uR: I do know that Ms. Wonka has wanted closure. She's verbalized it. I still remember the pain etched in her face when she said those words to me. The pain was evident in her expression, words, and tone. As for the comment about knowing I'm sorry, perhaps it rings true on some subconscious level on her part. However, it is no substitute for genuine apology and sincere intent to make amends. Two totally separate things.
Perhaps you feel it won't change anything for you if it came from your XH. One needs to take context of the sitch and the parties involved. Ms. Wonka's worldview has always been one that's based on a strong sense of fairness. That is the trait that makes me want to try to make amends for Ms. Wonka.
Bea: Your suggestion is very good. I can see what you mean about the LBS not feeling heard by the MLCer. I hear you on this pretty clear! Will definitely work your suggestion somehow my my approach to Ms. Wonka. Thank you!
Cadet: Actions are indeed important in being congruent with words. A few days ago, I sent a Christmas card to Ms. Wonka. It is something that I need to be mindful of and work hard at rebuilding the foundation of friendship once again, if Ms. Wonka is open to it. Thanks for the timely reminder.
Heather: It is with hope that I am able to aid Ms. Wonka in the healing part and having her feel validated. As anyone knows, true healing requires the work of two people. I'll do my darn best here. At some deeper level, I sense that both of us are uncertain, unsure, unwilling how to open up to each other to heal together. In the background, there's a palatable undercurrent of pain that connects us like an invincible thread. Is that good for us? I think not.
Mach: I am an internal processor by nature. Hiding? Not really. It is just who I am...think things through and work through my emotions privately. When I am deeply affected by something, I tend to do one of the two things: 1) Shut down and push it/her/him far away at arm's length 2) Take a dive into the deep ocean that's Wonka. There's no between for me.
Goals? Repair the damage done to Ms. Wonka by my MLC. Make it right. Fix it. Ending? It would be nice to have some semblance of friendship with Ms. Wonka. Yes, I am fully cognizant that things will never be the same between us. We were really, really good friends. That is something I believe both of us miss in each other. Move on? I've moved on in my head. To a certain extent, our former spouses will always have a tenterhook lodged in our hearts. I think that's something we need to acknowledge and recognize ourselves. That is if we are truly, truly honest with ourselves. I've dated over the years and I do sincerely believe that I will find 'The One' once again. Guilt? Most certainly. It tells me that I have feelings and do have remorse for my role in the breakup. If there's no guilt, then something is wrong with me! In the early part of my sitch, it was quite heavy and it certainly weighted heavily on me. Now it has lessened to a large degree. This is a nice segue to forgiveness. Self-forgiveness? I think this is a life-long process. It is not a one fell swoop thing and you shout out from the rooftop "Hey, you are fully forgiven!! Let's party". To a large degree, I've forgiven myself for being human and trying my best. However, I do now see what I did to Ms. Wonka is not A-okay. See the difference? Pride? Not really. I have always respected Ms. Wonka's space and her 'relationship' with the OW. I still want to be respectful to Ms. Wonka as she's carved her own life with her family around her, with her job, and her community. It is self-awareness on my part not to intrude in her life uninvited.
Good questions, Mach. Thanks.
AJ: I do think it would bring BOTH of us peace and lighten our burdens by getting some thoughts out in the open. Not sure how this will play out. Someone has to make the first move, right? I do see what you mean by 'reconciliation' of sorts by talking openly with each other. How open is the big question here. Perhaps there will be certain limits on that because who wants to dredge up painful memories and feelings associated with this.
As for your inquiry about Ms. Wonka's EA/PA, yes it did pain me greatly to witness it as I was just coming out of my MLC. I felt every associated emotion as a betrayed spouse would/did. On some level, I totally understood why Ms. Wonka would engage in with the OW. She did not see any resolution to our relationship and she was in tons of pain being the receiving end of my MLC antics. Sure, the OW rescued her. That is their choice to make. Right or wrong...it does not matter at all. There's nothing moral pr moralistic about this as Ms. Wonka was in world of pain and she did what she thought best at that time.
Thank you all for your insights and perspectives. Much appreciated!
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With the holidays upon us, it is a special time for us to spend with our loved ones and reflect on the goodness of humanity. Our focus needs to be on what's truly good in each one of us and value what's real to us.
Sometime after the holidays, I will be sitting down and penning a letter to Ms. Wonka in taking the first step in making genuine and sincere amends to her. And the first step toward, what I hope, will be a healing journey for us.
In a separate post, I'll post some of my thoughts on how this came about for me and where I aim to go in the next few months.
