Great comments F, especially the observation that many of us look at other sitches and wish we had THAT rather than THIS because maybe our chances of R would be better. MWD says in DR that we should assume it will take 1 month for every year of marriage to resolve things. I'm not sure what her basis for that was or how valid it is, but in my case that would be 20 months for 20 years of M and I'm still not quite there although it seems like FOREVER.
Frankly I don't think DB'ing is that hard because I'm changing things about myself that needed changing anyway. The hard part is STANDING. Like you said, they may come back later... or never. I am not a young man and if I knew my W would never come back then I would push the D through myself and find someone else to share the rest of my life with. But as I've said in my thread, my biggest fear is that if I did that, then W would one day try to reconcile and then I'd have to face the most heart-breaking decision of my life. If I had a crystal ball and knew she would want to reconcile in... I don't know, say 5 years, even as long as that is I think I would wait. But if I knew for sure she would never want to reconcile then I'd end it myself ASAP to open the door to a new relationship with someone else. Not knowing, that's the most difficult thing for me in all of this.
Quote:
Sits with amicable WAS wish for not so amicable WAS (you wrote about this few days ago, AS – your post was a little in line with this.)
If it's the comment I'm thinking of, I think I said that I've read few if any reconciliation stories that involved low-energy WAS's (and my W is low energy to the extreme). I certainly did not say I wished my W was high energy, because I'm a type A personality and when I read the sitches here of what some people put up with in their high energy WAS, I would not be able to tolerate it AT ALL!!! LOL! So I don't wish my W was something else, I just wish I could look into the future and know whether she'll want to R or not so I could proceed accordingly (which is also probably a type A thing).
I'm asking in regards to you wanting to cut ties. If there are still things at your house that are hers, why not call and ask her to come get them. Or you could pack it up and put it in storage.
I have done that. She is adamant that she does not wish to do this until our D is finalized. I even asked her about changing her mailing address, so that she could receive her mail without relying on me. To me, it made sense, considering how she is now settled in pretty tight at OM's. She declined, stating that she didn't wish to change it until she knows for sure where she will end up. I am speculating, but I believe W and OM (as well as the other 5 people who live in the home) are moving. A little mind reading here, but I assume she meant she wanted to wait until after the move before changing her mailing address. Regardless, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It is not like changing a mailing address is a big effort.
Originally Posted By: labug
I'm not sure bringing up the apt would be a good thing at the moment. But personal effects, sure.
Why do you say this, LA? I ask, because my whole family feels it is a thorn in their sides that she is still occupying that apartment, 13 months after separation. My attorney has mentioned she would like W moved out as well. Actually with the exception of myself, and my fellow DB'ers, everyone in my life feels she should no longer be there. She isn't actually there anyway. She lives with OM, 24/7. She has for months. Daughter even has her own room, decorated with her things. For all intents and purposes, W is just storing her stuff (I guess) in the apartment. I think the reality of that situation will have to change very soon. It almost makes no sense at the point that she even has a key to our building, let alone occupies a portion of it.
Don't ever worry about Hi Jacking my thread, AS. You are always welcome.
What you said here, mimics my thoughts and feelings EXACTLY
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Frankly I don't think DB'ing is that hard because I'm changing things about myself that needed changing anyway. The hard part is STANDING. Like you said, they may come back later... or never. I am not a young man and if I knew my W would never come back then I would push the D through myself and find someone else to share the rest of my life with. But as I've said in my thread, my biggest fear is that if I did that, then W would one day try to reconcile and then I'd have to face the most heart-breaking decision of my life.
What you said here, mimics my thoughts and feelings EXACTLY
IMHO we all have these thoughts from early on but they increase in numbers and strength as time goes by. The speed of this increase is individual. At some point we let go and continue the separate life or WAS comes back. I several sitch the WAS comes back after this point is reached – just look at AS example.
So once again – You stand until you stop and when you stop R might still happen! Who the heck knows what the future holds but DBing tell us not to ruin a good present by worrying about the future. Live your lifes as you see fit – the greatest love of your life could wait just around the corner or she could not
I think this is the path we all have to walk but as one of you posted on my thread very early on: This is a marathon and not a sprint
I have read about and discussed the 1y/1m issue with DB-coach. I do not see this as a result of some big research - it seems more like a hunch that MWD and her team has through their experience – IDK. AS, you have some months to this mark yet! SP, How long were you M?
SP – I also apologize for the hi-jack. I just find this issue interesting.
All the best! F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I say it because you aren't Dd yet. I won't even venture into what the legal ins and outs of that might be.
What's your L's idea about having her out of the apt?
What's the hold up on the dissolution?
Well, here is the sitch. W is living in an apartment over our business. I am a "business" share holder. I am not the majority share holder nor do I own any of the property. W is technically staying in the property, not the business. My mother owns the property, so there are no ties to wife being able to stay there, not legally. She also has no rental agreement and no grounds for renters rights. With that being said, my attorney feels it would be in my best interest to get her out because it implies that I am putting a roof over her head. Attorney feels that could work against me come settlement time. Also, and I struggle with this one because this is my attorney, not my counselor, she feels that it would be a good head shake for W to see that there are some consequences to walking out on your husband. My attorney feels that I have been much too soft on Wife in regards to support.
The dissolution is....well...I don't know. Her attorney just recently asked for more of my personal financial information. other than that, I haven't heard anything. I haven't pushed it, and I am just not sure how this will progress forward without me doing so. I guess W can push from her end? perhaps she has. I have never been through it before. The whole process is foreign to me. I am currently living under the "don't ask, don't tell policy".
Couldn't you ask your attorney for a potential time line. I know a lot must depend on when the parties get their information turned over.
It sounds like you need this to be done for several reasons. To me, this is the true limbo. You're not Md you're not Dd, she's still "occupying" an apt that's a source of contention, she's living elsewhere.
Have you thought about moving your thread to Surviving the Big D? It's a active board and they have a very different viewpoint that might be beneficial to you.
Read over there a bit, see what you think.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I have read over there a little bit, and I do plan on starting a thread in the future, sooner than later is likely.
I just don't know how to proceed. In some regards, I feel like an old war horse in regards to this WAS process. I have been here for over a year now. I have grown and learned so much. in other regards, I feel like I am still completely lost as to what is going on and why. The simplest of things seem so confusing to me. I still get a whole lot from the newcomers forum.
The next time I speak with my lawyer, I will ask about a timeline.
Tragedy has struck my family. One of my triplet nieces passed away just after the New year. She was only 23 years old, and a beautiful girl with hopes and dreams. She was the middle sister of 3 girls from my sister. Her passing came as a shock to our family. I am feeling a sense of numbness. I don't know whether the reality has just not set in, or if the past year of my life has changed my heart and mind to the point where I just don't feel as deeply as I once did.
I am asking for prayers, so that my family can find peace.
