MLC and the holidays....tra la, la, la, la, la

[Wonka]

I want to make myself abundantly clear here:

Romantic reconciliation with Ms. Wonka is most definitely out of the question. Not happening at all.

[Whiterose]

Is this a question that Ms Wonka can answer for you Wonka? Has she given you clues in the past that would lead you to a better understanding of what she's looking for, and by that, you as well can find full closure?

"I want to make myself abundantly clear here:

Romantic reconciliation with Ms. Wonka is most definitely out of the question. Not happening at all."

this seemed strong to me.....has someone suggested that you do?

When I see this from vets I wonder do I accept there will never be closure or will H, one day, offer it to me?

I truly believe it's a 2013 year.....I have a friend that has been divorced for years and even she is telling me that this is the worst christmas since her H left her. 2013 was a year of change for soooo many people....which means that those of us that listened and made the necessary changes will reap rewards in 2014 (it's my story and I'm sticking to it:))

[LoisB]

2013 was a year of change for soooo many people....which means that those of us that listened and made the necessary changes will reap rewards in 2014 (it's my story and I'm sticking to it:))

Thank God!! I was beginning the think that reaping just wasn't gonna happen. :-)

[Wonka]

WR,

The only clue from Ms. Wonka was this: "I want a closure and I never got it."

Yes, I wanted to make myself clear about the reconciliation part as I anticipated that some people here on this forum might want to ask that question. I've moved on.

Here is a short summary to bring you [and others] up to speed on my sitch.

My maternal grandmother passes away in the Spring of 1999
Ms. Wonka and I bought our first house in the Fall of 2002
BD on Ms. Wonka on the day of her birthday in the Spring of 2003 [Certainly didn't win the Spouse-of-the-Year award]
Ms. Wonka engages in EA with her OW sometime in the Fall of 2003 which eventually becomes PA sometime in the Winter 2003/4
Ms. Wonka moves out of the house in late Summer of 2004 with the OW
The house was sold in the Spring of 2008

Our communication consisted of only 1-liners wishing each other Happy Birthday...that occurs 2 times a year. That was the totality of our "communication."

I inform Ms. Wonka that I've moved back home due to my father's cancer. That was in the early Fall of 2011.

Our first phone call in just over 9 years takes place in November 2012 after my father had passed away from cancer.

Then we had one other phone call on the day of my birthday in early 2013.

Since then there's been a sporadic of texts back and forth.

This has been the extent of our communications. So to jump from this to making sincere amends will require some real finesse.

Now can you see things a bit more clearly, WR?

[uRworthy]

First of all, Wonka, I am so glad it wasnt anything I wrote that caused you any upset.

I wanted to say a few things. I understand very well that Ms. Wonka wanted closure. I once wanted that, too. I dont anymore.

For me, it wont change anything, wont fill anything, wont explain anything. What happened, happened. Was it excrutiating? Ab-so-freakin-lutely. But it all happened as it should. The journey for me was a necessary one.

That is not to say you shouldnt offer it, if that is what you want to do. I am just not so sure she really needs it anymore. I am not so sure you can ever provide it.

I think you making sincere amends would be for you, too. I am just not so sure how you would go about that in a way that would feel right to you, or complete for you.

I applaud your willingness to look within and to realize what you have.

And I pray that whatever you decide to do, brings you both peace.

[beatrice]

Wonka, I will say what I would like:

A really sincere apology, being told that my xh knows he hurt me, and is sorry. AND him asking me what he could do to make amends. As LBS we did not feel listened to. Listen to her, it is a great gift.

I agree with UR that it will help you

[Cadet]

Wonka thanks for sharing.

I agree that ammends should be for YOU.
They should be ACTIONS not WORDS as I dont think I would believe any words.

What those should be are hard for me to tell you but think about it and maybe you can come up with something.


Mach thanks for sharing your first christmas, not sure you ever posted about that and I am glad you could share a little bit about your sich.

Merry Christmas everyone, have a great holiday!

[LoisB]

This has been the extent of our communications. So to jump from this to making sincere amends will require some real finesse.

Why?

I would take a sincere apology even after a hundred years of no communication. It would help me heal and feel validated. I don't agree that amends are only something you do for you. I think sincere amends are a gift you give to someone you've treated badly. Hopefully, you both feel better after, but it's not about you. It's about putting things right in the best way you're able.

[Mach1]

Wonka...

Forgive me for not reading all of your posts, I am just going from what I read here.

I completely understand what you are saying here, and backing away for some time to sort yourself out ?

Is that how you usually do things ? Or would that be you just hiding from yourself....

One thing that I do know, is that when we feel ourselves spinning out, the BEST thing to do is to get back to DB101 basics...

With that....

What are YOUR goals with this ??

What ending are striving for ???

I know that you said that you have "moved on"

Which part of you moved, your head, or your heart ???

When you come to those conclusions, then I think that you also ask yourself WHY are those your goals...

Is it guilt ?

Lack of self forgiveness ??

Pride ???


I do see a lot of each of those in that post ^^^

And any of those three can hold you back from your personal growth from this.

You are not the same person that you were back then. Neither is she...

And maybe, just maybe, you have nailed yourself at the foot of that cross for long enough...

[AJM]

I mostly echo Mach's questions and suggestions. Except I'm not sure you're really searching for an ending. Not "closure" in that sense. More like closure in putting your emotions on those feelings. Closure in that you can talk openly about it with Ms W and you two can reconcile (that's not a romantic relationship, that's reconciling your pains, hurts, etc).

You do seem to need to still forgive you and put your own feelings to rest. Which comes first? Your feelings or reconciling with Ms W? I'd say they go together, no?

She may not want to talk about it. But for you, you may need to risk some things to "balance" the equation and reconcile with her.

One thing that stuck out - you mentioned she had an EA/PA after the BD. Can you reconcile that bit for now? That seems a bit odd to me and might be a place to start with your feelings.

I totally get you feel the need to do this, Wonka. I kind of suspected it a long time back I do hope it helps you gain some peace and lightens the burdens you carry (what? You don't think you do? )

Peace,
AJ