Stuck in the mud!

[2little2late]

I have read that since my wife gave me the "ILYBINILWY" speech that she more than likely is having an affair or had one.
My ex-wife gave me that same speech as she was walking out of the door 18 years ago. She did have an affair and my desire to stay married to her faded fairly quickly. I told her that I was done and we were divorced at the end of one year.
I am trying to walk the road less traveled this time and at least learn from my mistakes. As far as my wife having an affair I don't know if she has in the past but she doesn't seem very active now. I try not to snoop but my curiosity sometimes gets the better of me. I have checked phone and text activity from our bill and there is only the divorced wives club support group.
I know that this is a strong club and a woman scorned is a terrible frame of mind to break. One thing that I know is weighing heavy on her mind is the fact that she is responsible for a $150k debt to her father from his retirement account. He has on several occasions stated that he can't retire until that debt is paid off. She worries about how to pay him back constantly. She makes regular payments but it never seems fast enough.
Anyway I am trying to stay committed to my goal and stay in this for the long haul but if I sit through another happily ever after movie I may just scream.

Like I said.

UGH!

[LoisB]

Hi 2L2L,

You can become someone only a fool would leave. That's what to focus on. Become your most awesome self. Do those things you have always wanted to, but were afraid to try. Live your life to the fullest and allow your spouse to find her own way right now. She has chosen to take a path without you right now. I know it hurts, but you've been given a gift to explore your life and re-discover what YOU WANT.

May the force be with you.

Heather

[2little2late]

Yeah I have become that great person. At least I feel so. I have my life and do things that I want. I have gotten into great shape.
We also have been having a great time together though. There has been in no arguments. I have not pushed or pursued our relationship. My daughter and I go off and do things by ourselves. I'm a good cook so I have prepared fabulous meals. I have done repairs around our house. I have been a good friend to her listening attentively. Given her plenty of quality time and praise since I have found out that they are her primary love languages.
My wife includes me in everything that is happening in her life. If it just weren't for the void of intimacy in our relationship this would be great.
It is this living together that is tough. Being in a loveless relationship [censored].
How can I break down those walls or am I beating a dead horse worrying about it?

[LoisB]

2L,

First off, give yourself some serious credit for accomplishing what you have so far.

Only you can say if you are beating a dead horse. If you are able to provide her the support she needs right now without expecting much in return, then keep on.

I think it comes down to patience and what you are willing to tolerate and live with. This is not a journey for the faint-hearted.

Each day, you have to decide if this is what you want and if you are still willing to stand.

Maybe it would help to make a list of lines you are NOT willing to cross. What would she have to do for you to say, Enough?

Also, think about why you are standing. Why do you hang on? What about your relationship and your wife have lead you to this point?

From what I've seen, there's really no rushing this journey. Setting any ultimatums and/or giving her expectations won't do anything but cause you frustration and more pain.

Enjoy this day.

Heather

[Pudmuddle]

My wife includes me in everything that is happening in her life. If it just weren't for the void of intimacy in our relationship this would be great.
It is this living together that is tough. Being in a loveless relationship [censored].
How can I break down those walls or am I beating a dead horse worrying about it?

I am in this exact same position with my H, 2L. I feel this pain. My H says he stays for our S. The loveless, non-intimate part is painfully difficult when everything else appears so normal (whatever normal means). We can only hope that their niceness means there is a part of them that still cares.

I've decided I want to see what happens in our M, so I keep standing and try not to worry about it. But it is different for everyone. It does come and go in waves so hang in there.

[2little2late]

The highs and lows come in waves.

I know that there are 2 directions I can go with. The one that I control and are certain about is the easy way out by ending our relationship. Still painful, it is also the most damaging to my and her family and mostly to our daughter though.
I guess it is really time to put up or shut up. To commit. Not give in but to commit to seeing this through, good or bad, seeing this through.

[2little2late]

So here is my question again. My wife is not the type of person that will ask for what she wants. She never has been that person. She won't ask if we can work on our marriage she will just quietly decide for herself what she wants.
Is it ever appropriate for me to ask about us?

I guess not.

I answered my own question.

[Pudmuddle]

My opinion is...every situation really is different. I think if you have things you need to say then say them in the most db way possible. My H doesn't say much unless I bring it up too. I do it and then let it lie with him for a while so he can ponder. It is very hard to deal with that type of person. I know for me, I may have said to much in the past, controlled the convo, so it shut him down.

So it's totally up to you but be careful what you say and be prepared on what the outcome might be. And the usual, have no expectations from it. It might make you feel better in the short term.

[2little2late]

Thanks for the advice. I guess I will let the holidays go bye then reassess our situation then.

Thanks

[2little2late]

Pudmuddler,
I have often felt kind of crazy and couldn't understand how I could be married to and be so distant from my wife but looking back my wife has never asked for what she wants. She has in the past said that if I truly loved her I would know what she wants. I would tell her that I am not a mind reader.
In the end it was a stand off and we both just stayed frustrated.

We are in the same situation now.
She has said that she is done with our marriage but has never said that she wants a divorce.
She makes plans to go out together.
She makes vacation plans together.
She talks about moving to a new home together.

I am more confused now than I ever have been before.
In bed she faces me now when sleeping where in the past year her back was always to me.
We have more subtle touching in bed and while talking or sitting on our couch.
I want to make a move and kiss her but don't.

UGH!