NEW LIFE / NEW ME - AIRBORNE II

[sandi2]

I didn’t see what you explained but I did see the sentence as blaming or pointing at her decision…but I thought I was supposed to do this. See, Sandi – I try to follow advice to the word so when you say left I go left and continue to do so until you say right.

We have been over, under, and around this issue. But for the record.....once and for all..... you are NOT to word any blame, punishment, or judgment. If she "gets" it figured out (in other words, she gets the message)without you wording it, that's great. If she doesn't get it, you still do not put it in words. Why is this not clear? I did not say that you should tell her that since she broke up the M and causing pain for the children that you were not attending the party!!! I hope she understands the equation, but you don't have to literally spell out the words to her.

Again, let me try to make myself understood. You must move with the stitch. If you wish to ever reconcile, you must not stay stuck on the same actions that you were doing while in the LRT.......or there will never be a reconciliation! At one time, you may have been told to stop doing this or that......but as time goes on, there will be a shift and you need to slowly make another change. So don't tell me how you follow advice to the word, when I have told you this more than once.

She hasn’t declined an invite yet all though I have declined almost everything.

But I told you back some time ago to not decline almost everything during December, unless things were not good between you. The only thing that I have precisely advised not accepting lately has been the birthday party. I could try to explain all my reason behind that advice, but frankly, I'm a bit discouraged in doing so. And, for the record, just b/c you decline a BD party this month does not mean that you decline every party next month. Your action of declining the intimate party was to send a message to your W that the two of you are not a "couple" and you aren't playing that scene. However, you aren't to preach to her, either.

When you write small steps I really need some examples!
Are we talking about a walk-by-touch? A littler firmer hug when I see her? More invitations?

Two out of your three examples were physical touch. No touchy-feely stuff yet. You don't even know if she'll go to the movies with you! Besides, if the woman is interested, she'll want to go to the movies with you without kids alone. IMHO, that will come before she wants all the touchy-feely steps.

An example of a small step is inviting her to something that is casual and with the kids. The movies with kids is a good first step. She's coming over before Christmas, maybe she would like it if you actually planned the evening, instead of her having to tell you what to do. She seemed a bit taken back when you told her that the two of you needed to "discuss" the 23rd (or whatever day it is). Why must it have an agenda? Relax and just show her a good time while she's there. Make dinner, play some games with the kids, whatever. But stop acting like a stiff shirt when she's around.

You keep talking about her eating cake. I like to have never made you understand that that's what she wanted, and now you see everything she does as her cake eating. And, I agree that she is. However, can you just try to lay it down for a few days b/c I think you are becoming too rigid for Christmastime.

I have been more pleasant, talkative and so for the last weeks but this seems like almost pursuing.

I know, I keep up. You have not pursued. You've been nice. That's all. I

F, I know a few months ago that I was telling you not to make Christmas plans as she was wanting to do at that particular time. It probably confuses you that now I'm encouraging you to cautiously warm toward her a little bit (through the next couple of weeks). It is not b/c I've changed my mind about everything that I say these things. It is b/c of how she has been and what her friends has said about her. I am saying to take a little chance but don't push it and go hog wild. You men tend to think in a "all or nothing" mentality but it doesn't work when you are DBing. You make a little step and then sometimes you have to stand still, or step back, before you can make another little step forward.

These reports are some weeks old now. I see asking friends about W as snooping but I certainly can do this – should I?

No.

I hope your mother is recovering well!

Oh, thank you much. I am very, very tired. Maybe after the holidays things will be better. I sure hope so.