SP - What you're going through is completely normal. Just enjoy the good days (especially the ones with D6) and get through the harder ones. One step at a time man.
And try to stop looking at FB or anything with regards to what she is doing until you have fully moved on. It will only hurt if you look for it. Sometimes (at least for me) ignorance is bliss when it comes to XW.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I wonder sometimes, if I should just cut all ties and make a clear definition of the fact that IT'S OVER.
Well it is over and it probably was at BD. Even in DR it says that we need to look at this as our old M being dead and gone, the goal is to establish a new R and M with the WAS. BUT, we can't do that unless and until the WAS is ready. That might be in 6 months, a year, a couple of years, or never.
I use the example of my buddy a lot, but it's not a lot different than your sitch. His W left him and was DONE. She quickly moved in with OM and started her new glorious life. After a year of almost no contact they started talking again. Many months later they started going out, then ML, now they're back together. It took several years to get to that point. So you never know what the future holds. But for now, yes, it's over and the healthiest thing for you to do for YOU is to accept that. It never hurts to keep a little flicker of hope burning, but in the meantime get on with your life.
It would seem that the D will be cutting most ties. You will always have D6 as a connection.
I guess cutting all ties would mean, removing her things from my the house, Asking her to move out of the apartment once and for all, not contacting her for anything what so ever (other than where daughter is concerned). I guess that would be about it. Most of that would take place with the completion of the Divorce. I guess I could also hurry that along. I am not sure if ANY of those things will give me closure, or if I would only be adding conflict. I just don't know what to do. At this point, I am just letting the feelings wash over me when they come. I vent a little to my close friends, but I am trying to meet W with nothing other than calm reciprocation, bordering on distant. It is all business between us, and it normally only entails discussions directly regarding daughter. We are cordial, but not personal AT ALL. I have not asked her to join D and I for any activity since OM came into the picture. At daughters school events, we sit away from each other and don't interact. I have not included her in any personal conversations since OM, either.
Then Yesterday, she text me regarding a foster child she cared for. W provided child care for another couple during the day. At one point, W and I actually had a conversation about adopting her. That was about 3 1/2 years ago. Anyway, this girl contacted W, and it seems she was reaching out and asking for help. Her life is in a shambles, and she is currently a run away. Wife sent me several texts sharing her feelings and sadness. I validated a little and offered my empathy, but I did not engage her much. I left it fairly generic. That is the most personal conversation W and I have had in several months, and it simply entailed a few texts back and forth. That is where we are today.
SP - What you're going through is completely normal. Just enjoy the good days (especially the ones with D6) and get through the harder ones. One step at a time man.
And try to stop looking at FB or anything with regards to what she is doing until you have fully moved on. It will only hurt if you look for it. Sometimes (at least for me) ignorance is bliss when it comes to XW.
Very good points, Spartan. I need to stay focused on the good. I know you are right about FB, because if I don't look (and therefore don't know), life is pretty easy. Ignorance is bliss in the case of detachment. Thanks for the reminder
I wonder sometimes, if I should just cut all ties and make a clear definition of the fact that IT'S OVER.
Well it is over and it probably was at BD. Even in DR it says that we need to look at this as our old M being dead and gone, the goal is to establish a new R and M with the WAS. BUT, we can't do that unless and until the WAS is ready. That might be in 6 months, a year, a couple of years, or never.
I use the example of my buddy a lot, but it's not a lot different than your sitch. His W left him and was DONE. She quickly moved in with OM and started her new glorious life. After a year of almost no contact they started talking again. Many months later they started going out, then ML, now they're back together. It took several years to get to that point. So you never know what the future holds. But for now, yes, it's over and the healthiest thing for you to do for YOU is to accept that. It never hurts to keep a little flicker of hope burning, but in the meantime get on with your life.
My only thought, which is me "trying to guess the future" is, My W didn't leave me for an OM. It seems to me, from reading a lot of the success stories, that a good deal of the marriages that Reconcile had infidelity as the underlying cause of separation. We didn't have that. W just stated her unhappiness and left ME. Nobody actually came between us. She just wanted out. It wasn't until several months later that she started dating, so it only seems reasonable that if this relationship with OM doesn't work out for her, she would look for someone else once again. Of course, this is only me trying to play the martyr. I get that, and I am open for a 2x4, but that is my gut feeling.
It would seem that the D will be cutting most ties. You will always have D6 as a connection.
I guess cutting all ties would mean, removing her things from my the house, Asking her to move out of the apartment once and for all, not contacting her for anything what so ever (other than where daughter is concerned). I guess that would be about it. Most of that would take place with the completion of the Divorce. I guess I could also hurry that along. I am not sure if ANY of those things will give me closure, or if I would only be adding conflict. I just don't know what to do. At this point, I am just letting the feelings wash over me when they come. I vent a little to my close friends, but I am trying to meet W with nothing other than calm reciprocation, bordering on distant. It is all business between us, and it normally only entails discussions directly regarding daughter. We are cordial, but not personal AT ALL. I have not asked her to join D and I for any activity since OM came into the picture. At daughters school events, we sit away from each other and don't interact. I have not included her in any personal conversations since OM, either.
Then Yesterday, she text me regarding a foster child she cared for. W provided child care for another couple during the day. At one point, W and I actually had a conversation about adopting her. That was about 3 1/2 years ago. Anyway, this girl contacted W, and it seems she was reaching out and asking for help. Her life is in a shambles, and she is currently a run away. Wife sent me several texts sharing her feelings and sadness. I validated a little and offered my empathy, but I did not engage her much. I left it fairly generic. That is the most personal conversation W and I have had in several months, and it simply entailed a few texts back and forth. That is where we are today.
Where are you in the D process now?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My only thought, which is me "trying to guess the future" is, My W didn't leave me for an OM.
Neither did my buddy's. He just became a lightning rod for every bad thing in her life. It was all his fault. He was the most worthless man that had ever walked the earth and she couldn't get away from him fast enough. After she left she found the OM and moved in with him. As I said, it was over a year before they could even have a basic conversation. She filed for D, then retracted, then filed again, then retracted again. Their conversations kept getting better and they started going out as friends. It slowly developed into love again. The way he put it, she started realizing that he wasn't the reason for all the bad things in her life, he was in fact the only consistent GOOD thing in her life while everything else was going to hell. Now he is her Hero, the Greatest Man Ever. Even he doesn't understand the conversion, he says she is the one that did a 180, that he really didn't do anything. He doesn't know anything about DB'ing at all, but he did leave her alone, gave her time and space and focused on his own life. He intuitively knew what to do.
What does that all mean to your M? Maybe nothing, but I just mentioned it because I see a lot of parallels (as I do in my own sitch). I'm right there with you though, it is damned hard to have any hope when you're dealing with a stubborn WAS that does not show one ounce of interest in us month after month after month.
I am NOT even close to having your experience and I share many of your thoughts about the WAS that just shut down. It does seem like more Rs happen when OP is there but to me it also seems like OP is present in most stiches. Think about what you tell newcomers about success-stories when they want to read them, what you say about the timeline (R only happens in less than a year on rare occasions), that all sitches are alike – read through your own advice, guy’s! You are both doing great! Keep on doing exactly that!
As I see it there are several on the piecing that have had had WAS like us! What I also see reading through sits with some age (6-7 months +) in here is a wish from all of us, that our sit was more like others:
Sits with OP wish that OP was not there Sits living together wish they didn’t Sits with MLC wish for WAS Sits with amicable WAS wish for not so amicable WAS (you wrote about this few days ago, AS – your post was a little in line with this.) ….and vice versa……
You come out here and wish that OP was there because that increases chances of R – I do not believe that many of the people in here with OP will agree to this!
Keep hoping until you decide not to – but do not stop hoping because you put your WAW into a special and more “difficult” group than other WAW.
I might be wrong and feel free to pull the 2x4, but we all have our WAS and they are ALL difficult but we all tend to look for reason for “why haven’t she/he returned yet?”. That’s because they are not ready! They might be tomorrow or they might never – nobody knows and neither do any one of you!
Just my 2c! Take care and enjoy the holiday
F
P.S.
Originally Posted By: AS
I'm right there with you though, it is damned hard to have any hope when you're dealing with a stubborn WAS that does not show one ounce of interest in us month after month after month.
OH, YES
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Thanks, AS. That story does help give me a different perspective.
F, you make some really good points. I think it becomes easy to pick and choose the aspects we want to focus on. I need to be more open minded.
LA,
I filed for dissolution several months ago. The process is actually kind of confusing to me. Thus far, all that our attorneys have done is collect interrogatories, financial information. HER attorney is looking for a pot of gold we believe. Other than that, not much has been done. To be honest though, I don't even know what the next step will be or when it will happen.....
