NEW LIFE / NEW ME - AIRBORNE II

[sandi2]

Hi F, I am reading and keeping up on your posts. Even though your W has not asked (yet)why you won't attend her party, I wanted to get back to your question. But first, I'll copy and paste what I said.

Originally Posted By: Sandi
I believe you should tell her that it could be sending mixed messages about the two of you being a couple if you were to show up at her party.

Again, due to translation, I can see how you may misunderstand, Plus, I really didn't go into it detailed enough for you. Now your version.......

Sandi,
Can I have your opinion on a sentence like this:
W, You made the decision to brake us up and I don’t want to confuse the children or others about the two of us … me attending a little private birthday might just do exactly that

Omit telling her "W, You made the decision to brake us up and I
don’t want to confuse the children or others". If you word it that way, it will incite her anger toward you. It is not your goal to make her mad at you, but rather drive your point home without sounding judgmental and punitive. Really, it would be better to ask her with a leading question, instead of just "telling" her what it might do. If you "ask" her in a kind way (almost charming), "Couldn't it (meaning your attendance at the party)send mixed messages about the two of us being a couple again?" You say nothing about the children or anyone else. Don't use the words "you" nor say what "I" want, etc. By asking her if attending her party "could" send mixed messages, you aren't pointing a judgmental/punitive finger at her and verbally blaming her for the children's pain, etc. Trust me, that is exactly how it would sound to her ears! Plus, then if you go on to add that self-righteous F doesn't want to do what she's apparently done to add hurt/confusion......oh, then you've really set yourself up for trouble.

I know. You didn't see any of that in your answer, right?

But you see, she still gets the message how "she has caused this stitch" without you actually giving her cause to be angry at what you have said in words. You are saying it very charming. Plus, it puts it on her back. You didn't have to give her a flat out "no", but you've already done it, so you may not get a chance to apply what I suggested. But next time, you lead by asking her a question. Then, she has to answer it. That "could" open the door for some flirty conversation, or not, IDK. But I see it being a much more friendly way of dealing with this type of invitation.

Can you see the difference in the two answers? Your objective at this point of your stitch is not to verbally remind her that she is to blame for everyone's unhappiness and now she has to live with it. She is already living with a great deal of it (according to reports from friends) and if you still desire reconciliation, then you need to work on being warm and charming. You charmed your way into her heart the first time......do it again.

Remember, I told you that you would take small steps to see if she warmed toward you. This is the time to do it. The holidays present opportunities. Initiate an invitation to the movies. Keep things friendly and warm during the holiday season. If she turns cold or pulls away, then you step back some. At the beginning of January, you can evaluate. If positives continue, you may even take a chance of asking her to the movies without the kids. And.....if she accepts, make sure you get XW1 to babysit. (ha)