H left wants D I don't.....EA as well

[NotAgainPlease]

I wanted to mention my H has thrown himself into work. He works about 15 hours 6 days a week. I am not sure that he OW says not but?? I guess work is his way of occupying his mind?

[NotAgainPlease]

Boy I messed that up. I was trying to say I am not sure he has OW, he says not.
He is working himself to death no to think about us I think. And we need the money of course.
I can still hear in his voice he is really angry with me from all our past fighting...Hopefully he will soften with time??

I am still unsure about going to his work Christmas party. I will make sure I am on my BEST behavior if I go. Plus, I am getting a cold that my kids had that I was trying so hard not to get!

[NotAgainPlease]

H came over to pick up some stuff in the garage. It was a pleasant conversation. Then he said so are you going to the party? I said if it was still okay. He said yes but you'll have to drive your self...he will be working late and going from there. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to then...??

[NotAgainPlease]

Well H came go pick up D13 to drive to gymnastics. Nice gesture. I fed him dinner before they left. He was here about 20 mins.
He is pretty cold. Not much eye contact. Not that I expected more. H definitely has a big wall up!

[NotAgainPlease]

Well no contact for 3 days. I keep saying it will will get easier? ??
I just have D/S13 call if they need him. H sent me a text about something in important and I I ignored it. We'll see?

[FlyOnTheWall]

It will.....but it takes time.

The hard part is not letting your mind constantly "go there".

But not having to deal with the coldness, the anger, feels better.

Question about the xmas party, if you cant go with him then you don't know if u even want to go? That's pretty passive-aggressive. If you cant have it your way, then you just are willing to do it? The party is a real chance to show off some PMA, get dressed up to the 9's, and get out of the house.

Your willing to feed him, he's shown a few small steps with the kids. Is it not enough for you right now, then your still having to many expectations. Remember this is going to take time, lots of time.

You want to show your making changes, cause you certainly cant tell him. But then you limit those chances. You keep heading into a cheeseless tunnel.

He sounds like he's angry but still being pretty responsible, take the baby steps, take his anger as your chance to validate and listen. Get back to work, you can do it.

[FlyOnTheWall]

sorry, then your NOT willing to do it

[NotAgainPlease]

Thanks FOTW,
I know that wasn't right to say if I couldn't go with him I wasn't going. It was just my emotions getting in the way. He didn't want me to go anyway..I know that it just hurts!
I ended up not going because I caught my kids bad cold. A benefit for H not living here!!!
H sent me a text this AM thanking me for letting our son go the the football game today with BIL. I really did not want respond do to my no contact. But after an hour I did saying... no need thank me and I'm glad he could go he was excited. I was kind of confused why he was thanking in the first place. But maybe that was his way of being able to contact me? I also said..sorry you had to work and couldn't go too. We appreciate all the long hours you're working it is not going un-noticed.

Then no reply and then my mind takes over and says why did I even reply? Wrong I know! At least I didnt send a text saying WTH no reply? I am learning some things!

[FlyOnTheWall]

So tell me. Have you read 5 love languages yet? Cause the ty for working quote is perfect if his LL is words of affirmation.

I know, and you do too, that you need to be careful what you say. But honestly. That's was a great 180 for u considering the anger you've been dealing with.

Stay strong, you can do this.

[NotAgainPlease]

FOTW,

Yes, I have thanks!!
My H is has been going to school for the past 3 years to be a paramedic/firefighter. A major part of our stress and money issues. Just to give a little back story. He was offered a FF job 3 mos. ago and then they city put it on hold due to budgets.
H took a full time job with a friend because his paramedic job wasn't giving enough hours. So not he does both. 6-7 days a week. He is going to burn out I am afraid but I also think it is his way of not dealing??
Anyway, I have always been the one to fill out and send the tedious applications. There haven't been many to do lately but I have just been passing the notices along to him.
Today one came up that needed to be done today. I sent it to him and told him. He said he was too busy today and couldn't get to it unill tonight. Not wanting to but I did because he needs to be independent.... I said if you would like I will do it for you? He said if I would he would really appreciate it. I said okay and thanked me very much....I actually did two for him.

I am not sure if you know we went though this 7 years ago and obviously didn't learn .
I reread my old post and I still am unsure about the not contact or contact with kindness for him. I know contact with kindness is seen but no contact at all?? Not sure he misses or is a good strategy? I am just kind of talking out loud as we really don't have much no contact. We do physically and emotionally really as texts are brief and not about us but??

He does respond to kindness for sure I just need to figure out how much or little. I need to follow his lead..I need to let him initiate contact for sure.

H is a very social person. Texting, talking etc. H said he was no longer with EA but I have heard that MANY times before. H told D13 the other day the same thing.
H has been doing very little texting(phone bill, I know bad) however he has a work phone which he says is strictly for work. H has always been self employed and had lots of free texting time. No more. My point being little texting is different for him. Maybe he is still with EA? If not he may start texting me? However I know he texts my daughter a lot. I make him sound like a textoholic, lol..maybe?? Seems to always need to talk to someone, I guess I didn't fulfill that .
Sorry rambling!