H just called, I didn’t pick up. He didn’t leave a message. H sent a text right away “Can you please call me when you get a chance today”.
When I saw his phone number on my phone I started to shake. What is it with me? I was counting on him to still be traveling until the end of the week. His call means he might show up today or tomorrow.
I’m pretty much prepared for the unpleasant news and to deal with whatever he brings on me, but I just cannot shake off the anxiety. I didn’t sleep well last night. The thoughts kept popping into my head. I know he was passing through his home town, and I was pretty sure that he was going to party there for a few days with his old friends from HS. This brought up some bad memories. I felt jealous again, because he did this party thing before when we had some rough times in our marriage. Then he was receiving the texts from one of his former classmates. The texts came late at night and on the Valentine’s day when we were trying to mend our relationship. I still remember this squeezing feeling in my stomach. Then I remembered his words about him starting a new phase of his life “after me”, and thought immediately that he didn’t change anything with his friends, it is just me who he didn’t want anymore. Everybody else is still in the old phase of his life. It is just me who was rejected and pushed aside.
This morning I woke up with the goal to get myself back on track with a positive attitude. I decided that I don’t care about his friends and his behavior. He can have whatever life he wants. Apparently he still wants to party, and I don’t want any of that anymore.
I don’t know why I am so hesitant to call him back. Wish me luck.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
