There's also the "wow, we can get along and still be friends even tho I'm seeing someone else" thought process. Many women have a strong need to be "liked" and are very uncomfortable when they feel someone, anyone doesn't like them.
This doesn't mean you go all Mr Anger on her, cause we don't really know where her head is. Hopefully you know where yours is and more importantly, what the specifics of your boundary are. You keep saying you're NC but you def aren't. I think it would be helpful to elaborate on that, for yourself. If a boundary isn't specific there's a whole lot of room for fudging.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Just be careful that these books don't make you feel like you need to be someone you're not, or that you're not good enough. Be who you want to be, act the best way you can and that has to be good enough.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I agree with you. I read those books and I don't try too hard to be someone I'm not... but I like to know when I'm acting in a way that isn't attractive. Over time, perhaps we can change into someone more atteactive without faking it.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I agree with you. I read those books and I don't try too hard to be someone I'm not... but I like to know when I'm acting in a way that isn't attractive. Over time, perhaps we can change into someone more atteactive without faking it.
I was always a confident person, especially with women. Somewhere along the way I got lazy and let my W take over.
I'm slowly regaining confidence in myself, and trying to learn that most of my fears are silly and baseless. (fears that i'm not good enough, don't have enough talent, etc.)
Physically I'm probably the most attractive I've ever been. Dropped 30 pounds, down to about 10% body fat, and have really been seeing gains in muscle mass the last few weeks. (Yes, she is noticing)
Had some good conversations with a freind last night. He told me how proud he was of me that I'm able to go through something like this, yet hold it together and put my D first.
He went through this same thing about 6 months ago (no kids and no house) and he told me how devestating it was for him, and has no idea how he would have been able to take care of another life during this time.
It made me feel good, that at least i'm doing something right. My D deserves a great life, and she has so much of it still left to live. I will facilitate that in any way I can.
W called last night to say goodnight to D. D did not want to talk to her. D asked why she wasn't coming home. W explained that she was at her friends house. D said... "THAT IS NOT YOUR HOME, YOU HAVE TO COME TO YOUR HOME.", after that she did not want to talk to her anymore.
I couldn't beleive it. She is only 3 years old, and she is able to pick up on this. I know it hurt W, but it also hurt me, knowing that she is starting to recognize that there is a problem.
I spoke to my brother whom is graduating from college soon, I let him know that I might have a place for him to stay afte he is ready to find a job. (the market where I live would be WAY easier for him to find something). When i spoke to W, I mentioned this.
She was really taken aback. "Ohh... so he would be living in the spare bedroom?... Where would I stay?"
I told her that I had just assumed she would be moving in with OM and going forward with the divorce.
She asked, "Why are you thinking so far into the future?"
I said that I just wanted to make sure that I could afford the house after she was gone.
She freaked out. "I don't want to talk about this right now (divorce), I can't talk about this right now" She literally seemed HORRIFIED. In absolute terror.
Does this mean anything? Who knows. But it sure doesn't seem to bother her to bring up divorce when its convenient for her. If something isn't going her way, she has no problem mentioning a divorce. But as soon as I mention something, its unspeakable.
Your D3 picks up on what she observes from you and her mom, not all on her own. Her mom would be very normal to assume that the hurtful words from D3 were planted by your behavior or your words.
You have a role, if you choose, in helping your D3 to be confident and secure, that mommy is doing what she needs to do right now and you and D will be OK and love her from where you are.
Just a suggestion. I know that would be a hard thing to do.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think you can probably answer that one. Life is grand when she can juggle two men and keep them both on a string. When she sees that she might be losing that, she feels uncomfortable.
Be careful with this, though . . . you don't know what is going on in her head, so you may end up pushing her toward OM.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
