MLC and the holidays....tra la, la, la, la, la

[uRworthy]

Thought I would bring this over to its own thread.

The holidays are especially difficult for MLCers and for the LBS. For them, the idea of family time makes them uncomfortable. It is the life they think it the cause of their unhappiness. For the LBS, it is the feeling of loss.

My friends, there are things you can do to lessen your pain and help you through these difficult times and allow you to move forward.

Learn to accept that this is what is at this moment, with the understanding that it wont always be this way. When you fight against it and you allow your fear to take over, you give it your power. Take it back.

Whatever you imagine is happening with the OP, get rid of. I promise you it is not anything like what you are thinking. These are two broken people in a firestorm. Trust me, your ideas are making it much bigger than it is.

Your MLCer is missing out on the holidays and thats sad. But you have the opportunity to make memories that can last a lifetime. Take it.

Allow yourself to feel compassion for your spouse, but, be sure to take care of you. You will feel some anger, too. Dont hold onto that too long. Doesnt serve you well.

Set aside some time to have a good cry. Then dive into the festivities with your family. Create moments. Feel the spirit of the season. Eat too much pie. Drop what you're doing and read to a child. Catch snowflakes on your tongue. Laugh great big belly laughs.

What is going to happen with your spouse is going to happen anyway. Might as well continue to live your life.

When the holidays come around, it is easy to start down the road of feeling guilty for the past. Dont go down it. Forgive yourself.

It is the season of renewal. The season for fresh starts. Let this be a time when you find your self worth.

Release the feelings of holding on, of wanting to understand, of wishing things were different, of anger and sadness. Those things weigh you down. Look at the life you have, instead of the one you want and realize how blessed you are.

[Whiterose]

uRw

Thank you for this post. I've been dreading the actual days of Christmas.....I have a pit in my stomach for when h comes to get the boys. You are right. This won't be forever and it's .time to build new memories.

[JFun51]

We are all so blessed to have you watching over us here UR. In my world, we are already feeling the holiday weirdness. All started the week before Thanksgiving and has continued. Thanks for reminding us all to enjoy ourselves and our family. Control the controllable.

Question that I've been pondering on my upcoming first Christmas with MLCer: How to deal with the gift giving to a W that has announced multiple times "I do not love you"?

[indigo1]

Good post. My first holiday season dealing with this as well. W told me how bad she feels about being so depressed about everything during her favorite time of year. Her B-day and Christmas within three days of each other. I really feel for her on this. I know what I have been advised to do as far as gift giving. Just a simple card, nothing too special. This is a tough call for me because my W's B-day and Christmas are huge to her, I think it would make me look worse in her eyes to just skimp like that. I still have to give it some thought, going with my gut has not always served me well during this crazy ride.

[JFun51]

May have to trump you indigo on the Birthday/Christmas combo. Our anniversary will come up on Dec 30. Should make for an interesting week.

Any thoughts on handling Christmad, Anniversary, and New Years Eve all within a week living with a W that announces her lack of love for me yet wants to continue to play house and normal family?

I have begun to just laugh at the absurdity some days.

[Wonka]

uR,

Funny...even almost after 9 years post-MLC, your post has touched some exposed raw nerves within me. This surprised me today when I read it and I almost wanted to disappear from this forum for a while. The two main emotions that came up on the surface are: Pain and Regret. Hmmmm...interesting.

long, hard exhale

When I am a bit more settled after recognizing this long-buried memory in my DNA cells, I'll share some of my experiences, thoughts and views on your post.

[indigo1]

You have officially one up'd me JF. I think the A would be the toughest. Good luck with everything, fun times ahead for sure.

[beatrice]

This is a helpful thread. This year I am truly looking forward to Christmas, and honestly not missing my xh.

I do have the occasional twinge of regret, but it is more of a 'it didn't have to be like this, but here we are'

I am so very sorry that my xh chose this route, and I wish him well. He is a little crazy, and may always be so. I can now think of him with real love and regret, but no longing for what i had. So we do get there.

[uRworthy]

Thank you all for stopping by.

I have written before about how important it is to the MLCer to feel heard. You dont have to agree with what they are feeling, but, it is best to accept that this is how they feel right now.

So, when it comes to holidays and anniversaries, tread lightly. You can give gifts from you and your children if you feel as if you have to give something.

If you feel you must give a gift from you, make it a simple, non personal gift. But be prepared for a less than stellar reaction.

Often anything more feels like pressure to them and feelings of not being heard.

They may seem more sullen and angry. Give them plenty of space.

Try your best to make memories and new traditions with your children.

The thing is this. This crisis is going to have to run its course. There are no short cuts, no magic words, no definitive actions.

Your anger, your sadness, your worry and despair, while understandable, isnt going to affect the outcome.

So, why not move forward, do the work, and detach and find you?

Then, no matter what happens, you will have become the best you.

[uRworthy]

Wonka, I am so sorry that this brought up any negative feelings for you. Never my intent.