I am finally posting for the first time here after following the boards for, yikes, a very long time. As you can see the first of March. I am not very good with message board postings which is why I only read them so I will give it a go.
I was married 12 yrs, still am at the moment. H left 2/22/13, the day after D11 birthday this year, not telling her he was leaving, against my wishes, leaving me to tell her when she was done with gymnastics that evening Dad was gone. A little back story, H also has S16 from previous marriage aspergers. D11 was his sports child. They watched every college, nfl game, wrestling, nascar, everything together. She loves sports yet she's very girlie. She just loved doing all that with Dad and he loved it too so him leaving was devastating.
Fast forward to today. He has spent a grand total of TWO days with her since February since he left. He doesn't call her. He does text some but she has now gotten to where she doesn't bother answering his texts.
He of course is leading a secret life. It's very easy for him because of his job. I won't say what he does but I can't have access to his phone, IPad or vehicle because they are all issued from them and well I could be .... arrested probably if I tried. Out of about 500 employees he's the 12th highest person and he's waved that in front of my face many times. It is very daunting to have to deal with.
I will add more later because at this point i am on this site to help myself. My husband is long gone.
I know it's kinda creepy that I am so familiar with so many of your situations already but keep in mind I've been reading on this board since March. I want my story heard so that maybe some bit of mine can help someone else like so many of yours have helped me in moving forward.
M:40 H:42 M: 12yrs BD: 2/1/13 H moved out: 2/22/13 D: 11 Divorce started 11/13
Thanks Portia, Yes when I first went through this a friend of a friend connected with me who had also gone through this and had reconnected with her husband after a 16 month separation gave me a list of books one being Divorce Remedy. I have read it many times along with about 10 other books. I have read through all the lists on here SO many times.
A little more about me.... I didn't just get the Ilybnilwy....speech. About 3 weeks before he left I got the FYI I never loved you and I hated our entire marriage. Well at first naturally I begged and didn't believe him. A little side note to today. I really believe he didn't ever love me unfortunately. Only time will tell I think I how I see him go through life the next couple years.
Our marriage... We had our typical ups and downs. I guess I thought things that could be worked through.
There were several things I just couldn't get over. The ex wife.....whenever her and my opinion were involved, H always chose hers. I would always tell him bad move it will come back to bite you and it always did. Second thing I could never get over, his parents never liked me....I never knew why and H, no matter how much I would beg him to find out why wouldn't. (H is a big avoider of conflict of any kind!!!!!) WELL this for the past eleven years upset me because since they didn't like me they wouldn't have anything to do with our daughter. H is an only child so his parents have 1 granddaughter and 1 grandson and won't have anything to do with my daughter. They have never sent her a dime, called her seen her or asked to see her. H son, they lavish with gifts, money etc. but send it to his moms. This caused a lot of tension early on in the marriage because I found out about it from the son and H didn't believe me and didn't for years .... More avoidance on his part. When he finally did confront his parents, yes they were doing that. So H didn't talk to his parents for 4 years. His parents are the type that quit talking to both sets of their parents when something made them mad, anytime someone stepped on their toes they just disowned them.
My parents have been like parents to H. We are a very close family. To say they liked him better than me was always a joke in our family but sometimes my sister and I really thought it was true. He was a good man.
I have researched to death MLC and have really thought that's what H is going through but really don't know. Other times I just think he's just walked away. He has it in his family. He has put me and daughter through heck. She and I have both been in counseling the whole time.
When he found out we were going....one of the few communications we have had over 10 months, he said "great, I hope it helps y'all. I don't need any therapy"
There's lots more to come but before I go.......my story has bits and pieces of so many of yours. I have cycled so much in the grieving process. A long time ago I went to IC and swore never again because I got nothing out of it. Well I tried it anyway.....it has taken me switching 3 times and believe it or not all this time it was a man that I go to now. I kept going to women and would leave there almost having these feelings of hate toward H. Well that wasn't my goal.
M:40 H:42 M: 12yrs BD: 2/1/13 H moved out: 2/22/13 D: 11 Divorce started 11/13
My D is 11 and had a similar, good relationship with her dad previous to this crisis. He did the disappearance act too. I have two D's and they both say it's felt like their father has died. He just isn't a part of their lives anymore. It's so strange, I know.
You will meet great people on these boards. WELCOME.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
So does my H have OW? Probably but who knows. That is just how secretive he is. But I have come to realize it just doesn't matter because he isn't coming home....now or never possibly.
I have to try and manage my life what used to be 2 people as head of it now 1. I have done so for 10 months now.
H did send me divorce papers last month through attorney. Everything in there was a joke. I know in DB a lot of people say sit on it some. I did not.
Fellow DBs...I took time off my very stressful job in November because things got to be too much. I know how all of you here feel. H is not going to give up on this divorce so I will give it to him but I will attempt to get what I want. My attorney sent his a response a week later. 4 weeks later we are still waiting. I do however think I will expect a nice Christmas present in the form of a response next week. He's quite ruthless these days.
M:40 H:42 M: 12yrs BD: 2/1/13 H moved out: 2/22/13 D: 11 Divorce started 11/13
Heather, Thank you for your kind words. I have realized through this last year how I used to look at people going through divorce when one spouse left the other, which was sympathy but honestly I didn't dwell on it. NOW I have an enormous pain in my heart for anyone this happens to. I KNOW how every LBS hurts. I'm there. I hope though that I'm getting better everyday and more detached from thinking I need him.
M:40 H:42 M: 12yrs BD: 2/1/13 H moved out: 2/22/13 D: 11 Divorce started 11/13
Welcome aboard... I would like to hear more of your story.
Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Thanks for the welcome. Reading this board has been a big part of my therapy for many months. I hope I can learn to be an active poster going forward. Thank you.
M:40 H:42 M: 12yrs BD: 2/1/13 H moved out: 2/22/13 D: 11 Divorce started 11/13
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome but I'm sorry it'd under these circumstances. If you've been here a while, not creepy at all as you did what you needed to, you'll know we understand
As for h throwing his position I your face.....obviously, he's insecure or it wouldn't even be a factor. The "do you know who I am?" Is nothing more than posturing.
Take care.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
