Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

I spent most of yesterday evening crying. Slept terribly. I think I have almost convinced myself we are better off without him. I don't know if those shiny moments of the past really do outweigh the suffering he is putting us through now. There were plenty of rough spots and doldrums.

If H was an equal in the relationship, it came in brief spans... it was never consistent and reliable, it came in waves. I feel like I gave and gave and gave and accommodated and loved and sacrificed until I realized it wasn't appreciated and it didn't earn reciprocation. He gave what he could, but it was always stunted by something. Maybe the psychological issues, or maybe its true that he didn't really love me... at least not in the way I deserve to be loved. Whatever the reason or the cause, does it matter? That is a hard thing to have to realize. Did I really just spend 16 years of my life with someone who was incapable of really loving anyone, and I pretended my love was enough for both of us?

I cut about 6 inches of my hair off last night. There is one bit I can't get straight, but I just stopped cutting before it was disastrous. H had said I could go get it cut once recently, but never gave me money for it. Then he offered to cut it sometime, but I am done waiting on his "good intentions" that don't always pan out. I don't care anymore. My hair can look stupid and I am still a better and more worthy person than H and OW put together. That is a fact. The new clothes and the beard and the smile can't disguise what an ugly person he is right now inside.

I am angry at myself now for wasting the time and the energy caring for someone who doesn't really give a [censored] about me. I am mad I ever put myself in a position to have to rely so much on someone who wasn't really committed to US. I don't know if he even loves his son as much as he should, if he ever has... and that breaks my heart for my son. He deserves so much more.