Divorce on the table, Hoping for miracle

[Groov]

NM,

I am not going to suggest anything except that you punch your "best friend" in the face!

You said it. A little more history on this. 2 years ago W and my "friend" had an EA for a month. I found out cause of phone records. They talked 20+ hours in a month. We opened it all up and I felt that we cleared the air and made boundaries. Obviously I made a mistake by trusting again. I am very crushed, angry, sad, ect that I am at a place where I am going through this again only now W wants a divorce.

I think there is a time and place for confrontation...but if you are going to continue to DB, then it is not now.

I agree. I am going to continue to DB. Now is not the time to confront. I have told a couple of my support group of my findings and suspicions. One being my mother, I am hoping this has not been a mistake... She has read Divorce Remedy and has been supportive of my DB efforts. I also told a close brother. I hope this does not get back to W. It's hard when I feel so hurt.

I am curious how much you shared with him about DB?? Did you do this in an attempt to help him with his divorce too? Does he confide in you about that?

I shared with him early on that I found Divorce Remedy. He read the section on WAW. Back then when W first left I didn't get the impression that anything was going on between him and W. I even felt that my DBing was making progress until about sept. That is also the same time when My "Friend" Let me know he and his wife were starting the divorce process. I told him I was here for him if he needed. It looks like he chose my W instead of me to confide in and now W is now on the Divorce train.

P.S. What did your DB coach yesterday?

She said it was up to me to confront W. She told me to give no ultimatums, but basically just say that I know... She said to follow my faith and impressions on this. She also suggested a Last resort letter. Also gave the caution about timing. We talked about affairs and shelf life. She says the average affair has a 6-9 month shelf life. We also talked about what I need to keep doing. Talked about cooperating with Divorce but dragging my feet and not driving it.


This is all very hard.... Betrayal from the two closest people in my life...

I am pretty calm about the whole sitch. I don't want to do anything rash or stupid. But it's hard to know what exactly to do if there is anything. I suppose I'll just watch W leave a wake of destruction in our life... My children deserve so much better.

Groov

[NeedingMore]

HI Groov...

I agree that it is so hard dealing with betrayal. It is only natural for you to feel angry and upset. How else could you feel? I can sense your calmness and I am proud of you.

You are right that your kids deserve better, but how 'bout this thought...they ARE getting better from you right now. You are becoming a better father, no?

There is nothing to do but become comfortable in your vulnerability and use it for strength of character. This is why your ability to sit with this before you react is being tested. You are passing!

Take care of yourself. Remember that this is happening to bring you closer to your purpose in life.

I have been asking myself these questions each day...

1. What are my intentions (for any given situation or action)?

and

2. Am I taking responsibility?

and

3. Can I control this situation?

If the answer to number one is LOVE and the answer to the 2nd is YES...then I feel pretty good about myself. The answer to #3 is always no because if number one and two are right, then there is nothing left for me to do.

Keep DBing...keep love in your heart. It is all going to be OK.

[Groov]

NM,

You are becoming a better father, no?

I am a better father, that's for sure. I feel my relationship with my kids has never been closer. D6 is completely comfortable sharing her heart with me. D6 and S4 Always want to be with me. I often wish when I walked through the door getting home from work to hear the pitter patter of little feet and the excited greeting "Dad's home!"

Take care of yourself. Remember that this is happening to bring you closer to your purpose in life

This.... is absolutely something to keep in my mind and heart.

1)Love
2)Yes (responsibility
3)I can only control myself.

Thank you NM!


Groov

[adinva]

omg those little pitter patter feet are awesome.

[Groov]

Update,

Went to a christmas sing along. While I was there W texted me:

W: Hey, do you have some time to talk tonight or tomorrow?

Me: Did you want to meet?

W: I don't think we need to, unless you'd prefer that.

Me: What is it regarding?

W: The paperwork, and division of properties. I had spoken with Lawyer, and have some info

(40 min later)

Me: Email me what you learned. As far as making decisions. I am focusing on the holidays, so I'll be available for that after the new year

(40 min later)

W: Really, you can't find a couple of hours in the next 16days to talk to me?

I didn't respond....

Had a call with the kids where we did our nightly prayer and scripture as a family. W of course wanted to talk after for a min.

That went something like this: W says that she thinks I am stalling... She gave me the papers and info two weeks ago... but of course in her mind as she stated on the phone it was 6 weeks ago... (WaW memory syndrome)

I hit a chord when I said that she seemed to be in a hurry with this. She then went on a rant about how if she was in a hurry she could of filed when she left... I just listened....

Hit another chord when I stated that I didn't agree with the break up of the family. She then ranted about how we need to go to mediation then to work it out. I just listened...

Anytime there was a pause for me to validate or reflect understanding she would talk over me... I just listened...

In the end I was attempting to validate and she finally just said she was through talking and we'll talk in a couple of days...

I said: Ok, have a goodnight.


Summary: I love this girl... I hate the crazy...

W is in the midst of an affair... Let the destruction of the family and everything we worked for the last 12 years begin... (but not tell after the new year )

I hope, hope, hope, I can be strong enough to keep love and be able to pick up any pieces of hope for the future.


Groov

[AnotherStander]

With it being so close to Christmas I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting to wait until January, if she brings it up again just tell her you're not stalling, you just don't want to ruin your holidays with divorce discussions but you'll be ready to work things out in January.

That went something like this: W says that she thinks I am stalling...

Are you? Just curious.

Hit another chord when I stated that I didn't agree with the break up of the family.

Trying to lay some guilt on her? Keep in mind that HER perception is that you cashed out of the M long ago. She very likely feels like most other WAS's that she tried to communicate with you and you stonewalled her. She feels that she had to leave as a last resort to save herself after her attempts at saving the M failed. Obviously that's her perception and not yours, but the point is SHE blames YOU for the sitch. So when you say something like the above, it'll just make her think you haven't changed and you never will. You just reinforce her belief that she needs to leave you. DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!!

Summary: I love this girl... I hate the crazy...

I honestly don't hear "crazy" in your W at all. I hear "frustrated".

[NeedingMore]

I agree with AS...you are totally being reasonable with the holidays. It is so exhausting to have to watch everything you say and do, however. Perhaps AS is right about her being frustrated, and especially if she feels you are going back to old ways. But for crying out loud it is SO HARD! Especially when you are hurting. And so what if you are stalling. Taking the time to think about your big decisions here is OK. Maybe next conversation make up some reason you have to go if you feel the urge to say what you may be thinking! And call back when you regroup.

Focus on what you said about D6 and S4 wanting to be with you and you being the better father. That is so wonderful! What is happening is that you are present now when you are with them. Just think about this as a gift that your wife is giving you, and your kids!

There is always hope for the future.

[labug]

What will stalling gain you? Really?

[Groov]

No... Stalling will do nothing except make her upset.

I called her this morning and talked about the assets. Not fun. I was calm and understanding.

Posting my Last resort Letter for feedback:

Wife,

I know that you are done and finished with our relationship and will be moving on.

I would like to share the ways I have failed in our time together.

-Not meeting your emotional needs
-Not including you in all of my/our decisions
-Not taking the time to understand your needs
-Not telling you how much I appreciate everything you do
-Not spending enough quality time with you
-Not communicating to you how much I care for you and love you
-For getting defensive when you would communicate and ask me questions
-For not hugging and kissing you enough
-For making you feel like you were raising the kids on your own
-For not planning and doing more things as a family
-For offending or embarrassing you with my sarcasm.
-For not telling you often enough how beautiful and amazing I think you are.
-For not taking you on more dates
-For spending too much time on my hobbies, work, and xbox
-For not holding you close, telling you that you look beautiful and kissing you goodnight
-For not asking and sharing our days
-For not being kind and tender
-For not Kissing you goodbye
-For not coming to bed with you
-For not looking into your eyes
-For not making time to talk to you
-For not holding your hand
-For not showing compassion for your frustrations
-Not being interested in you
-For being unbelievably selfish
-Not acknowledging you when you speak to me
-For not kindly accepting requests for help
-For not being greatful for the meals you cook
-For not putting my cloths in the laundry bag
-For not taking out the trash
-For not taking my dishes to the sink
-For not taking notice and help with household duties
-For making you a nag by not doing things without your asking
-For not seeing your good intentions
-For not playing and loving our babies more
-For not Helping you get the kids ready and out the door
-For not helping get the kids cleaned up after dinner time
-For not being willing to do things with the family that I may not be interested in
-For not helping the kids when they need it
-Not taking the kids out for daddy time more
-For not making love to you (not just sex) and hold you in my arms and speak quietly to you
-For not cooking more meals
-For not taking a the lead in having regular Family home evening
-For not having daily scripture study
-Not having daily prayer
-Not attending the temple with you (monthly)
-For not setting aside a few minutes a day to do some quality talking to you.

For all of my failings above I humbly ask for your forgiveness.

If you think this is an attempt to manipulate. It isn’t.

I know and believe that divorce is not the answer to our problems. That being said, I truly have an endearing love and respect for you. I am able and willing to release you from our commitment if that is what you choose.

As painful, difficult and heart-wrenching as this is for me, I have awoken from a dark slumber in a fog of life. I find that as I painfully opened my eyes, it as though I have been born again. I have been led and have heard the voice of the lord in my heart and mind. I have glimpsed the path ahead for me. I now know who I really am. I also know whose I am. I am becoming the man, the friend, the brother, the son, the father and finally husband I am meant, and always wanted to be.

Please do not respond to this letter

Sincerely with Love,

Groov

[NeedingMore]

Groov,

I do not know what to say, other than this made me cry. I am sure it is because I can identify with all of the things that you expressed.

Did your coach give you things to say or guidance on this LR letter?

Maybe you should not say the part about how painful this is for you. I am not sure, but this could make her feel bad. The "painfully opened my eyes" part is good though. I really feel that this has come from the heart and is written from a place of true love.

I must say, I know you have to be humble in this letter. But, it dawned on me that the things you write about are all a part of life. I am sure if everyone was forced to WAKE UP, they would have a long list of things that they could do better, or more mindfully. I think this made me cry not only because I have a list of my own that I would give to my BF, but because I wish that my BF would say these things to me. In a way, I was the walk away...I broke up with him because of all of those things that you listed...in a nutshell, felt he wasn't a part of our life and felt neglected. It was just that I realized my part in all of it too before we moved and I changed my mind. Then it sort of reversed who was walking away. The fact remains that I felt that way for a reason...and now I have my own list too. What I am saying is that we ALL could do better and contribute to making our relationships better. There are two sides. Your W may feel that you are to blame, but when she WAKES UP from feeling hurt, she will have her own list too. I believe this is you doing your part. No matter how she reacts to this letter, speaking from a female perspective...she will appreciate this as the ultimate validation.

I often try to give my 2 cents based on the "greater purpose" of all of this. Groov, you have the grasp on that, completely. You get why you are going through this...you are born again. Keep this in mind, forever. Believe me, when your W realizes that her "friend" is more wrapped up in his drama and their EA is no longer an outlet for venting and validation, your W will finally see your changes, so make sure they are permanent.

When are you planning on giving this to her?