No need to apologize for the highjack. I found your discussion interesting.
Rock, I have stuck pretty close to the MLC side of this forum, but I have not ever had someone try to justify his actions - well, except for me! Try to get me to understand his actions to a certain extent, yes. Kind of like the way when we know someone is stressed and they snap at you, you kind of go a bit easier on them than if you didn't know they were stressed.
But I absolutely feel that many of us got way, way more than just "snapped at". Nothing (in my view) justifies that cruel and harsh treatment of us, not MLC, not WAS. If Mr. Bond was saying that we should have a little compassion for those going through MLC, I agree. But not to the point where we are sacrificing ourselves or our well-being for those who clearly don't care.
That would be accepting responsibility for someone else's actions and one of the first lessons I learned here was that we cannot control someone else's actions. Also, we learn that no matter what it is that we choose to do, especially at the beginning, it will rarely make a difference as to how the MLCer treats us. Didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
This is where I do disagree with Mr. Bond:
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The LBS technically can't say that the WAS is unjustified in doing what they're doing because they disagree with it
To me, there is NO justification - at all - for the lousy treatment that we often receive from the MLCer. They treat us worse than strangers. I will never forget, even if I can get to forgive, when Skippy walked over my sobbing body and went to visit the GF (that I was still unaware of). I could not have done that to anyone. They may think they are justified, but they are not. Some things are not that subjective.
I think Rock, you summed it up best:
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If they are unhappy and want out of the marriage then fine. Talk it out, file for D and leave. It is the decision to stay, while starting a completely separate, secret life that is so detestable.
But they don't. They get their ducks in order and a new person to feather the fall and then they drop the bomb on our heads. MLC confusion is a reason they do this (the following of the script is so common, it's amazing!), I get that. But I don't kill a fly with a jackhammer. That he used a jackhammer is NOT what I deserved.
None of us, however horrible partners we were, deserved the cruelty and viciousness of MLC. That message was one I was given when I started on this forum. The difference is now, I finally believe it.
