Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

He clearly left in monster on Saturday... he came home this morning and was very amiable. He came to get ready for work, but ended doing his morning meeting from home instead of going in to the office. Then he came into the room and asked if he could come snuggle in bed with me. We snuggled for about an hour in bed. Then we got up and he asked if I wanted to go and do some Christmas shopping. I said I would like that. He asked what kind of stuff we needed to go look at, so I listed off some ideas for son and added: "I wasn't sure if you planned on getting me anything or if I was going to get the chance to buy you something." He said he did want to get me something, so tell him some ideas. I said I could use a new purse, some boots or new shoes, maybe a new winter hat.

When we got to the first store he pulled up in front and told me he would drop me off while he went across the highway to the video game place. I told him that I would prefer it if we stick together and that I like going to the video game store too. So he relented and parked.

We picked out some clothing things for son. I picked out two winter hats and tried them on. H said he didn't like them. I mentioned they seem like a style he would probably think was cute on someone else, but not me. He said he didn't know what I was talking about... that I asked for his opinion and he gave it honestly, that was all there was to it. He later brought me a hat that was really cute, but the fit seemed funny. I wish it had worked out.

We browsed the shoes, but I didn't find anything I liked that came in my size. Twice he seemed to be extra interested in a pair of shoes... I told him to please not shop with someone else in mind when he is with me. He said that wasn't the case, that the shoes just caught his attention because they were unique. He showed one of them to me to verify... it was sparkley with a kitten face on the toe. I agreed that it was attention grabbing.

Several times through the day he told me he was "checking to see if he had any work messages on his phone." At one point I said that for all I knew he could just be lying to make me feel better. He said that he could be lying, but he wasn't. I told him I really do appreciate it when he refrains from doing phone stuff with "her" around me.

We browsed purses and I had kind of a melt down. There were literally like 150 purses and I felt like I didn't even know where to start. Everything I picked up just seemed "not good enough" and I felt overwhelmed with this feeling that everything I ever liked or picked out in my life must have sucked too. H saw me crying, even though I had walked away to another aisle. He asked what was wrong. I told him I used to feel confident in picking out things that look good and suit me or that I like, but right now I don't even feel like I know what I like or that what I like is good enough. He said he knows that it's his fault I feel that way right now and he is sorry. He went around while I was still trying to compose myself and collected several purses he thought "were my style" and that he thought looked nice. I did like some of them. I asked him why he picked the ones he did. He said he knew I like black purses, or sometimes purple but none of the purple ones they had were that cool. That he picked out ones that he thought "looked good and were simple and classy, not too flashy, not gaudy, nothing with fake animal prints and stuff like that." In my mind I almost felt like he was saying "your style is boring... safe and plain, yawn... (not like OW who is flamboyant and bright and screaming for attention.)" I thanked him for his help and input. I did manage to pick out a purse and his feedback was a big help.

After the purses he mentions that when he was there a week ago they had toaster ovens for a really good sale price. That he thought a toaster oven would be a really good "family gift." We went to the housewares section and found that the sale price was no longer valid. He mentioned we might think about getting a rice cooker, a coffee maker/Keurig, and a bread machine. I told him I liked the toaster oven idea best, unless he was really interested in getting a coffee maker (we have just made instant for years). I mentioned we could check prices at some other places or that I might have a coupon in my email to use, that he could come back for the toaster oven another time maybe. So we put it off for the moment.

Seriously? The interest in all the domestic stuff and the suggestion of the "family gift" threw me for a loop. We do often buy "gifts for the whole family" at Christmas, but I didn't think that was something we would probably do this year under the crazy circumstances. I certainly did not expect him to want to buy something like a toaster oven.

We went to the video game place, found some great deals on used games for son that we think he will like. H at one point said he wanted to go out and wait in the car, but then he didn't.

I could tell at that point he wasn't feeling well. He said he had a headache. I offered him some pills for it and he accepted them. Then he mentioned we should probably eat a lunch. We almost ate lunch then at a fast food place, but at the last minute he decided to take me to Panera Bread, which I like and we used to go to all the time together.

H ordered a salad and something which he realized after one bite contains beef broth. We have/had been mafists in our household for almost a year... it means you don't eat mammals, eggs, dairy, fish, and poultry are okay. I remembered that he had mentioned last week having eaten "a really good bowl of french onion soup"... presumably he brought OW to Panera and ordered this same thing. When he was with her it hadn't dawned on him that he was violating the dietary thing, but with me he remembered. So he didn't eat the soup after that first bite... even though I would not at all have begrudged him for doing so. He is really the one who was interested and advocated for the dietary change for our family anyways. I am not the stickler, I am just in content compliance. (I get the impression from other discussions that OW is not giving up eating mammals just yet. She gave up her "part time smoking" for him already after all. Raises some questions about their lifestyle compatibility).

I offered him some of my entrée and my baguette (I also had a half salad). He passed on the entrée but took the bread. He ate his bread and MY bread, a bit like a savage. I laughed and told him the way he ate the baguettes reminded me of a Viking. He thought that was funny. We had a nice lunch. I told him I had some gift ideas for him, but I didn't know how that was going to work out, that I didn't know if he even wanted me to get him something. He said he would be interested in seeing the ideas, so I handed over my list. I had to explain what a few of the things on the list were, but he was intrigued by them and said he would look them up online and think about it. He said he was relieved that I "hadn't written down something too personal." I said I had come up with some ideas that might be too personal... sexy lingerie and fishnet stockings and such, but I thought something like that might seem too presumptuous under the circumstances.

He said, "How would you have gone to buy something like that anyways?" I said I browsed some things online already, back before his birthday and I had a few things in mind I would have went to the mall store to try on. But of course right now I don't have any money to go spend on him and that I would have needed the car to go do that." He just nodded and seemed to contemplate. He didn't confirm or reject whether "something too personal" was a good idea or a bad idea. :P

Hit the Bookstore quick, then Target. Grabbed a board game on son's list, then we split up so I could grab some stocking stuffers, and he could look at some things in electronics. We met up afterwards and I told him I had passed through small electronics and saw they had several toaster ovens on sale. H was interested and wanted to look so we did. Ended up comparing for quite awhile and he then determined that "we should get the one that is normally more expensive, because it is only $5 more now but I bet it is better." I told him either one looked fine to me. So YES, we bought a toaster oven "for the family."

Son and I had boy scouts tonight. No contention about that, so that was good. It was Court of Honor and son received a few awards, so that was nice. Scoutmaster came over to me to ask me how things are going... I did end up telling him that we were dealing with "MLC issues in our household" via email a few weeks ago since it was keeping son from doing some events and I wanted him to know it wasn't for lack of interest or desire... that I hoped he would understand that son is doing his best to participate and do his leadership job. Scoutmaster has been very understanding and accommodating. Tonight he gave me a "general apology on behalf of men, because we are all so stupid. So very very stupid". I laughed and thanked him. I told him that although I suspect this will be a long, stupid, drawn out process that I am trying to keep my head on straight about it and hope for a positive outcome that keeps our family together. He said he admired the tenacity and if I needed some men to drag H out into the woods and beat some sense into him, he could find willing participants. I said I didn't think that would probably do any good, but appreciated the sentiment.

[Pudmuddle]

tigerlil, I get the feeling here when I read this post, that your H is holding things over you and is very manipulative. Do you feel that way? Just reading how upset you were and bursting into tears and moments of panic had me so upset for you. I could be wrong, just my observation.

I get the gut feeling that you need to work on setting more strict boundaries that would allow you some more freedoms. Maybe the vets might have some better guidelines.

I just hate seeing you so confused and feeling helpless with the way he is treating you.

[tigerlily78]

Yes, Pud I do feel like my H is being manipulative. Basically any and everytime I saw something emotional or negative or even make a request of him, then he runs away and/or seems to feel the need to punish me by withholding something. It's shitty. It's really shitty.

Then yesterday he tells me in the morning while I am still in bed "maybe we can do laundry and grocery shopping today." I took this to mean he didn't know yet what his plans were. I called him near his lunch break to ask for confirmation... was I doing laundry today or not, I didn't start any laundry this morning yet since he had said "maybe". He says he only said maybe, as in he didn't know if *I* wanted to do laundry today.

OH, so now we are pretending like he is considerate and I actually have some choice in the matter (yes, some choice when son is out of clean socks and pants to wear to school).

He uses the same phrase today... "Maybe we can go grocery shopping today, if you want to." I was bitchy... I admit it. I came right out and said, I see you are trying to act like you are a nice guy and everything is normal, and that I get some say in what happens here.... but we are nearly out of bread and eggs and milk and basic stuff. It's not like I have a choice. I either go grocery shopping or we can all stop eating food. Does that seem like a choice?

I tell him the list is already made out, he could just go do it himself since he wants to be in control so bad. He doesn't NEED me to go to the grocery store. He walks downstairs, clearly planning to leave.

I say, "so what's it going to be? Is someone going to go grocery shopping today, or are we all just going to starve to death? He says, "the first one" and goes out the door.

[tigerlily78]

I wrote him a note the other day when I was doing the laundry and left it in the car.

Basically, "son and I are both wonderful... we deserve to have someone in our lives who is 100% committed to loving and caring for us." We don't deserve the pain you are putting us through, and you don't even seem to care. You may be right, that in the long run we are better off without you."

H needed to take son to store in the evening to get some candycanes for at school. Apparently H apologized to son for "Mom and Dad not getting along lately and for all the anxiety it's causing in the house."

So once again, "if we only got along" then H seems to think there wouldn't be any *anxiety* in the house. Like what 14 year old kid thinks its normal and okay for their Dad to sleep somewhere else at night? Even if we were getting along splendidly, son still understands the implications of one parent not living at home anymore. He is not that naive.

[tigerlily78]

I spent most of yesterday evening crying. Slept terribly. I think I have almost convinced myself we are better off without him. I don't know if those shiny moments of the past really do outweigh the suffering he is putting us through now. There were plenty of rough spots and doldrums.

If H was an equal in the relationship, it came in brief spans... it was never consistent and reliable, it came in waves. I feel like I gave and gave and gave and accommodated and loved and sacrificed until I realized it wasn't appreciated and it didn't earn reciprocation. He gave what he could, but it was always stunted by something. Maybe the psychological issues, or maybe its true that he didn't really love me... at least not in the way I deserve to be loved. Whatever the reason or the cause, does it matter? That is a hard thing to have to realize. Did I really just spend 16 years of my life with someone who was incapable of really loving anyone, and I pretended my love was enough for both of us?

I cut about 6 inches of my hair off last night. There is one bit I can't get straight, but I just stopped cutting before it was disastrous. H had said I could go get it cut once recently, but never gave me money for it. Then he offered to cut it sometime, but I am done waiting on his "good intentions" that don't always pan out. I don't care anymore. My hair can look stupid and I am still a better and more worthy person than H and OW put together. That is a fact. The new clothes and the beard and the smile can't disguise what an ugly person he is right now inside.

I am angry at myself now for wasting the time and the energy caring for someone who doesn't really give a [censored] about me. I am mad I ever put myself in a position to have to rely so much on someone who wasn't really committed to US. I don't know if he even loves his son as much as he should, if he ever has... and that breaks my heart for my son. He deserves so much more.

[kml]

I am mad I ever put myself in a position to have to rely so much on someone who wasn't really committed to US

Ok - THIS is the part you need to fix. Because even if he turned around on a dime tomorrow and stopped his affair - could you ever really trust him again to the point that you would let yourself be this completely dependent? It's ridiculous that you have to wait on him to see if you can do laundry or grocery shop.

So - let's say, whether your relationship is repaired or not, you need to find a way to become financially independent. Number one on that list seems to be getting transportation of some sort, both so you can get to job interviews and a job, and so you can shop for and provide for your son.

Would your parents be willing/able to lend you a couple of thousand to buy a beater car? Or can you devise a business you can run from home until you save up enough money for a car? What kind of work have you done in the past? What skills do you have? Since you are not married, do you qualify for any financial assistance? (Welfare, food stamps, etc?).

[tigerlily78]

That is very good reasoning KML. You are right. And I am working on it. The job market is not very friendly. I am at this point willing to even work a shitty job nearby that I can walk to. I have applied to several.

From what I have read, it doesn't seem like I would be able to qualify for food stamps, welfare, etc unless H actually did move out of the house and his name was no longer on the bills and everything. His income would be factored in and make me ineligible for anything as long as there is some legal basis for him being "a member of the household" because he is blood related to my son.

I guess I can talk to my mom about it, but my family is not well off, I don't anticipate them having that kind of extra money on hand to loan to me for a car. And there would be the tag fees and monthly insurance on top of that.

I have past experience working at a bank running nightly backups (I would hope the process I ran back then is now obsolete), I have been a cashier/sales associate at a gas station and a grocery store, I worked as a home health aide for a brief time (this was mostly checking in on seniors, cleaning for them, helping with personal care and counting out meds, no actual nursing stuff). I can do basic website edits on Wordpress style webpages. I can do very basic photo edits and graphics. I know Quickbooks Pro fairly well (but am probably rusty now and don't own the software) from when I was Treasurer for PTSA.

I can sew, but not spectacularly well or efficiently.

[kml]

I have been a cashier/sales associate at a gas station and a grocery store,

How far is the nearest real (i.e. chain, union) grocery store? Could you bike to it? If you could get a job as a checker, at least that is a union job with reasonable support.

I can do basic website edits on Wordpress style webpages. I can do very basic photo edits and graphics. I know Quickbooks Pro fairly well (but am probably rusty now and don't own the software) from when I was Treasurer for PTSA.

There are free online courses where you could brush up your skills in these areas. These would be things you could do from home, and do as side jobs once you get a regular job, to boost your income. Why not set it as a goal right now to improve your skills in these areas over the next two weeks? You could do book-keeping and website management remotely, so that you are not so limited to jobs just in your geographical area.

I can sew, but not spectacularly well or efficiently.

Are there any simple craft items you could sew and sell online? I'm thinking about a super-simple bag for baking potatoes in the microwave that my mom bought once. Try to think of something unique and very easy to sew? Poke around on Etsy to get some inspiration?

Another question - what aspirations did you have, before they got derailed by caring for your son? What did you dream of doing? What would you do now if you knew you couldn't fail?

[TryingToDo180]

Hi Tigerlily, I think you could also do with a little pampering. If you've got a bit of apare cash then take yourself down to the local college and get the hair and beauty students to practice on you. Don't worry the tutor's always there to make sure they don't turn your hair green or wax all your eyebrows off people don't make use of the colleges as much as they should and it's a lot cheaper than going to beauty and hair salons to get your bit of pampering.
I had an IC once who said that I needed to spend a bit of money on myself, even if it's just a little bunch of flowers. She also suggested I give myself a bit of pampering just before I go to bed such as having a long hot bath, putting moisturiser on my face and body, etc. This won't cost you a penny. And remember, you're doing it for you not H! (((hugs)))

[JuneReN]

You need a job.. This is kindly said, because it really hurts me to read these things.

A job will give you some freedom financially and more importantly a sense of self worth that you don't have right now , but the potential is lurking just below.

Having read golf moms posts, do you have all the necessary documentation you need to start divorce proceedings? Have you protected yourself as far as you can?

I am not suggesting you go out and divorce the man, but it is better to be prepared.


Since you have no way currently of supporting yourself have you found out what your situation would be if he initiated, let's say, tomorrow? I'm sorry if you've mentioned you have and I didn't see.

Many lawyers do a pro bono with legal aid so ask around.

I would have asked for a present that I could resell on craigslist.

Take the keurig. Lol

Instant is yucky