Moved Back from Overseas to Figure This Out...

[S4tk]

1) Should I say anything to speed up the S? From what I am hearing, there's a good chance she won't see her need to change, or come anywhere close to wanting to reconcile, until S happens.

No. Read Dobson's "Love Must be Tough", I think I suggested it earlier. It will address this. Basically in Dobson's terms you need to throw open the cage door, let her know you support her in whatever decision SHE makes. But it is HER decision to make. Your attitude should be that you want her to stay and work on the M, but you respect her wishes and if she feels that she needs to leave to be happy then you are not going to stand in her way. Read the book, you'll find it helpful.

Another Stander wrote the above in my previous thread. I did go ahead and read the book he suggested, and I am wondering whether knowledge of an OM might make a difference in how I choose to act?

Dobson actually recommends something a little more drastic in a case where an OP is part of the picture and the WAS is saying the M is over, but living at home and not leaving the open cage door. In Dobson's words, I think he says something like sometimes it is necessary to "precipitate a crisis". He talks about a tire blow out versus a slow leak. At least with the blow out, everything is obvious and out in the open. The WAS is then given an opportunity to look inward rather than blame the LBS.

I have been thinking about the Dobson route for the last few days. It appeals to me because the knowledge of the OP makes it painful to interact several times daily with W and I am seeing that if she wants out and feels done, then basically she has chosen OM over me.

But three voices are keeping me from forcing a blowout: my IC, myself, and a good friend.

My IC seems to think I should talk to W but to "invite her back into a new, truer R where we acknowledge the old M is dead but we commit to a new R with mutual repentance" and to acknowledge knowing about the OM but let W know I don't think she is a bad person because of it (IC is concerned, having met W, that she has been conditioned earlier in life to see herself as bad - and that my own faults and issues have at times fueled that false perception of herself).

My own voice doesn't want to do anything before consulting a L to determine how leaving with the kids or asking her to leave without them could damage my ability to get custody (at least shared). I am very concerned about that.

Finally, my good friend who knows W and saw her in the months surrounding BD is concerned that if I precipitate a crisis, she might do something harmful to herself when everything is fully out in the open.

So it is Dobson and myself vs. my IC, my friend, and myself. I'm fighting myself, never a good sign. Where do members of the DB community fall?