Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

Thanks WR, Job, and Pud.

I know he was being irrational, I know his behavior was not excused by anything I did... the hardest thing is walking this tight rope because he HAS created a dynamic where son and I need to rely on him for things, and then he is overwhelmed by the responsibility required. It's a no win situation for me.

I did send him a message to his computer laying the situation out. That he is choosing to micromanage jobs I used to do, which makes us more dependent on him, and then it seems like the burden of it is annoying and frustrating to him... what can we do to make the situation less frustrating? (I didn't make suggestions, just put it out there for him to consider)

The camping thing was not really something where I thought I could find an alternate ride. Everyone going already dropped their kids off Friday night and weren't picking them up until this morning. We were already sort of "halfassing it" by son not going to campout the whole weekend. I think it would have been good for him to go, but last month when they went he froze all night (he has zero body fat) so I didn't INSIST that he go. He had testing for school this week too and with all the drama at home, I just didn't think son needed to be compelled to do something he didn't really want to do. He likes being out in the wilderness... just the sleeping outdoors when it's chilly he dislikes.

Tonight I am supposed to go to a Committee meeting for scouts. I left a voicemail for a friend on her house number to see if she is going and would mind swinging by to pick me up. Haven't heard back yet.

Also looking at some "work from home" jobs now. It would probably be better for me to get out of the house to work, but I have to face the chance that maybe I won't get one of these jobs nearby and I'll need to figure out something else. I can't continue being completely financially dependent on someone who is so driven to be intentionally mean about it.

Last night he replied to my texts with "enjoy the rest of your minutes" ...implying he won't give me money to reload my phone when I run out. So childish, so selfish. It makes me sad that this is the person he is right now.

I think my H already knows he doesn't want to move out. I did pack his clothes just 3 weeks ago or so, and that made him livid. We both came to the conclusion at that time that neither of us wanted him to move out. Maybe he has changed his mind?

But I do worry that he will keep escalating the hurtful behaviors toward son and I... I am not sure how you can deal with that without being a B*tch or a doormat. Advice?

I WISH he was in withdrawal... then at least I might feel like these outbursts were serving some purpose. I worry he is just cycling back into Monster, but has some sense of it. That he wants to run away as Monster instead of being here... even though Monster does make choices and decisions that are hurting us even when he is away.

I feel like I am caught in such a Catch-22. How can I make sure son and I get the bare necessities of life we need right now, without having to ask/pester the person holding control over those resources and seemingly intentionally is withholding them?

[tigerlily78]

Good news, friend is giving me a ride to committee meeting.

I will have to read up a little more on Withdrawal to get a better sense if that is what I am dealing with. I thought Withdrawal often doesn't happen until they split with the OP and I don't think he is there yet. Maybe he will carry his current disposition into his actions with her and SHE will break it off, but I kind of doubt it. She seems like someone who gets off on the drama, it's better in her mind to be abused and with someone than being alone and without anyone to pay you attention at all.

[Pudmuddle]

I do see that you are in a difficult spot being so dependent upon someone who is abusing that. That is a tough one. I'm not sure what advice to give other than you really need to discuss this with him and remove all R talk from the discussion. Maybe write out your thoughts first then narrow it down so it is to the point and effective. This might help remove tension from the discussion?

I'm glad you found a ride! I'm sure more of your friends would be willing to help you out in a tough situation. Go girl.

[kml]

You need to get your own car. In order to care for your son and yourself, and to get a decent job, you will need transportation.
You need to have a calm talk wit SO and yell him the two of you need to figure out a way to get you a car. Offer some suggestions, whatever you think is reasonable. Beater, new used with low payments, whatever. If he won't consider it, what other avenues do you have to get a car? You can't continue to be so completely dependent on an unstable man.

[tigerlily78]

KML: I did previously raise the issue that son and I need a car with him. It sent him straight into Monster, "he doesn't see how he can possibly be expected to pay for that when money is so tight already, etc." (Money was tight and then we canceled things like Cable tv and movie streaming... which he then turned around and spent the "savings" on his new cellphone service and shopping and eating out). I did mention that it seems like there are a lot of new expenses that could just as easily cover a cheap car payment... later he came around and said "when he gets his tax return in April, getting a second car is the plan."

Well, that's just swell... but does nothing for me between now and April. I also have to expect that in the next few months his plans/priorities may change again to suit himself.

[2Times2Many]

Hi Tiger,

Sorry things have been so tumultuous lately.

My h and I went through the same thing (at about the same point after BD) with lots of nasty emails, yelling when he was here, name calling - the whole kit and caboodle. In between, things would seem to calm down, but we'd invariably end up fighting again.

I finally realized that I was becoming the exact person I did not want to be. And I realized that trying to ease my pain by dishing out pain to him was hurting me as much as him - probably more, because I am not that type of person. And I realized that there was no way he would ever want to come back to that person.

I made a decision to "stop the train." I promised myself that I would not instigate anymore nastiness and I would bite my tongue if he tried to start something. It wasn't always easy - I just took it on one day at a time.

My life is much calmer now. He is calmer now. The sitch may not have changed much, but we are at least civil to one another and he has obviously picked up on my lead. There are small signs of improvement.

Please, Tiger, try to remember that you want to be the one he wants to come home to. And remember to ask yourself if what you are about to say will help you in your goal to save the R or make it more difficult.

I understand that there are a lot of issues (like the groceries, the car, etc.) that the two of you need to address, but you really need to find a way to address those things in a manner that shows you in a good way - a way that will make him ask himself, "Uh ... do I really want to leave this awesome person for zipperface?"

Dig down deep and find that woman who is strong, patient and amazing! Do it for your s and do it for yourself!

[kml]

I did previously raise the issue that son and I need a car with him. It sent him straight into Monster, "he doesn't see how he can possibly be expected to pay for that when money is so tight already, etc."

I would point out to him that money will be a lot less tight once you can get a job, and that you need a car in order to be able to work.

I did mention that it seems like there are a lot of new expenses that could just as easily cover a cheap car payment... later he came around and said "when he gets his tax return in April, getting a second car is the plan."

He can file his taxes the minute he gets his W2 (which arrives before the end of January). So long as he doesn't dawdle on filing, he could have his refund in February.

Does he not have any credit cards or credit rating? I would think if his credit is at all ok, he could just put the down payment for a used car on his credit card. Even a beater would be of use to you right now.

Is he abusive in other ways? Because this all sounds like the kind of control that abusive men employ - keeping you dependent and cut off.

[kml]

Also, what kind of family support is available to you? Do you have family that you could move home to, just to get a start to get on your feet?

Right now he has the best of both worlds - gets to live out his fantasy with OW, while keeping you and son at home. Reality needs to bite him in the you-know-where.

[tigerlily78]

I understand that there are a lot of issues (like the groceries, the car, etc.) that the two of you need to address, but you really need to find a way to address those things in a manner that shows you in a good way - a way that will make him ask himself, "Uh ... do I really want to leave this awesome person for zipperface?"

Dig down deep and find that woman who is strong, patient and amazing! Do it for your s and do it for yourself!

2times. I know your advice is spot on. I tell myself these things. I meditate on it... in the moment though I am still getting sucked in. I almost feel like I need another outlet for my frustration, but I don't know what. I run, I am journaling, I have a few friends I can vent to without judgment. I have you all wonderful people on the forum to listen to my b*tching...
I don't have any extra plates to break!

I feel like I am doing better about not yelling in front of son, so that is progress I guess I can feel good about.

[tigerlily78]

I would point out to him that money will be a lot less tight once you can get a job, and that you need a car in order to be able to work.

He can file his taxes the minute he gets his W2 (which arrives before the end of January). So long as he doesn't dawdle on filing, he could have his refund in February.

Does he not have any credit cards or credit rating? I would think if his credit is at all ok, he could just put the down payment for a used car on his credit card. Even a beater would be of use to you right now.

Is he abusive in other ways? Because this all sounds like the kind of control that abusive men employ - keeping you dependent and cut off.

KML, The job market here is worse than it is nationwide, so as much as I would like to think I am highly employable, I am not sure the odds are in my favor right now. I think in his mind the job needs to come before the car.

His credit is okay, not great. He already has considerable debt that ensures he wouldn't get a good interest rate. He only has one open credit account now that I know of and the limit is only $500 and the APR is high.

Yes, conceivably he could file the taxes earlier this year. Oddly enough he works for a company that does software relating to tax services... so this is their busy time of year and he usually puts it off until the last minute.

He has on a few occasions over the years lost his temper and said things that were emotionally abusive or broke something (the hole in the wall, a folding chair). I don't feel like son and I are in any physical danger of violence. It's more the potential psychological impacts and the risk of "neglect" of responsibilities that troubles me.

The only "family" we have nearby are his parents and neither of us have talked to them in 2 years. They are dysfunctional, I would rather not have to rely on them for anything. All my family is in another state (1300 miles away)... my mom has said I am welcome to move home if I decide I need to. (She knows we are dealing with MLC and bad decision making and emotional turmoil, not that there is OW). So I *do* have that option if I need it and can work out the logistics. It would be a very difficult situation for my son though, he is a special needs student and the area where they live does not have the same kinds of resources in the school district that he currently gets. We'd also be leaving his friends and activities that it has taken us years to establish due to his Aspergers. It is not a decision I could/would make lightly.