I have been having the same thoughts running around in my head for 2 days straight, ever since H told me that he has been carrying around resentment towards me ever since I moved in with him in 2003. I was shocked to say the least. It upsets me quite a bit.
On one hand, I have the feeling that I can't win.. he is always going to be mad at me about something. I also feel like I was unable to fix things because it was out of my control, as I didn't know the cause for his pain. How am I going to ever know if he is holding a grudge against me? I also feel guilty... guilty for causing him so much agony. Over the years I have had a constant feeling that I have done something wrong to upset him, and I didn't understand why.
Ok, now that I have got that off my chest I am going to forget it!
Ok... hitting myself with a 2x4 before anyone else does. Things are DIFFERENT now. It is NOT the same relationship we had 10 years ago. We have gone through a lot and learned from our mistakes and are coming out stronger. We are communicating better, we are opening up to each other. If things start getting off track again we will be secure enough in our relationship to confront the other person. And, when we do, the other person will be there for support. We will not shut each other out, and if we try the other will be there to call them on it. We will address our issues on our own, sometimes with the help of counseling.
He is opening up to me now, finally, after all of these years, that has got to be a good sign. He must feel comfortable and safe with me now, for whatever reason. I believe he feels confident in how things are going. Why now? Perhaps it took him leaving me to see things clearly. I think perhaps for all of these years he has placed all the blame on me and now he is coming to realize that we have both played a part.
I am feeling a very strange, hard to explain, mix of fear, happiness, elatement, and hope. Not sure how it is possible to feel all those things at once.
Taking a leap of faith...
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
