Thank you so much for your posts and thoughts. I have been thinking about it.
In my head I can understand that MLC will take as long as it takes... I wish I could put a timeframe on it. So I understand that we need to live our lives to the fullest because they are no longer a part of our lives. We should be living our lives to the fullest even if they are a part of them.
This is probably the most valuable lesson I have learned. Its my life with or without somebody sharing it with me.
I do value my time now, my time alone, my time with the kids and my time with friends. I still have work to do on my behaviors towards feelings that upset me.I still need to work on responding and not reacting especially with the kids.
J3B I do try and look at the positives. When I am struggling the most I make the effort to look that the positives (my son still keeps the seat up so....) And there are a lot of positives that have come out of this for me.
Sometimes H and I have good conversations about the kids and their futures and then he crawls back in his hole. This is where we are now. He is in his hole after a positive weekend of conversation about the kids.
I feel like I am in a constant state of 'waking up'. My feelings come into meaning for me. I feel like I am understanding love, and friendship now. What was wrong with me before? How did I think? How did I maintain relationships? Its like I was living in la la land. I cant imagine how i would be raising my kids if I had not had this experience. I am still figuring things out, but when I do struggle I know I have skills, and places to seek support that before I never had.
Thank you.
BF, yes, H will be on Christmas and new year holiday with us. He has expressed to me that I 'should' be there for the holidays. That is not why I go. I go for the kids and very fortunately my BIL and SIL support us and our family.
My SIL is amazing.
I agree Pud that he is not handling it well. Thank you for the way you expressed it.
Bug- What do I want? I want to come into my skin completely. I want to realise my full potential and I want to be reach my aspiration of being the woman and mother I see and I am still trying to be. I want to be that before I enter into another R. I want to release my fears and be ready for what comes next, not pulled back from what happened.
I do want H in my life. I can only NOW think that the only way he can be in my life is all in. He has not been all in or all out since this started and I dont want this to be the norm for the kids. I dont know. Right now I think clean break OR a R are the only options to make a great life for the kids. Either way, my work is the same.
Cc you are so insightful and I WISH I had your insight at your age. It is a blessed thing that despite what you are going through, you have the emotional maturity and grace to move forward. I never had that. I was so disillusioned. You are amazing.
H comes tomorrow for his surprise visit. Then we travel. I suppose he is uncomfortable with this too. Coming for D6, travlling for xmas as a family.
I wont touch it.
I am very apprehensive about this trip.
A part of me wants to let H go and leave him in the past and a part of me wants allow myself to be excited sbout the holidays.
We will get there in terms of detachment. I now we will.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
