pay them back. I don't think your h will cover this, but you can also put it out there that since he wants a divorce, he will pay all fees associated w/a divorce. The next question is...where is he filing? Is he filing in MD? If so, then your lawyer will need to be familiar w/MD laws and if he files in MD and you have to go to court, then there will additional fees associated w/travel time to court. Just things to think about asking. Keep in mind, if you file, you will be filing in VA and on your own home turf and he would be the one that would have to pay fees associated w/travel costs if the lawyer is in MD.
As for the gifts to your daughters, when you acknowledge his email ask him if he will include you in those gifts. In his mind, he's already separated from you completely and may not even have thought about including you in the gift giving process.
Ambivalent, I'm truly sorry you are having to face this. I traveled the road you are on many years ago at this exact same time of the year. Please keep in mind that I don't advocate divorce. However, the only thing that I would have changed is that I would have filed early on and if something had changed later on down the road, I would have been able to stop the divorce. A divorce is nothing more than a piece of paper and if God has a plan for you and your h to reconcile, it will happen when he sees it is the right time. Just remember, dragging out a divorce is very, very expensive and even though you don't want it, he does.
When you are dealing w/divorce, you have to leave your heart and feelings at the door and wear your business hat. You have to take care of you and your financial well being, as the mlcer does not worry too much about that when they are in the midst of a full blown replay. Nothing against your h, but you need to think of what you need to do in order to survive and live from day to day.
If you have any questions about how I handled my situation, I'll be glad to answer them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
