HB, those are VERY good signs. The number one rule in DB'ing is to give the WAS time and space. The LBS hardly ever does that until they well and truly think it's over though. Yours is a classic example, you got D'd and you assumed he was 100% done and so you went about your life and you truly left him alone. In that alone time he finally did the soul-searching he needed and he has probably realized that YOU were not the source of his unhappiness, and that getting rid of you was not the answer. If you're hearing that he wants to R, then it's probably because that's what HE is telling people. And it's probably genuine.
You ask what the rules are at this point. Well, first, do not have any expectations!! Let him drive the pace. Don't look at this as getting your old M back, look at it like you're dating someone new. You know how when you start dating someone you're a little mysterious? You're independent, have your own life, and you keep them guessing as to whether you're interested or not? THAT is how you need to be now too. Sure you have a history together, but in many ways it IS starting over again. And just like when you were dating, HE needs to earn YOUR respect and admiration. Make him work for it.
Second, remember your DB'ing! Much of DB'ing is for life. Remember to keep your GAL activities, even if you reconcile and remarry you still need to keep your own identity to keep the M healthy. Being a little codependent in marriage is normal, but being too codependent is harmful to the M.
Third, decide what your boundaries are going to be. Don't spring them on him right away, but if you start getting serious again then you'll want to let him know what they are. An example might be drinking, you mentioned in your OP that he would call and engage in drunken, angry rants. Does he have a drinking problem? A boundary might be that he needs to seek help for that if you're going to be in an R again. Another might be that if he's going to date you again, then he can't be seeing anyone else. Those are just examples, your own boundaries might be completely different.
Fourth, take it slooooooow. Don't jump right back into anything! If he pushes too hard too fast, don't be afraid to tell him you need to ease into it.
Read through threads in the Piecing forum for other tips.
