uR: It is NOT your fault. You are doing a great service here with your wonderful & informative postings. I need to take full ownership of my own feelings and thoughts.

Ambi: Generally speaking, I have forgiven myself and Ms. Wonka. However, I am catching myself drifting off to places that tells me that I need to re-examine why these thoughts and emotions are cropping up now.

Job: Yep, I started to notice that I was feeling somewhat straight-jacketed in the last 3 weeks and I wanted to break free. I'm going to borrow rH's phrase that right now I'm sorting out what is mine, what is happening externally that is making things a smidgen uncomfortable for me, what is 'that uncontrollable' factor that's been bothering me lately.

To a certain extent, the holidays are also having an effect on this process as well. No, I'm not having another MLC! Good Lord...no, no, no.

In a nutshell, I am experiencing some emotional 1-2 punches from reading Bea, Raine and uR threads. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I guess it pains me to see how much emotional pain that your MLCers have inflicted on you and I am feeling really awful that Ms. Wonka has faced somewhat similar circumstances. Maybe I am become way too aware or more insightful of these kinds of emotions that each one of you are experiencing.

This just makes me want to make amends with Ms. Wonka in some fashion. It is the inner ember that is starting burn hotter and hotter. My hesitation to do this are the two seemingly road-blocks in the path:

1) Ms. Wonka is still very much 'together' with the OW in a long-term relationship.
2) How is it truly possible to make amends with Ms. Wonka with the OW in the picture?

Lately, I've been mulling over and OVER Bea's comment in two threads back about making sincere amends. That really put cold water on my face reading it and made me realize that I truly need to make sincere effort for Ms. Wonka and I. Ms. Wonka's words still ring in my head to this day: "I want a closure and never got it."

I am flailing about on how to make amends with Ms. Wonka that are genuine and sincere. How???? What would it take for you to feel that your MCLer has made sincere amends? I want to firmly close chapter that is hanging by a loose, jagged end. I'm feeling a bit lost here on how best to proceed. Truly lost.

Bottom line: Ms. Wonka deserves this after all the pain she's endured with my crazy MLC antics.