Here is the link to my last thread, if anyone is willing to catch up on my sitch.
Even though my sitch is over a year old now, I am still struggling with certain aspects. Recently I've had issues realizing the cold hard truth of my sitch. W checked out completely at BD, no games, no looking back, never waivered in her choices, and she has since moved on with her own life. For all intents and purposes, she made up her mind, and she is GONE. She has new friends, new partner and a new life. She completely re-invented herself. It took her a total of 6 months to find a new life and move into it, and I struggle with that timeline as well. It hurts to think she can completely move on that quickly and easily. She seems happy, for the most part. She posts lots of stuff on her FB with OM, and happily portrays themselves as a family. Here is my problem. I don't know why, but I still have this wishful feeling that W will give me another chance, some day. That is probably not likely. It is based more in my broken heart than reality, but yet I can't seem to shake the thoughts of reconciling. It has been on my mind a TON lately, and I don't know why. When I lay out the facts, I don't even think that saving this marriage is possible. There was just so much damage, so many people involved, so many changes have taken place...still my feelings persist. I don't know why I can't shake them! I know they are no longer healthy for me. I am at another road block, and I need some help to get around it....anyone have any words of wisdom here?
You will have a great deal of difficulties healing if you continue to spy on her FB. My exw refused to have FB or my space for years. I told her she should. She refused. However, she just opened one (yeap I spied). I have been D for a while. She moved out and has her own life. Yet I still think what if? The way I see it is that I made a decision. I will never reconcile with her. That is my choice. It helps me to look forward and not back. It is really hard to not want to know how she is doing. How can you not after spending many years with a person. So it is a process, it takes time, the feelings are normal (suckie but normal).
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Your W's timeline was longer than yours going back in the past. She took as much time as she needed to gear up before telling you, so she was miserable for plenty long before you started on BD.
Your grieving is also going to take longer because of checking her FB, and because you feel what happened wasn't fair. If you let go of judgment and just accept what IS, you will heal faster and better, and you will be right there, in the moment, if she drifted back to you later on. Holding for dear life onto your "stuff" over this, is going to hold you back now and later.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
suckerpunch, I am pretty much in the same boat as you and I know exactly what you're going through; my wife took off and has not looked back at all. I long and ache so bad for my wife, I would do anything to have one more chance with her.
I'm chalking a lot of the difficulty I'm going through to the holidays and shorter days (I have Seasonal Affliction Disorder), so I'm trying to be kind to myself, get a lot of sunshine (mornings in front of a large window, walks if weather permits), and exercise. Remember it supposedly takes half the life of your marriage before you are fully healed. Forgive yourself for your feelings, because there is nothing wrong with wanting to reconcile with your W. Be grateful you are not one of those small people who has given into bitterness and anger. Rededicate yourself to GAL, that's for you! Realize that you have already traveled far, learned much, and grown tall. Remember you will have good days and bad days, particularly this time of the year. Do know that you're not alone, and we will be here for you.
Same here. I understand what you are going through.
XW and I were mediating a joint petition a couple of weeks after BD and a court hearing proceeded in a little over 3 months. There was no cooling off/separation period at all. I think XW wanted to move on as fast as possible. She hasn't looked back since. I know my timeline is shorter than most but hell did it moved fast.
I too can't seem shake off those feelings you've described. It just haunts. GAL does help even it's just for a couple of hours. Know that good times are ahead. Look forward to that!
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
"haunts" is a good way to put it. It seems like everytime I am getting along, that same old feelings just sneaks right back in. The "whys", the "what ifs", the "how can it be this ways", they all haunt my thoughts lately.
I know all too well that I shouldn't creep on her FB. For the most part, I don't. I just hear it from family members and friends. I know that I shouldn't look, and I only break down and do it if I am feeling strong. I think I have looked twice in the past several months. Usually it doesn't bother me. Sometimes it does. At times I even take some peace in it, knowing that Daughter is seemingly happy at OM's, W is smiling, people are around them having good times. I don't solely focus on the negatives. Granted, it is not healthy, and I know I have to stop completely. I think in my head, I am just looking for make believe clues that maybe some day she will be looking back. I don't really know.
Thank you for the support, everyone. It really helps to know that there are others in the same place as me, and at the same time, it makes me sad for the rest of you. Today was a bit of a low point for. I was really feeling the sting in my heart. There is some good news. Daughter came home this evening, so I can now focus on her for the next week. Daddy/daughter time!
There are probably more people in this boat with you than not.... so never feel alone! I gave my self a date that I am letting go and that date is about 2.5 weeks away... I will be blocking my H on all social media, deleting his number from my phone and not looking back. The only way I see getting past this is by accepting the truth....that will make me miserable at first, but in the end it will set me free.
I hope you enjoy every moment with your daughter this week. Stay positive! Things will get better.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Those are thoughts that I have often, what you said about dropping everything and not looking back. I wonder sometimes, if I should just cut all ties and make a clear definition of the fact that IT'S OVER. I have been told that it won't help the process, but sometimes I wonder.....
