When the holidays come around, it is easy to start down the road of feeling guilty for the past. Dont go down it. Forgive yourself.
Wonka, I look forward to what you have to say. Please don't go away.
Guilt. I have to honestly say I have things I could have done better. For sure. But guilt? I don't feel guilt when it comes to my life. I don't feel sadness. I feel like things just are the way they are. Is there a bigger picture? Absolutely.
That's a long way from where I was when this began I can tell you. I know for me, I would have felt guilt had I not tried. Had I walked away earlier in the process. Had I left my home like she tried to get me to do. I do remember feeling that I was wanting to take on the accusations. I do remember figuring out my reactions to her and how I took it out on those around me. If I was going to feel guilt, I would feel guilt for that. But I realized a long time ago that I did what I could with the information I had at the time. With the tools I had.
I've come a long way in that regard. I also remember that I kind of wished I had done some of those things she accused me of. At first it was a reaction to her pain. To my children's pain. No father wants to see that. And since I wasn't running away... But I also learned to only own what's mine to own. I gave the rest back and forgave myself for my part.
I think it's when I realized that there is a bigger picture that I turned a corner. When I realized that my marriage is not my identity. It was part of who I was but it is not who I am in totality. It never was. Realizing that, I can also realize that my life is not good or bad based on the outcome of that existence. I realized it's more important to become whole, even at great cost, than it is to be married. I realize I could have done both, but my ex could not. I don't envy her trip, but I won't take that from her either.
I'm grateful for all I've been through. For the chance to take the rose colored glasses off and see things as they really are. If I had been Stockdale, I may have perished. I'm a sunny side of the street kind of person. I believe in happy endings. I learned what he was talking about - I still believe in happy endings, but I'm not so enamored of the Hollywood version. I see now that I can be happy with the way things are. I can be happy regardless of what happens for me. I can be better than I was with the new tools and new information I have now.
I wouldn't trade places for anything. And I wouldn't wish this experience all away. Looking back, it's that valuable to me.
Don't get me wrong. I'd welcome the ex to go away like she said. I would. But even the harassment doesn't mean anything to me. It's just something I have to deal with.
I'm not sad. I was. I'm not wondering why this happened. I can't know. But I am a better person for it and for that I'm grateful.
I hope that at some point my ex finds the happiness and contentment she set out looking for. That she felt she was missing all of a sudden. I hope that my kids forgive us both. I hope my ex figures out her sh*t and can forgive herself when she does. Without the anger. Without the re-remembering. Without the rose colored glasses. Why? Because I believe that will bring her the happiness and peace she left for. I may not understand it, but I would like to think that's the happy ending for us all. That would bring meaning to the otherwise strange behavior and lies. With or without the meaning, it is what it is
I've seen the future for me and it is not a sad one. Not in the least.
Nice thread UR. Always thought provoking.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
