BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

[lovethehub]

I didn't read it as overconfident either. I am happy for you that things are going well right now. Keep in mind, IF (I don't know if she will or not!) she has a time where they aren't, she is questioning things, etc.. just keep doing what you are doing.

[BC39]

Still been around but haven't posted in a while.

Things have been going VERY well. So well in fact that I've been tentative to post in fear of jinxing things.

W really seemed to turn a corner in October.

Our relationships seems to be renewed. SO many things have changed.

I don't want to get ahead of myself. These changes are still new. I'm still keeping my eye on the horizon.

If you look back in my posts to W and I's discussion in August, its crazy how far we've come since then. It worries me a little. We haven't had a relationship talk since then, but I almost want to ask her how she could think that way just a few short months ago. I'd like the verbal validation but I'll stick with seeing things with her actions for now.

This board and the people who have helped me have been a god send. I honestly don't know where I'd be otherwise.

I hope everyone is doing well

My heart goes out to those currently struggling (especially at this time of year). Listen and take in what the vets on here say, its invaluable.

[Accuray]

GREAT

[Accuray]

Great to hear BC39, good for you! How are things going and what is W saying now? Is she now attracted to you again?

Acc

[AnotherStander]

Things have been going VERY well. So well in fact that I've been tentative to post in fear of jinxing things.

Awesome! I think a lot of people who get close to piecing quit posting for the same reason, they're afraid that if they post a bunch of positive stuff it's going to jinx them. That's unfortunate because it makes it appear that fewer turn the corner than is actually the case. So spill it

[BC39]

Thanks Accuray,

We haven't had any sort of R talk in months and I haven't asked her if she's attracted to me again.

But her actions lead me to believe its headed in the right direction....

She gives me plenty unprompted I love you's, lots of flirting, kissing, hugging/cuddling. She holds my hand when were out shopping etc. (she had a hysterectomy 3 weeks ago so S is off the table for a while, but we've still "fooled around" a couple times since then). She tells me how much she appreciates me etc.

She talks about things we'll be doing next year (this hasn't happened since BD)

One dynamic that I believe has really pushed this forward is our work situation. We've worked together for a decade. That stopped 2 months ago. She now has all the time she wants to get her new business off the ground. I now make close to what we we're making combined, so I'm providing the majority of our income.

I'm taking care of her and I know she likes that. I've taken more of a leadership role. (She had more of a burden taking care of things for years leading up to BD a year and a half ago)

[BC39]

Thanks AS!

I'll give more details when I get a few minutes. I generally have small pockets of time to post here and it takes me FOREVER trying to explain things in writing

[BC39]

Quick Journal

W has pulled back a little in the last couple days. I found myself immediately wondering why and going down a negative thought process. My instinct is to also pull back...I fight with that.

...........

I'm curious on others take on a R talk.

As a quick recap, the last R talk we 4 months ago at which point she basically told me she didnt feel like working on the marriage and she wasn't afraid to lose me.

Shortly thereafter she did a big 180 and our marriage has been much much better (see my above post).

I find myself wanting to ask her "what has changed since then"? "how could you think that way such a short time ago when it seems like you think the opposite now"?

How long do I wait to have another R talk? Or do I even bring it up and just go from her actions?

To be honest, even though the last couple months have been great, I'm still nervous about having a R talk.

[Accuray]

Hi BC39,

Sorry to hear this has happened. After my W's affair we too went through a "honeymoon period" where everything was great -- as good as it ever was, and then she also started slowly pulling away.

I think there is some euphoria that comes with realizing your "bad" or embarrassing behavior is over, you won't be getting divorced and maybe your marriage CAN work out that motivates a returning WAS for some period of time, but then that burns off and you're back to more of a real world relationship challenge.

It's like they believe they can come back to a fairy tale ending, but real life isn't a fairy tale, and some of the long term challenges are still there.

I do think it's odd that you're concerned about having an R talk. The advice to avoid R talks is when you have a walkaway spouse who tells you they are done with you, or want out of the marriage. Having R talks at that point is a bad idea, because it tends to just further cement their position and puts you into a one-down pursuit mode.

Now that your W says she wants to stay married to you, your situation must become as much about you as it is about her, which is to say that when you need to have an R talk, you should have one. If you are dissatisfied, you should discuss that, because YOUR needs matter too.

If you suppress your own needs in the interest of not rocking the boat and keeping her happy, you are on the road to have your own affair. If you want it to really work, you have to have the tough conversations when they need to be had. If she walks away as a result, that's okay, because the reality is that she's not willing to do what it takes in that scenario.

Acc

[BC39]

Thanks Acc,

My W EA was over a year and half ago so the timing isn't conducive to a honeymoon phase, but we've certainly had our up's and downs since then.

In regards to my comment on her pulling away...it's only been a couple days, and even last night she seemed better. It's probable I'm being over sensitive, but I wanted to make a note of it.

I understand exactly what your saying in regards to the R talk. At the end of the day I suppose I'm looking for verbal reassurance that she's totally in this. Her actions of the last few months have would lead me to believe she is...and this was right after things were looking dire...so yes I don't want to rock the boat.

You asked me recently if she's attracted to me again. I'm not sure. She hasn't said the words. And I'm not sure how to ask her "are you attracted to me again"? She should be fully recovered from her hysterectomy by the end of this week. I think our S life from that point will be telling if the attraction is back or not.