You are all so proud of me. I just feel a little resigned. I thought dropping the rope would feel freeing, that no hope would be left but that is really not the case.
AJ said it very well:
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As for the dropping of the rope? I'd say you're getting there. I see a lot in your post that tells me you want the inner voices to change the subject, but they have not yet.
I really did think (hope?) that perhaps we may try to mend when he called me after eight months and started to text frequently. That his repationship ended, I thought was good, too. But that was not the case. It was a touch and go. Only in response to me did I hear from him.
Even after he received news about my dad whom he has never asked about since.
I need to reset and so, forced as this is, I am not calling or texting - back to where I was in the fall. Except not quite. I am forcing myself ahead.
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Sounds like you have reached the pinnacle of detachment.
I don't know about that, Amb. I still care which means I can't be perfectly detached. But I am not afraid anymore, no matter what he does. A little sad, but not afraid.
WR and Job, thank you both so much for your kind words. Christmas will be a difficult one this year with many missing from the table. But we are a large family and I treasure that. New traditions will be made, I'm sure. But if it is a quiet Christmas, I am really OK with that, too. What I want for Christmas is to take a deep breath and start fresh in the new year.
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He may have told you those things when he left were his reason, but I'd say that it's been my experience that anything opposite to you would have done. Mine it was all about having another baby but not with me We have two kids already, and I'm fixed (mutual agreement years ago). But this was just after her nephew killed himself and I think it was just how she felt at that moment (looking back). Others I know? Similar stories - anything opposite will do.
I endorse this wholeheartedly. For 18 years, he knew where I stood with kids. I wanted to travel and see the world and work on my career. He always knew that and in fact long ago we had a serious discussion. He was in agreement. By asking for the white picket fence life, he knew that was the opposite of everything that I am and wanted. But I truly believe that had I been the white picket fence type, he would have wanted the opposite.
I do wonder if Christmas will bring anything from him - phone call? text? but in an odd sort of uninvested kind of way. I do wonder if he is with his GF again, but again in a sort of nosy, talk about your neighbour kind of way. I no longer bleed when I think of him being with someone else. There is nothing I expect form him as he is. There would be a whole lot if he tried to come back into my life but I don't think that is going to happen.
