I never thought of it as connected to my fears of failure but I see it clearly now.
Connected to other not so desirable choices I was making but not to that.
I can see this theme of fear and the exhaustive energy behind it has driven many of my avoiding/self destructive choices.
Now it begs the question.
Why?
Why did I adopt this fear mantra in my life.
Why did I allow that fear to drive me toward self destructive bad choices?
I had a decade of life avoidance and crisis that left me financially ruined and divorced from an equally self destructive woman in crisis.
Ok so I have already hinted that I think I was in crisis when I met exW and she was DEFINITELY in crisis.
So people in crisis tend to hang out with other people in crisis otherwise for sane people it is extremely chaotic.
Guilty.
So now I am asking the questions. Why?
Maybe I need to know so I know that sh!t can't fall out of the sky on me again.
So I know what it is. What it looks like. What it smells like so I can slay it when it comes.
Fear?
Yes that is the root. But deeper down there is my SELF.
Where and when did Truegritter lose himself? Why did I need to drop out and run away from life?
It felt like I was running on a hamster wheel back then. Life was all about achievement for others. Praise from others?
Approval?
Then all of that became exhausting. Fear beat me down...
The thought of going on with life as it was, was unbearable so ....
I checked out.
Depression before that. Drinking. I was already divorced by then which I think back now that was my trigger.
My first W cheated on me multiple times. So I left.
The analogy has been made here that your way back is like revisiting these old ways and you slowly close the door on the them and you don't go back.
That is what happened. Is happening.
I can't think about life the way I used to. Escaping and avoiding are choices that I no longer feel serve me.
So now.
Now.
I am aware of it all and need to know why. Not blame my ex wives. Not blame my parents. My business partners. My friends. Or my circumstances.
Me.
Why did I choose what I did? How can I avoid letting those feelings/fears drive me to similar choices albeit maybe less destructive but equally avoiding the issue...
I don't want to miss the big thing here...
And it is a very BIG thing.
It is the key to my thriving and not just surviving.
It is the legacy for my children. It is for them that I must slay these demons because I will teach them to be different.
I will not carry forward the sins of the father.
That is the work I must do and am here to do.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
