It was the best of times it was the worst of times

[Mimi00]

What made you send her an email saying how hard this was for you? You two were going back and forth on dividing things and you decided to share?

May I ask what made her feel deceived from day 1?
Its interesting....I feel the same about my H...but im the one who was left.

I'd say the response probably should've been shorter...simply validating what she said and the getting back on track, maybe: " I understand, that must've been hard for you....I do not want to make the process harder than it needs to be."

You know now for sure what you probably already knew deep down...she doesn't want to hear how you feel at this point....this is about her and what she feels she needs to do to be happy/free (or whatever her feelings).

I know that's hard, everyday I want to call my H and tell him hurt I am....and how the pain isn't getting any better even though its been months since he left....but what good will that do? As the LBS my feelings don't matter....the only time it will, will be if we reconciled. But until then most WAS dont want to her our hurt b/c in their mind the hurt we caused them is greater.

I hope you don't let her reaction get you discouraged. Simply stay on your course and keep doing what helps you become stronger through this.

[AnotherStander]

How did I do? 2X4 time?

Oh man, you did great until that last paragraph! This would have been better:

Thank you for your honesty and bluntness. I understand why you feel that I deceived you from Day 1. (You could have expanded on this a bit- "You sound frustrated about this, I can understand why you feel that way.")

I will continue to be civil moving forward- no matter what. Please don't feel you need to hold back on expressing your feelings for my sake. If you would feel better getting your feelings toward me out, I want you to know you can do that by any means you deem appropriate.

As far as my feelings, I have internalized them my entire life. I am working on being more open with my feelings. I only intended to let you know this was very difficult emotionally for me. I am not enjoying this. I don't delight in your pain. I am in no means implying that the opposite is true and you delight in my pain. I know I am not the victim. I apologize if you perceived me as stating that.

Respectfully,
H"

Here's the deal- she doesn't give a hoot about your feelings. YOU need to care about HER feelings, and you need to STOP telling her how you feel. LISTEN and VALIDATE. Communication is ALL about her.

[labug]

I read your thread but don't comment, I think I did early on.

As long as you were speaking from a place of truth, sometimes you just gotta say what you gotta say. I don't think you need a 2x cause your W took care of that.

What's your plan going forward?

[KdogGS]

We were emailing back and forth regarding finances. She is trying to stick $4400 worth of renovation debt for the house on my side of the ledger. They were joint decisions to purchase appliances and such. She is claiming $8000 worth of "equity" in the car we bought when we got here in March. We purchased it for $24000 and I paid it down to $16000. However, I'm not claiming any equity from her car, since she bought it before marriage. We sold 2 vehicles before we moved here. One was joint, one was mine I purchased before I even met her, and had paid over $16,000 on before we got married. So I told her it was hard and killing me because it is, and I don't want to have to bring up these issues.

As far as why she thinks I deceived her from day 1, she has stated that everything was a lie, and that I only told her what she wanted to hear. She said that the real me does not exist and never did. She does not know the man she married.

Of course I disagree with all of this, but I'm not going to argue with how she feels.

[KdogGS]

Thanks AnotherStander, I know you're the king of validation, I've read through a lot of your responses.

She made a comment in person a few weeks ago that said "I know neither of us ever expected to be in this position."
She also commented about multiple topics such as trading off the dog "I just can't do that, it would kill me."

So it's ok for her to express any feeling or emotion, but if I say the exact thing she has already stated, I'm the bad guy.

I understand she thinks it's all about her. She has stated before to me to stop making myself the victim. To some degree I am collateral damage, but I know she's the victim, that's why I included that part.

[KdogGS]

I read your thread but don't comment, I think I did early on.

As long as you were speaking from a place of truth, sometimes you just gotta say what you gotta say. I don't think you need a 2x cause your W took care of that.

What's your plan going forward?

Thanks labug, I always value your insight as well, you've given me another perspective, I tend to think much differently than others.

If I were to take her request literally, I would contact my lawyer and tell her I would like to move forward with the divorce as quickly as possible, since W states that will help her in the healing process most quickly.

She has not responded to that email, and I really don't want to be dealing with this over Christmas/New Years/my birthday Jan 2. I am going to lay low for awhile and see what step she takes next unless you have some other advice to offer?

[labug]

Here's my take. This isn't going to be the best holiday season ever, no matter what, right?

So why wait until after the holidays? Do you think drawing out the process is going to help somehow?

She's done, and she's been done for awhile, she wants out and she probably sees this as more of the same from you.

Do you love her unconditionally?

Do a 180.

[AnotherStander]

So it's ok for her to express any feeling or emotion, but if I say the exact thing she has already stated, I'm the bad guy.

Yup! It totally bites, but that's the sitch many of us are in. I have to admit I've been pretty lucky in that regard as my W was pretty reasonable when we negotiated the S, and she also doesn't monster. So it's a lot easier for me to validate than it is for you and others here that have to put up with a lot more misery than I do!

I understand she thinks it's all about her. She has stated before to me to stop making myself the victim.

Right, and that's the difficulty in dealing with a WAS is YOU have to see everything through HER eyes and respond accordingly. You have to constantly ask yourself things like "If I say X to her how is she going to interpret that and how will she respond?" I think I saw this in DR- it says to ask yourself two questions before saying/ writing things to your spouse- 1)what is my overall goal and 2)is what I am about to say/ do moving me closer to that goal or farther away? So if the overall goal is to save the M, then you have to constantly ask yourself if your words and actions are moving you closer to that or farther away. And to know the answer to that, you have to try and see things from your W's point of view. The problem is she's a WAS and her view of things is very distorted. You are the bad guy, you're responsible for the break-up of the M and for every bad thing that has ever happened to her, you can't change, etc. etc. You have to look at yourself through THAT lens and say/ do things that are contrary to that view (180's). And I think you're doing that pretty well, maybe not perfect but who among us is perfect at this?

[Mimi00]

Here's my take. This isn't going to be the best holiday season ever, no matter what, right?

So why wait until after the holidays? Do you think drawing out the process is going to help somehow?

She's done, and she's been done for awhile, she wants out and she probably sees this as more of the same from you.

Do you love her unconditionally?

Do a 180.

Interesting...maybe i am reading wrong....but I've never seen someone tell the LBS to help with the divorce process/move the process along quicker for the sake of the WAS. Ive always seen make them do the work...dont help but slow it down either?

[KdogGS]

Here's my take. This isn't going to be the best holiday season ever, no matter what, right?

So why wait until after the holidays? Do you think drawing out the process is going to help somehow?

She's done, and she's been done for awhile, she wants out and she probably sees this as more of the same from you.

Do you love her unconditionally?

Do a 180.

Interesting...maybe i am reading wrong....but I've never seen someone tell the LBS to help with the divorce process/move the process along quicker for the sake of the WAS. Ive always seen make them do the work...dont help but slow it down either?

I'm with Mimi on this one. Labug are you saying I should just push things through starting immediately for her sake?

I'm also trying to look at that as she might interpret, me trying to ruin the holidays for her by hurrying it up and making demands, adding to her misery.