Keep Steppin'

[Truegritter]

Crap.

It has been so long since I started a thread I forgot how to do it and link the last thread to here.

Cadet!?

Well I ended the last thread with my personal commandments.

This one starts with living those.

Keep steppin' forward.

Because I know the learning and growing won't stop until I am rendered unto dust...

So I have come to learn of myself that I suffer from low esteem/self worth and I am paralyzed sometimes by the fear of failure.

I am digging down into this and I find that it is this fear that drives negative thoughts, which become overwhelming at times. Exhausting to say the least...

And cause me to be counterproductive and anxious.

I am getting better at being aware of these thoughts and then

I can control them.

So that is "what" happens.

Why?

I find this is how I have been ever since I can remember and the weird thing is I can see myself in my stepson.

He is 12. And he is extremely hard on himself when he doesn't achieve things. He gets very angry and then decides he doesn't want to do that thing any more.

Because

The failure and the fear of it is EXHAUSTING.

I can't remember distinguishing or being taught to distinguish between my failures as a reflection of my SELF

And

The fact that all successes is, is a string of failures that help you get better.

A hard thing to unlearn or learn as it were.

And to teach my son...

So I am learning along side him and would appreciate some thoughts from you folks.

How do I teach my children the value of failure?

How do I help them see that failure is not who they are?

[AJM]

Welcome back, TG.

How do I teach my children the value of failure?

How do I help them see that failure is not who they are?

My thought? Same way you teach him anything else - by example and by positive affirmation when he "learns" another way not to do something.

It's next to impossible to unlearn something when you can't identify it. I'm glad it's only hard now

AJ

[Pudmuddle]

truegritter, I think those are awesome questions and ones I find myself pondering with my own S. I hate seeing him give up so easily on something and then refusing to try. I can't even think of words to encourage him to keep trying and that it's ok to fail.

I often think they are too distracted by the quick pleasure of video games and tv, etc and learned to have short spans when it comes to getting results. But I also know part of it is how I have taught him and I want to change that.

I'd be curious to hear what others think on this. Good stuff.

[uRworthy]

True, my friend, you know how I feel about you.

I so understand when you write this:

I am paralyzed sometimes by the fear of failure.

I have worked through those feelings, but, the truth is, still have a ways to go. I think that not believing we are good enough rests at the heart of fearing failure.

Failures serve as proof of this fear, and that causes us to want to withdraw and not try again for fear of being further exposed as inadequate and incapable.

So, I needed to learn how to shift out of my head space. Because the reality is that we will recover from failure. And the bonus is that you will gain knowledge, insight, and experience – wisdom that only those who tried something can get.

I have tried to treat each failure as a gift of learning what not to do in the future. I have learned the hard way that to master something, one must fail at it, a lot.

Found this on failure and fear of failure and it helped me.

Failure teaches you about will-power, persistence, self-discipline, and the value of hard work. One of the signs of living in fear of failure is distraction. When you allow distraction to overtake your life, you're comforted that your distractions can hide your potential to fail.

Ultimately, failure teaches you the value of persistence and hard work.

Embrace the fear and you release you. Failure can only keep you down if you continue to fear it.

Stay in the present. Fear of failure is a future projection of worry and a reliance on what happened in the past. If you're stuck in this kind of thinking, you're living life according to what might happen. Instead "just do it, now, in the moment... bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you're doing right at this moment.

Past failures are foundational lessons for better understandings in the present and an improved sense of living now; the future is created through your commitment to the present rather than your present being lead by your fear of tomorrow's possible losses.

Fear can cause you to let others make decisions for you in life; while that may be a recipe for not taking responsibility when things go wrong, it can also mean you lose your sense of creativity, innovation, and even your sense of self. Help show people it's not only fine to fail but healthy to break this fear.

These two quotes are favorites of mine.

“I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” ---Michael Jordan

"You miss 100% of the shots you dont take." --Wayne Gretsky

[Pudmuddle]

That was awesome uR. I may even send this to my son!

[LoisB]

When I break things down, overwhelming things become manageable and less scary to me.

Michael Jordan earned an average of 31.5 points per game. When asked how he did it, he said only focused on getting 8 points per quarter. He said he figured he could get 8 points every quarter in some way.

Also, I think biographies and history help kids understand the value of failure. History prof Lucas Morel put a list of Abe Lincoln's failures by year. With each failure, he added a corresponding success for the same year. You can see how each failure opened a door for a particular success.

As a teacher and mom, I think consistent, steady pursuit of a single goal helps kids see how failure and success is a part of any big effort. For a kid struggling with multiplication tables, daily practice and eventual, steady progress will help that child see how half the battle is won if you just show up.

[Truegritter]

Thanks for the feedback.

Distraction is a big one with me.

I never thought of it as connected to my fears of failure but I see it clearly now.

Connected to other not so desirable choices I was making but not to that.

I can see this theme of fear and the exhaustive energy behind it has driven many of my avoiding/self destructive choices.

Now it begs the question.

Why?

Why did I adopt this fear mantra in my life.

Why did I allow that fear to drive me toward self destructive bad choices?

I had a decade of life avoidance and crisis that left me financially ruined and divorced from an equally self destructive woman in crisis.

Ok so I have already hinted that I think I was in crisis when I met exW and she was DEFINITELY in crisis.

So people in crisis tend to hang out with other people in crisis otherwise for sane people it is extremely chaotic.

Guilty.

So now I am asking the questions. Why?

Maybe I need to know so I know that sh!t can't fall out of the sky on me again.

So I know what it is. What it looks like. What it smells like so I can slay it when it comes.

Fear?

Yes that is the root. But deeper down there is my SELF.

Where and when did Truegritter lose himself? Why did I need to drop out and run away from life?

It felt like I was running on a hamster wheel back then. Life was all about achievement for others. Praise from others?

Approval?

Then all of that became exhausting. Fear beat me down...

The thought of going on with life as it was, was unbearable so ....

I checked out.

Depression before that. Drinking. I was already divorced by then which I think back now that was my trigger.

My first W cheated on me multiple times. So I left.

The analogy has been made here that your way back is like revisiting these old ways and you slowly close the door on the them and you don't go back.

That is what happened. Is happening.

I can't think about life the way I used to. Escaping and avoiding are choices that I no longer feel serve me.

So now.

Now.

I am aware of it all and need to know why. Not blame my ex wives. Not blame my parents. My business partners. My friends. Or my circumstances.

Me.

Why did I choose what I did? How can I avoid letting those feelings/fears drive me to similar choices albeit maybe less destructive but equally avoiding the issue...

I don't want to miss the big thing here...

And it is a very BIG thing.

It is the key to my thriving and not just surviving.

It is the legacy for my children. It is for them that I must slay these demons because I will teach them to be different.

I will not carry forward the sins of the father.

That is the work I must do and am here to do.

[AJM]

The analogy has been made here that your way back is like revisiting these old ways and you slowly close the door on the them and you don't go back.

That is what happened. Is happening.

I will not carry forward the sins of the father.

That is the work I must do and am here to do.

Well, then you wouldn't be human, now would you. You already have carried some of the sins of the father forward. It's how it works, brother. But you do have the choice to be able to reduce that load. To give your future generations the tools to deal with the past. The example that it is worth it.

I see a lot going on here, TG. Glad to see it and glad you shared it.

So there is a burning desire to know "why?" Why you chose what you did? Is it really just so you can avoid it in the future? Or is there a different reason?

While we're at it, can you reiterate what you're afraid of and where you think that fear comes from?

AJ

[Truegritter]

So there is a burning desire to know "why?" Why you chose what you did? Is it really just so you can avoid it in the future? Or is there a different reason?

To kill that fear that still exists so it doesn't wear me down. So I can delete it from my life. So I can live life.

While we're at it, can you reiterate what you're afraid of and where you think that fear comes from?

I think it is fear of failure but more specifically my failure in my career and financial stability.

Fear of shame.

Some of that is the residual of my crisis and choices during it I know.

But I think that is the root of the fear. Not achieving what I should achieve.

There it is the "should"

Should?

For whom?

Am I setting some unrealistic goal for myself?

Very good questions AJ this is helpful.

[AJM]

To kill that fear that still exists so it doesn't wear me down. So I can delete it from my life. So I can live life.

I don't know that killing the fear is the term I'd use. Facing it might be more like it.

If you're setting an unrealistic goal, where did you get that goal, TG? Who would think less of you if you didn't achieve it?

AJ