Finding nuggets of gold on this Great Big Hill

[bustingout]

I am hall to read about your day with H Pud. Positive energy to you and your family. Stay strong

[Pudmuddle]

She is clearly depressed and withdrawn. She also repressed her feelings and kept score of all the slights I may have made against her. After BD, she would make frequent comments about how I should have known. I wish she had just spoken up at the moment. For some reason she blames me for her not saying anything. I know it doesn't change what I must do, but it does put things in context.

Stay strong.

Thanks Dragon. My H is very much this way. Seems to think I should just know when I have been insensitive, hurt his feelings or made him feel rejected. It does put it into context that we may have to be more aware of their feelings and how they take things in. It's a hard one to figure out.

On another note, I found this info from uR over on truegritter's thread and I just loved it. I don't think I've ever heard failure in such a good light or explained this way. I read it to my S last night and he was very interested in it. He really like the pro-sports quotes at the bottom.

Found this on failure and fear of failure and it helped me.

Failure teaches you about will-power, persistence, self-discipline, and the value of hard work. One of the signs of living in fear of failure is distraction. When you allow distraction to overtake your life, you're comforted that your distractions can hide your potential to fail.

Ultimately, failure teaches you the value of persistence and hard work.

Embrace the fear and you release you. Failure can only keep you down if you continue to fear it.

Stay in the present. Fear of failure is a future projection of worry and a reliance on what happened in the past. If you're stuck in this kind of thinking, you're living life according to what might happen. Instead "just do it, now, in the moment... bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you're doing right at this moment.

Past failures are foundational lessons for better understandings in the present and an improved sense of living now; the future is created through your commitment to the present rather than your present being lead by your fear of tomorrow's possible losses.

Fear can cause you to let others make decisions for you in life; while that may be a recipe for not taking responsibility when things go wrong, it can also mean you lose your sense of creativity, innovation, and even your sense of self. Help show people it's not only fine to fail but healthy to break this fear.

These two quotes are favorites of mine.

“I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” ---Michael Jordan

"You miss 100% of the shots you dont take." --Wayne Gretsky

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks busting. It is a positive thing but also scary at the same time. With what we have been through it seems to make your mind wander to WHY they are being so nice. Preparing for another bomb? Or really trying to be nice and change things?

This is the stuff I put a huge stop sign on and try to just be in the moment and not let it get me in a frenzy.

[Feenix]

Hi, Pud!

I'm glad that your H says he is trying. And, yes, we all need that HUGE stop sign to remind us to stop over-analyzing everything....and to stop fretting about every little thing.

This past week, my mantra, when I start to obsess and worry is this:

"Can I change this? Is it actually something that I can do anything about?"

If not....then, I tell myself over and over "Then, let it go..."

In my last real conversation with my grandmother, she mentioned that the one regret she had in her life was that she wished she had worried less. She was known in our family for being a worrier....and in the end, she realized how much time and energy she'd wasted just worrying....often about things that never even came to pass.

I tend to be that way, too. But, I'm learning to work on just enjoying the positive...and letting go of the rest.

Have a great Wednesday!!!
AngR

[makingmagic]

Hi AngR... I like the way g-ma thinks...

mm

[TryingToDo180]

Hi Pud, Hope you're feeling more like yourself today Just attaching myself to your thread

[Pudmuddle]

Hi all, nothing new to report really in my mlc land.

Ang, MM, that's what grandmas are for! Awesome life advice. I really don't worry as much as I used to, but something like this that throws you for a loop is a test of that!

Ttd, attach away!

Things have been quietly interesting, lol.

My H had to have a colonoscopy the other day (because his younger bro had intestinal cancer) and he was 'suffering' the night before because he had to drink all that fabulous liquid medicine for the test. S and I joked with him all night about how he couldn't eat and how starving he was, he really took it all in good stride and was laughing at the things we said. Even made a few jokes about it himself. He had mentioned that night too how he thought a Five Guys burger sounded SO AWESOME.

So the next day his mom was the chauffeur for his back and forth (He didn't ask me, stung a little that he wouldn't ask his W, then I was over it that quickly too) trip. After he came home texted me that he was on his way home and that he would be sleeping off the meds. I said 'Glad it's over for you and put dogs in the cages so they won't bother you when you sleep'.

On my way home from work, I picked him up a Five Guys burger. I did this not because I was trying to get on his good side or because I wanted him to think better of me. I did it because...I WANTED TO! After I got home and he opened it up, he had a look of awe on his face and said 'Thank you for the burger that was SO thoughtful of you!' I said' Oh, you're welcome' and just stayed in my spot leaning on the counter. He actually walked over and gave me a BIG hug. That was so nice, he did it on his own too, no prompting from me.

Then yesterday, S and H had a karate belt test, so I showed up there after work, to support them. They both passed and tradition is he and S go out for ice cream afterwards. I usually don't go because I am not a huge ice cream fan. So I headed home to check on our dogs. When I got there H's personal cell was on the kitchen counter! Out in plain view. I was shocked only because it has been attached to his hip for the past 6 months...

He never would have let that out of his sight before. Guess what? I did not touch it. At all. And, it didn't bother me to see it sitting there, although I was surprised.

He really hasn't been out at nights or weekends the past 3 weeks now and he has not been on his phone at all while at home. And if he has been he has told me who he has been texting. Usually friends or karate friends for info. That's it. While I don't believe he has stopped 'seeing' Floormop, I do believe there has been some slow-down or something.

I am still awaiting to see what his Christmas plans might be with that...person. And the point I am at, I don't care but am curios to see what happens next. It's like watching a reality tv show now. Laugh at the people who think they deserve a tv reality show, lol. We already have plans to go over to his mother's house on Christmas day, so S and I have a place to go!

Also, now that my S has his driver's license, S asked H if he could drive the personal van (since H has work van). H had told him 'Sure, because I'm not using it'. This was the van that was HIS car after BD and what he drove to FM's house. That little tidbit again made me wonder and think Hmmmmm, intereeeeeesting...

Little nuggets of gold in them thar hills!

Meanwhile, I am doing my own thing, organizing Holiday stuff, giving gently used toys to a charity and making some pies for Christmas day. Going out with friends tonight, people from work I really love to be around. So I be good right now.

[BrightFuture]

Pud, thanks for stopping by on my thread. I’ve been reading your updates too. I am so happy that things are going smooth right now, and lots of good things happening. I hope this momentum will continue. I hope that Floormop (by the way, I love the name, it makes me smile every time I read it) is a history or about to be the history.

I admire your strength to not look at the cell phone records. It would be hard for me not to snoop right now, but my sitch is different, I’m just tired of unknown.

I like your attitude to be an observer right now. I wish I could do the same.

[TryingToDo180]

Good for you Get some GALing in, that'll do you the world of good Have fun on your night out with your friends

[Pudmuddle]

I posted something here a few days ago and it seems to have gone mia...sheesh.

Anyhoo, here is what I had posted on fb:
Ok, so things were going ok, kind of status quo. H was out grocery shopping. S and I were leaving in the car to go get presents from S to H and we saw H come down the same road towards us. We both stopped and rolled down windows. We told H we were going to a store to xmas shop. He then told us 'ok, I am going out tonight so I'll see you guys later.' For some reason, it still shocks me when he does this.

In the car, as we departed, I suddenly got really quiet. S knew it had bothered me. He didn't say anything but he reached over and patted my leg. He kept looking at me, I think to see if I was crying. I did not. But I did want to tell H 'We are going shopping for YOU, you @ss, and you tell us you are going out!!'

I tried to change my mood, but I felt like crying. I know I have to let him go but why does he hang around, make sure we are all set with housework, groceries and then we do nice things together and he still leaves. I know why, but it still hurts like heck.

In the store, I accidentally muttered out loud so S heard 'I don't even know why I'm buying him anything'. I wasn't buying him stuff right then but it was for S to buy his Dad stuff. Gawd, this stuff [censored]. It [censored] mostly because S could tell it was hurting me and I try to be so strong. But it is so hard.

I'm now in my room typing this and crying. Boohoo.


Then after this posting and him not coming home all night til 11 the next day, I was angry and hurt. I went down to his bathroom and found a new prescrip of viagra, so I flushed them all down the toilet. A moment of anger and a bad choice. He still hasn't noticed yet and I'm wondering when he will. It was a brand new prescrip so it was full of pills. Why does this make me so angry? His other person is 12 years younger so that would explain him wanting to perform for long periods. But then those thoughts get my mind spinning. Ugh.

This makes me so sad. I get so tired of all of this. I feel I want to throw in the towel too. I've asked or mentioned several times now that he needs to move out and he just keeps things status quo. It feels like he holds that power over me. I hate that thought...go away. I also wonder if he is giving her a gift for Christmas...and that hurts. Why do I allow this to hurt me.

Sometimes I think I am over the hurt and I am just not, it is buried deep and hurts like hell. So hard to maintain grace and dignity...I want to shake things up and do something that will make him take action, regardless of what it is. I don't care if he would want a divorce, at least it would be some movement. I think you all can tell that patience is not my strong suit. That has always been my way, to shake things up just to get some attention. Feels sad to want to do that now.

I want him out of here if he cannot want to participate fully in this marriage. I miss my family unit deeply. I miss doing things as a family, together all of us, wanting to be there and enjoy each other. I hate feeling alone when in my house.

Pity party for 1, table 5. Blech.