wife hardens heart-6

[MrBond]

You asked why your D responded the way she did and I just gave you answers. I'm not sure why you asked the questions if you act as if you already know the answers.

[planet]

You asked why your D responded the way she did and I just gave you answers. I'm not sure why you asked the questions if you act as if you already know the answers.

I don't have the answers.
D4 did say she was afraid of me once.

I am pretty much frustrated over her avoidance. I try to let things go.
I don't like it but I have to accept it.

[MrBond]

"I don't ask often. Probably 3 times since D4 avoids me."

You shouldn't ask at all.

"I don't demand answers from D4 too. I just let it go if she doesn't want to answer."

Again, you shouldn't even ask her at all. Stop doing it.

"XW and I have come to an agreement if D4 doesn't want to follow, I'll just take D3 out instead."

Who came up with it? The two of you hadn't exactly been the best parents. Have you talked to a C about what to do in these situations? Get professional family C.

"It's best for the time being."

Doesn't sound like it. All you're doing is enabling the behavior.

"I don't have the answers."

You act as if you do. Read the posts and learn.

"D4 did say she was afraid of me once."

Of course she is. But you can't put her on the spot and ask her a question that she doesn't even understand.

"I am pretty much frustrated over her avoidance. I try to let things go."

Are you talking about your W or your D?

So have you figured out how they can stay overnight with you?

[planet]

Are you talking about your W or your D?

D4

So have you figured out how they can stay overnight with you?

Yeah.
Plan to take them from Christmas Eve right through Christmas. Start from here. Work towards a weekly schedule.

How to even talk to XW about this without getting frustrated at her response?
I know she is going to react badly.

[labug]

Planet, can you spend some time with D4 in her own home? There have been a lot of changes in this little girls life and she has no control over any of the craziness brought about by the adults surrounding her. Maybe if she gets to stay in her home and spend time with you it might work.

I know you and W have a very contentious R right now and that might not be possible. What other things might you do to make this easier for D4? Is there some place nice, like a park where you could go for a short time and then gradually increase the time, visit by visit. Make sure that D4 knows that she can go home anytime she wants.

Good luck, this is difficult.

[planet]

The kids and I spend good time together at their home on weekdays.

It is just that D4 rather follows her mother if I want to take them out. If their mother is not around, D4 willingly goes out with me.

I take them out on weekends rather than spending it at what is used to be my home because OM is around. I don't feel comfortable.

Lately, I have seen some changes in D4. I believe she's coming around.

[MrBond]

"How to even talk to XW about this without getting frustrated at her response?"

By making a point beforehand to not get frustrated at her.

"I know she is going to react badly."

Mindreading. Fact is that you've been avoiding her because you're scared of her. Since you're losing that connection, you're forgetting how to talk to her. You need to find a way to re-establish that.

"I take them out on weekends rather than spending it at what is used to be my home because OM is around. I don't feel comfortable."

Stop being so afraid of a scumbag who is taking your place in YOUR family. Learn to be in the same place as him and stop avoiding him. If you disagree with something he is doing, bring it up. It doesn't need to be in anger, but you need to assert yourself.

[JayMan]

Planet - I see you as I saw myself initially with XW1. I was terrified to do anything contrary for fear of finally ending my M, even though OM had moved in with her. My kids loved the new apartment as it was fresh and exciting, and XW1 bought them fun stuff.

Long story short - I finally stood up to her one time when she wanted additional time with the kids, and I about had to buy new pants when I did it. She ranted and raved and threatened to take everything I had, and get full custody - and I ignored it, and stood by it.

The very next time she asked, she asked politely and offered to exchange time with me. From that specific point on, our dynamic changed. We got divorced, and frankly, I'm glad. It took her probably 4 years from the point of the divorce to get her act together, and she has changed into someone that I barely even talk to and am happy about it. She basically defers all parenting decisions to me.

The BIG point I'll make is that you need to stand with honor - not for punishment, vindictiveness, getting even, etc.

[planet]

Mindreading. Fact is that you've been avoiding her because you're scared of her. Since you're losing that connection, you're forgetting how to talk to her. You need to find a way to re-establish that.

Ok, it's mind reading. Chances are 99%, she's going to freak out on me if I do things she doesn't agree with.
There's nothing she's even remotely interested to have anything to do with me much less talk. The only thing she will try to communicate is when she wants something from me and my visitation schedule. Even then, she's rude.
So that's why I have decided to back off as much as possible. Give her time and space.
I told xMIL that I will not be having dinner at XW's on weekdays. I have stop accepting offers from XW like lunches or dinners on weekends when I come over to pick up the kids. I think she got the hint the first couple of times.
I doing this to protect my own heart. I don't want to expect anything from her. I want space too.

Stop being so afraid of a scumbag who is taking your place in YOUR family. Learn to be in the same place as him and stop avoiding him. If you disagree with something he is doing, bring it up. It doesn't need to be in anger, but you need to assert yourself.

XW and I ceased to be a family and she has a BF now. I have no say who she wants to live with even it's only on weekends.
Why would I want to be in the same place where she picks out something his plate to eat and he hers? Or he goes upstairs to my bedroom or bathroom? Or he when uses my computer? I'm not detached enough to be ok with any of that.

Planet - I see you as I saw myself initially with XW1. I was terrified to do anything contrary for fear of finally ending my M, even though OM had moved in with her. My kids loved the new apartment as it was fresh and exciting, and XW1 bought them fun stuff.

My M has ended. There's nothing that I could do to bring that back.
I don't want to have to talk to XW and have her frustrate me for no good reason. I'm tired of that.
It's like I'm starting a convo with subject 'A' and she disagrees and brings up 'B'. When I try to explain 'B', she goes 'C' and 'D'. I say let's go back to 'A'. She have nothing of it and goes 'E' and back to 'B'. Round and round. Nothing got to do with 'A' at all.

[labug]

Great post Planet. I think you're showing strength and acceptance.

You can't change her, you can only change you.

Whose house is she living in?