Thanks Wonka, funny thing is that he told her himself...gotta love that boy!
So, I've been doing some introspection lately. Thinking about BD, what lead up to it, etc. And my role in the M problems, detailed in my first thread about two years ago now. All those things I needed to look at and fix, and how I am doing on those.
When I made that list, from things W said and told me, to things I realized (or knew, but avoided), I was very cognitive about it, and how to work on those things...hey, I'm a guy....stimulus/response, plan A, etc
So cognitating on all that, reviewing if those things were fixed, in-progress, needs more work, flailing miserably, etc, I was freshly taken aback at what I was then and the years preceding. If W had all that crap that I had, I would question if I wanted to be married to her...then it hit me, not cognitively, but emotionally...
She lost hope.
All the times I tried, and failed, to quit doing "X", "Y", "Z".
The habitual behaviors like controlling, grumpy, drinking, smoking, etc.
That is what she meant by "You haven't changed". Not that I was the same person she married, but that the person I became wasn't changing his cr@p.
She lost hope. She lost faith in me.
I felt this emotionally this time, because I have had my own struggles with hope and her. I got it. The feeling she must have felt, losing that hope...Ephiphany.
I read the women's threads here, and "hope intact" seems to be very important, even to the ones reconciling. It is found in the R books I have read, if not mentioned by name, the concept is the same. I cognitively understood the concept, the reasons. But now I feel the concept, it's importance.
I get it.
I'm so ashamed of who I was. That I put her through enough cr@p, for her to lose hope.
That I took that love and acceptance I always felt from her, even when she was deeply depressed, I still felt and saw her love, I took that for granted. My ego didn't want to look at me with any kind of truth.
I so get it now.
Cr@p.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
