" When I told you before that I had not come to a final conclusion about our marriage, I was not being honest. When I moved out, my thinking was that I was unhappy and couldn't see continuing the path my life and our relationship was on. I've been struggling with my feelings about the state of our marriage. I don't like the idea of being divorced yet I didn't like the idea of staying in our relationship even more. I've met with a councilor on several occasions and with his help really tried to examine what I feel, what it means and what do I do about it.
I have come to believe that I am being unfair to you by dragging this process out and not coming to a decision about our marriage.
In talking it out, I realize that I have made a decision. I am not coming back. Maybe subconsciously I am uncomfortable actually letting those thoughts form in my mind, because actually saying it would mean hurting you more. Even now....it is infinitely easier to write this email than to call and have this conversation. Thanksgiving was bittersweet. While I enjoyed the familiar surroundings and the traditions of family etc, it felt awkward and uncomfortable.. I think I've been giving you the false hope that I would feel differently at some point. I can only imagine what the girls think.
I hate doing this during the holidays, but everything I read tells me that its relatively normal for this to happen at this time. The whole family nature of the season exacerbates everything.
So, It's time for me to face facts
I will not be coming to Hamilton for Christmas. I will have gifts for the girls (mostly cash) and something small for you. Please don't get me anything. This is hard enough for me already.
I know you want to stay in the house but I don't see how that's going to be possible. I just don't make enough money to keep things going as they are. Something has to give. Paying for d's apartment let alone tuition, Car repairs, your day to day expenses, my day to day expenses, paying for your school.... it's all killing me. Maybe if you had a full time job, it would be different. Honestly, you should be making a regular income of some kind. It's now been 7 months since I moved out. I don't feel that you have any sense of urgency.
It's time to take the next step and put in place a legal separation agreement. I will contact a lawyer and work on drawing up something. I don't want to fight about money, or make this any more difficult than it is. I will take responsibility for our debts and deposit money into your account. You need to decide what to spend it on. How much rent you can afford etc. After the new year, I expect AMD to reduce my salary somewhat and put me on a more normal Compensation plan. We can discuss what that means financially when I know more.
After the holidays, you should start looking into more affordable places for to live. I looked on Craigslist in Loudoun, if that's where you want to live, there are apartments, townhouses and even some single family homes available. It should be something that you decide and can afford with the money I will be putting into your account. xxxxxx should be able to help. We need to put the house up for sale. It will probably be a short sale. We can use xxxxxx for it if you like. If not, I will find someone else. Before I moved out, I met with a Mortgage focused lawyer about the process of a short sale. They can help negotiate with the mortg. co.and buy us time. I suggest not paying any more on the current loan. That will give us time to put some money aside for you to have for down payment on a rental.
For the time being, I'd like to communicate via email. Right now I feel like it's much easier for me to think clearly and be honest this way.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
