So it's ok for her to express any feeling or emotion, but if I say the exact thing she has already stated, I'm the bad guy.
Yup! It totally bites, but that's the sitch many of us are in. I have to admit I've been pretty lucky in that regard as my W was pretty reasonable when we negotiated the S, and she also doesn't monster. So it's a lot easier for me to validate than it is for you and others here that have to put up with a lot more misery than I do!
Quote:
I understand she thinks it's all about her. She has stated before to me to stop making myself the victim.
Right, and that's the difficulty in dealing with a WAS is YOU have to see everything through HER eyes and respond accordingly. You have to constantly ask yourself things like "If I say X to her how is she going to interpret that and how will she respond?" I think I saw this in DR- it says to ask yourself two questions before saying/ writing things to your spouse- 1)what is my overall goal and 2)is what I am about to say/ do moving me closer to that goal or farther away? So if the overall goal is to save the M, then you have to constantly ask yourself if your words and actions are moving you closer to that or farther away. And to know the answer to that, you have to try and see things from your W's point of view. The problem is she's a WAS and her view of things is very distorted. You are the bad guy, you're responsible for the break-up of the M and for every bad thing that has ever happened to her, you can't change, etc. etc. You have to look at yourself through THAT lens and say/ do things that are contrary to that view (180's). And I think you're doing that pretty well, maybe not perfect but who among us is perfect at this?
