Moving forward

[AJM]

Gotcha. I know how you feel. I've been there. The text you received? That's almost verbatim what my ex sent me over and over again as recently as last night.

I doubt what you do will matter for what she's doing. At one point in the recent past my ex told me that she considered the court document (sep agreement) to be a set of guidelines. She fired her lawyer because she felt she didn't need it and it just cost her money That's what I base my observation on.

So, the text exchange? I would suggest you NOT do what you did. I tried that in the beginning and it ended the same way yours is. Instead? I follow to the letter. No more. No less. No expectations.

In the above, I don't even respond unless necessary. If a direct question, I directly answer it. I make sure to invoice her for the expenses I incur. I pay for my bills for the expenses I incur. That keeps it clean and neat and no questions. No expectations.

The change starts with you. She won't do it. She is not likely capable.

What you two are doing doesn't seem to work either. You think you're being reasonable and she goes to nuclear with any response you make.

Stop being reasonable. Stop being responsive at all. Stop having an expectation with regards to her and anything that you may want. She is a black hole in your universe and you cannot change that. Nor can you change how things go without changing how you interact.

I found that it took a long time. Been a few years and over that time I saw her continue as if I was still doing the same things. Then she began to quiet down and not instigate for a while. Then she became very noisy and started instigating all kinds of conversations. I finally told her to shut up and go away and stop harassing me. I cc'd her new husband. I did not threaten. I did not step beyond the issue at hand. I was mildly annoyed, but that was it.

In return I received another year of "junk" from her. Everything from accusations to lies etc. I'm waiting to see if this Christmas will bring me another round of harassment or if she'll be quiet. My money is on the former, but what do I know?

I do know that the more I stop allowing the behavior, the more effective I become at keeping her at bay. Do I get what I want? No. Do I get peace and more of what I want? Absolutely.

I changed. She had no choice but to change as well.

Stop the texts. Stop the ambiguity and expecting common understanding. Stop thinking you're a floormat. (I think you could look at your namesake as a floormat too, right? Was he? Or did he have a different perspective than you or I? ) Email helps to slow things down. No phone calls - too much emotion. If asked, just let her know it doesn't work for you. No more than that.

She will continue to do same as long as you do. Or longer....

AJ