Ah, T, my friend. I know that you think things through with an engineer's mindset.
And so, things need to add up for you.
I think when you look back at who you were with the knowledge you have now, it seems so clear to you.
Who you should have been, what you should have done.
The thing of it is that when you are living your life, trying to get through, you are doing the best you can at the time.
This really is true - had you known better and been better equipped - you would have done better.
And I know, without a single doubt, that your intent was never to cause harm to your w or your marriage.
That matters, T. It does.
Be careful here not to put your w too high up there. There are two people in a marriage. Her view of herself back then might be very different from yours.
The thing is that even if you didnt do all those things, you have no way of knowing whether that would have made a difference.
The important thing now is that you see things clearly. You have slayed your demons, you have done the work, and you have made your changes.
I know it is hard for you, with your clipboard in hand, to really believe that things happen the way they should. But, I promise you they do.
You could have done everything perfectly and this crisis would have happened. Because it isnt about you. It is about her demons.
You have learned all this when you were supposed to.
