You are all so proud of me. I just feel a little resigned. I thought dropping the rope would feel freeing, that no hope would be left but that is really not the case.
AJ said it very well:
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As for the dropping of the rope? I'd say you're getting there. I see a lot in your post that tells me you want the inner voices to change the subject, but they have not yet.
I really did think (hope?) that perhaps we may try to mend when he called me after eight months and started to text frequently. That his repationship ended, I thought was good, too. But that was not the case. It was a touch and go. Only in response to me did I hear from him.
Even after he received news about my dad whom he has never asked about since.
I need to reset and so, forced as this is, I am not calling or texting - back to where I was in the fall. Except not quite. I am forcing myself ahead.
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Sounds like you have reached the pinnacle of detachment.
I don't know about that, Amb. I still care which means I can't be perfectly detached. But I am not afraid anymore, no matter what he does. A little sad, but not afraid.
WR and Job, thank you both so much for your kind words. Christmas will be a difficult one this year with many missing from the table. But we are a large family and I treasure that. New traditions will be made, I'm sure. But if it is a quiet Christmas, I am really OK with that, too. What I want for Christmas is to take a deep breath and start fresh in the new year.
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He may have told you those things when he left were his reason, but I'd say that it's been my experience that anything opposite to you would have done. Mine it was all about having another baby but not with me We have two kids already, and I'm fixed (mutual agreement years ago). But this was just after her nephew killed himself and I think it was just how she felt at that moment (looking back). Others I know? Similar stories - anything opposite will do.
I endorse this wholeheartedly. For 18 years, he knew where I stood with kids. I wanted to travel and see the world and work on my career. He always knew that and in fact long ago we had a serious discussion. He was in agreement. By asking for the white picket fence life, he knew that was the opposite of everything that I am and wanted. But I truly believe that had I been the white picket fence type, he would have wanted the opposite.
I do wonder if Christmas will bring anything from him - phone call? text? but in an odd sort of uninvested kind of way. I do wonder if he is with his GF again, but again in a sort of nosy, talk about your neighbour kind of way. I no longer bleed when I think of him being with someone else. There is nothing I expect form him as he is. There would be a whole lot if he tried to come back into my life but I don't think that is going to happen.
Portia - someone said they become the opposite of all they have been. The childless want children, the loyal and faithful spouses want to cut lose and have affairs, neglect their kids . .. Working wives are blamed for neglect and stay at home moms 'ought' to have gotten a job.
And so on. They do the touch and goes. Painful for us, and who knows why? At a deep level they haven't let go. My xh still looks to me for some sort of approval, endorsement, validation. But if I offered it freely he would reject it.
One quibble - detachment is not a valley. Despair is. Detachment is a lovely place to be, loving and kind. Loving people for who they are, warts and all, but not permitting them to press our buttons.
No need to apologize for the highjack. I found your discussion interesting.
Rock, I have stuck pretty close to the MLC side of this forum, but I have not ever had someone try to justify his actions - well, except for me! Try to get me to understand his actions to a certain extent, yes. Kind of like the way when we know someone is stressed and they snap at you, you kind of go a bit easier on them than if you didn't know they were stressed.
But I absolutely feel that many of us got way, way more than just "snapped at". Nothing (in my view) justifies that cruel and harsh treatment of us, not MLC, not WAS. If Mr. Bond was saying that we should have a little compassion for those going through MLC, I agree. But not to the point where we are sacrificing ourselves or our well-being for those who clearly don't care.
That would be accepting responsibility for someone else's actions and one of the first lessons I learned here was that we cannot control someone else's actions. Also, we learn that no matter what it is that we choose to do, especially at the beginning, it will rarely make a difference as to how the MLCer treats us. Didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
This is where I do disagree with Mr. Bond:
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The LBS technically can't say that the WAS is unjustified in doing what they're doing because they disagree with it
To me, there is NO justification - at all - for the lousy treatment that we often receive from the MLCer. They treat us worse than strangers. I will never forget, even if I can get to forgive, when Skippy walked over my sobbing body and went to visit the GF (that I was still unaware of). I could not have done that to anyone. They may think they are justified, but they are not. Some things are not that subjective.
I think Rock, you summed it up best:
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If they are unhappy and want out of the marriage then fine. Talk it out, file for D and leave. It is the decision to stay, while starting a completely separate, secret life that is so detestable.
But they don't. They get their ducks in order and a new person to feather the fall and then they drop the bomb on our heads. MLC confusion is a reason they do this (the following of the script is so common, it's amazing!), I get that. But I don't kill a fly with a jackhammer. That he used a jackhammer is NOT what I deserved.
None of us, however horrible partners we were, deserved the cruelty and viciousness of MLC. That message was one I was given when I started on this forum. The difference is now, I finally believe it.
I am with you on hills and valleys - just don't like the 'valley of despair idea (which you didn't mean, I know).
And I agree - nothing justifies their actions. They have a compassion and empathy bypass, and what they do is cruel. This has nothing to do with 'your point of view'. If they argue it is their choice to act as they wish, then we also have choices, and mine is to not have that person in my life.
Portia, I agree with you. There is no justification for the lousy behavior, even if somebody is going through MLC. I’m pretty sure that my H thinks that he didn’t do anything wrong by treating me like a stranger. After all, he was honest from the beginning that he wanted to start a new phase of his life. He also didn’t think that it could hurt me when he chose to start an affair with the cousin of our close friends.
I could understand his desire to be happy and he felt trapped in the M, but it doesn’t justify how treated me. We went weeks without a contact, it felt like never mattered to him. But at the same time he kept the connection one way or another. I wish that one day he will realize how hurtful his behavior was towards me.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Portia, I love how you express your views. They are so sincere and well thought out.
I agree that this lala land that occurs in their brains should be no excuse for treating people lousy. I told my H this very thing the other day.
I think when people can love the changes that come their way, whether good or bad, they are people of outstanding character and you are one of those people.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
You are all such wonderful women! Pud, thank you for your kind words; I literally blushed. I don't know that I can say I love the changes that have come my way, but I have learned to live with the "new" normal. To adapt.
Bright, I agree with you. I do hope that one day he realizes what he did and what he lost. And I hope your H does, too.
Long distance was hard enough but I thought we had made it work. Instead Skippy took it as a free pass to abuse my trust. And the NC is hard isn't it? Especially because it stops and starts.
But I am actively training myself not to go there. I keep saying to myself - don't look back, don't look back!
I'm working on moving forward and hope to do it as well as you Portia!! (Then my dad last night, outta left field says don't clots the door......yeah, thanks dad!! Lol)
You are amazing!!!
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
