Guess I belong here now...

[sweetbabyred]

Thank you all so much. At first I really didn't want to write about my day because I felt frustrated that I wasn't as detached as I'd been convincing myself I was. I should have known that everyone here is so great and would give me the encouragement I need to move forward.

Subguy, thanks for the hugs! And for the awesome comment. I guess some of my reading on relationships/communication is sinking in and I'm realizing what I want. I just need to be strong enough and patient enough to wait for it.

Adinva, misery isn't attractive. If that were true, he would have come back the first week when I didn't eat, sleep, and barely could get dressed! You're right, it is brainwash. I think he actually believes it though, which is why it is so hard. Add to that his depression and I guess I'm still having a hard time trying not to fix the situation.

Oldtimer, thank you so much for taking the time to write me the sermon! I really do appreciate it.

"It is not a time to spend monitoring the path of another, edging it for weeds unasked, making building plans and buying supplies for a design the other does not seek to follow."

You're right. I need to focus on myself. I've been trying to make it so easy for him to return. So easy that he wouldn't have to focus on his issues or how to have a relationship. And even if that did work, if he did return without figuring anything out, we'd be back in this situation soon.

I'm a planner and a fixer. But I need to focus those skills on myself, because I have a hard enough time controlling myself and definitely can't control anyone else. Logically I know that, but emotionally it's hard to let him possibly fail. But he's an adult and makes his own choices.

Gabbysmom, I keep trying to convince myself that he's not really stringing me along or at least he doesn't realize that he's doing it, but either way he's not willing to commit to us and that's what really matters.

I know I didn't push him away. We made the same vows and I would have continued to work on things for a lifetime. He is the one who chose the easier option of getting out and trying to find happiness some other way. And I continue to enable him by making things easier on him.

I will always love him and care about him, but I think I'm finally figuring out that I'll have to do it from afar. Trying to be best friends with him keeps giving me false hope that he'll fall back in love with me and decide to do the hard work necessary to make a relationship work.

Thank you all so much for your support. I know I'm awesome, I really do, but sometimes I just can't get out of my own way. At least I'm feeling a lot better today than yesterday, so that's a good sign.