Reaching out for support and advice!!

[melissag]

Hi Blue, just responding to your post on my thread:

Completely agree about the fears. I have conquered many things. 180s are going well. No contact unless necessary. Great GAL.

What's up with the fear/detachment??

I just can't seem to get over that hurdle. It brings me down and make me doubt myself.

I even agree with the fear of walking into a party by myself. I do that all the time now and feel so strong in so many ways.

Why do I feel so weak with fear/detachment? My fear is that my H will experiment with his independence and choose that over his family. I fear that his memories of me and our marriage are all negative now and cannot compete with the single life of no responsibilities.

I know I have no control over this and ultimately my DB will help the odds in my my favor, but it causes me great worry.

Nobody said this was easy!!

So take a few minutes and think about all the things you have worried about (OK, maybe just a tiny fraction, since there is a time limit here). If you are anything like me, I would guess that less than 1% of those worries came to fruition. And of that less than 1%, some large percentage turned out to be less disastrous than you imagined.

Worrying is utterly useless. If you are concerned about something, you can either (a) do something about it, or (b) forget it. Well, you can do nothing about what your H is doing, thinking, feeling, or deciding. (I do believe that you can make him NOT want to come back, but I don't think you can make him want to.) So if you start worrying about it, throw it in the (in my case, very large) "things I am worrying about that are a waste of time to worry about" pile, and go do something productive. That's my MO. Maybe it will work for you.

When I feel fearful now, I remind myself of where living out of fear got me before - immmm, it was NOT a good place, and I never want to go back there. That and, now I have a nice list of quotes about fear (posted on my thread by PM) to refer to. My favorite actually is the Yoda quote: "The fear of loss is a path to the dark side."