Guess I belong here now...

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks gabbysmom for essentially telling me to relax on all the work and do some fun reading. I will, it's just that I do like to learn and know that I still have a ways to go at communicating my needs/wants effectively.

The last 24 hours have probably been some of the toughest I've had in months, if not the last year or so. About a week and a half ago, xh came back from a trip to fl. He didn't mention much about it and seemed eager to see me so I actually thought that maybe he was over her and would want to try again with us.

The last few days he'd invited me over, but last night was the first chance I had. He'd mentioned leaving on Sunday to see his family for Christmas, so I'd asked if he was still leaving then as I had something to drop off for them. He stated that he'd be dropping by his place on the way there.

I found out that he was planning to leave at 5am to drive back to fl to see her again and that while they're not "official" yet, they probably will be soon because she really likes him.

He said that he often wonders if we could get back together, but he thinks of all the negative stuff that happened between us and this new girl hasn't done anything bad to him.

He said he thought I was over him and was ok with us just being friends. I guess I did a good job recently at acting as if and appearing detached, but I broke down when I realized that I really wasn't.

I wasn't able to get to sleep and ended up having someone take my shift at work because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up a happy, playful attitude for six hours.

My ss moved back to NY, so I think I need to be able to step away from this friendship or whatever it is with xh. I was letting xh have all of the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility. And that's not good for either one of us.

I have to love him enough to let him go. I know I'm worth the effort to make things work, but I'm not sure he's capable of doing the work, for me or anyone else. I have to let him make the first move though if we do have a chance.

I need a strong man, who can stand behind his decisions and not be passive aggressive or just drift through life, accepting things as they happen. Someone who knows that all relationships take work and is willing to do the work.

I'd love for that to one day be xh, but I have to accept that it may not be.