I have spent a lot of time reading Melissas thread... amazing I don't even have to do any thinking.. she is doing it for me!
The comment about planning and then being disappointed when it doesn't work so much me and hard to let go.. I even wonder about working on myself am I secretly..even not telling me...planning.. thinking about how to manipulate H. I hope not, I don't want to..Watched Lord of the Rings the other night.. Feel a bit like Gollum arguing with myself... weird.
So he has decided that he will not come here at Christmas. He is OK leaving me alone. My coach had said to expect it and plan for it..so I had but it was still hard to believe he would do that.. I think what made me angry and not just sad was I asked him a month ago what was his plan... that I did want to be with him but more importantly did not want to be alone.. I had no answer so assumed he would be here. Booking a flight to be with my family is now impossible all my friends here are going to their homes . We are an expat community. He knows all this and still looked surprised that his decision made me cry. As soon as I teared up he said Now I had better go.He said we could Skype... really I excused myself for a few minutes, pulled myself together then was able to say goodbye.
I asked when he thought we would see each other again. We had had a good discussion but leaving it for another month means we start from the same place I fear. Except we are thinking about how we can begin to reconcile, what conditions need to be in place for both of us...so maybe I am wrong there..anyway it is hard for me to talk once a month at tht intensity.
He said he did not know, did not know his work plans yet.. and asked why did it matter. I said that 3 weeks ago he said he would be here and did not turn upand did not tell me. He looked surprised, said did I do that, hmm that was bad... really!,, I said if I think he will make the effort to drive 5 hours then I do make the plan to spend time with him... otherwise I have other things to do... all true not manipulating or being a door mat
so he left...He had flashes of weird moments of anger.. but they were brief... better than a month ago and we at least came to some agreements
So now I have a preliminary job interview over in his town. I booked a hotel. I told him I would be in town, did he want to get together, did he want to have dinnner or lunch. He said lunch works for him. all good. He also said he is so busy at work that long emails hard to read.. good point he had mentioned he had a few things to do Saturday so when booking my train home I tried to send a brief email asking what time works as there were only a few seats left he replied... no pushing the time works for him....
I understand he means I was pushing... my primary sin in his eyes..and I knowthat is how I operated but am working hard to control me.... I did not see it as pushing.. I saw it as reasonable he did not.. So I want to say his problem, but I wonder if it my problem.. I think I am not being controlling when maybe I am .. amybe secretly. Part of me feels like saying don't worry about lunch.. but that then is not honest.. it would be good to get together ..he knows I would value it.. seems like a petty 180 a cutting off my nose to spite my face idea... and I will be there.. not like I am travelling just to see him.. I really am looking at my motives....I do not feel I am organising to get my way, he said lunch, I had said I will be in town.. do you want to get together.. He said Saturday, Friday didn't work.... Now I am questioning myself... I hate that ......am I being organising. seemed so simple at the time.. part of me wants to write and say forget it..but that is passive agressive
actually I really hate that he can be so unkind and I can still keep trying...maybe because I see changes, maybe because I feel he is depressed, maybe because I am a doormat.. I don't think so.. I really believe that for 14 years 90 percent of the relationship was good and actually he agrees so there is a place to develop something that works.. maybe I am fooling myself..
so here is the question I guess it is about detaching I don't know. We have agreed to live together in his new town with a new set of agreements...that was progress. we have agreed to sell this house...now the organising me would love to leap into action...if I do it will be pushing, if I don't it will be leaving it all up to him. A 180 here is to say nothing and let him do all the planning.. but is that fair..he has a lot of work stress but is that me then trying to control him.. I think so..
I feel a bit damned if I do damned if I don't..... He raised the topic... I think I will wait until he raises it again... offer to do what he thinks needs to be done or in our case make a list ask what would be useful for me to do...rather than telling... but then I look useless...
any advice or readings on making a plan for reconciling... how do you write your conditions without sounding controlling... How do you negotiate conditions that don't work for you?
Should I apologise for sounding pushy? too much coffee this morning.. bad for an organiser makes them go into overdrive..
