I love reading your post's and my comments are few and far between because I don't usually have anything to add except support. So, here's me... subguy supporting you. Awesome stuff!!!
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Labug, thanks for sharing your story! It does sound like a victory. Funny how things like that can be so spectacular. Instead of letting it get out of control you were able to reach out to each other. And doesn't it feel so good? I've been trying so hard to communicate better with my husband, and sometimes it seems so unnatural to me. I'm sure one day it will come easier.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I don't want to belabor this point but we have to be OK with ourselves before we can be OK in a R, otherwise we put our partner in the position of filling the voids and they may not be ready, willing or able to do that.
When I was able to look very realistically at my circumstance and realize that I am worthy and know that I didn't want a person in my life who didn't want to be there it was a turning point.
I was me, I was good with that, I was no longer afraid, I could handle the house, the Sons and I were good, I had friends, a great IC who was helping me become whole, hobbies, etc. I stepped out of the victim role, the falling back on "look what He did to me." I took full charge of me and my life.
I didn't NEED him but I knew at some point I would want someone to have adventures with but also knew that person would come along when the time was right.
Just so happens, it was H.
Several books have helped me get to this place along with all the people here. One book by David Richo cam along at just the right time. A quote: “The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimizations rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.”
This is what I see happening in my M now, we're letting all that old stuff fall away. We're learning to relate to each other as very different people than we were almost 3 years ago.
And while I do have my fears, I recognize them, look at them, respect them but they don't control my life.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
WE talk a lot abut detachment. I read a post I wrote that someone else reposted and it was about fear and detachment. We have to overcome fear in order to be detached. There are no steps to detachment other than to overcome fear. There are things you can do to help but until you can face your life fearlessly, we're stuck
We stay attached because we're afraid of life without that other person. I know I wasn't detached until I was able to look at my life realistically and realize, not so bad. Actually pretty d@mn good.
But I had to overcome a lot of fear to get there.
I need to stencil this on my forehead, bug. And I am glad that you articulated it so well in such a short paragraph.
Not to hi-jack, but I am still toting around a huge bag of fear....fear that I am missing my son's life, fear of being alone, fear that XW will find someone else and ride off happy into the sunset with that person and my son while I remain alone...I could go on. And that is why I am STILL not detatched enough. Granted, I think I am more so than I was intially - but I'm still not where I want to be just yet.
Notwithstanding, I am glad you handled your situation well -- it's good to be able to feel growth and know that the "old you" would have handled a situation in a less-than-ideal manner.
WE talk a lot abut detachment. I read a post I wrote that someone else reposted and it was about fear and detachment. We have to overcome fear in order to be detached. There are no steps to detachment other than to overcome fear. There are things you can do to help but until you can face your life fearlessly, we're stuck
We stay attached because we're afraid of life without that other person. I know I wasn't detached until I was able to look at my life realistically and realize, not so bad. Actually pretty d@mn good.
But I had to overcome a lot of fear to get there.
I need to stencil this on my forehead, bug. And I am glad that you articulated it so well in such a short paragraph.
Not to hi-jack, but I am still toting around a huge bag of fear....fear that I am missing my son's life, fear of being alone, fear that XW will find someone else and ride off happy into the sunset with that person and my son while I remain alone...I could go on. And that is why I am STILL not detatched enough. Granted, I think I am more so than I was intially - but I'm still not where I want to be just yet.
Notwithstanding, I am glad you handled your situation well -- it's good to be able to feel growth and know that the "old you" would have handled a situation in a less-than-ideal manner.
Crimson
Those fears put you in a loss position, and imagine the type of attention you accumulate being in that type of mindset.
Fear, as well as jealousy. I think that my fear and jealousy had become a self-fulfilling prophecy, if that makes sense. I got so worried about my husband and fearing he would leave that it eventually got me there.
I am working at trying to get out of that mindset, of being afraid of what could happen in the future. In a way I am afraid of moving forward, but not enough to hold me back. I am going to go all in, and I am not worried about the consequences for once. I am actually ok, I know I will be fine. It's almost as though I have faced my demons, when he left I felt pain, but I survived. And it was empowering to know that I could do it.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
fear and jealousy had become a self-fulfilling prophecy
Makes perfect sense. We become a control monster to try to avoid those things we fear but that control is the very thing that drives those we love away.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
