Newbie needs help:husband left Saturday

[mirage]

Newbie,

Your story brought me back to about 4 years ago.

Take care of yourself. The trip your husband is taking will be tough on you unless you can detach from it. Do it for your kids. The affect on kids can be very traumatizing. You need to be the rock.

Please keep reading

Mirage

[dxw689]

An update and a thank you for those that continue to reply/post. I was away at a conference all weekend: This was maybe for the best, given that it was only about a week ago he moved out and there is a lot of advice to go dark. Although I felt quite a lot of sadness at the conference, it also gave me some physical distance to get used to being away from him, which is easier without the kids. The hardest part I find is being home alone with them, ESPECIALLY at dinner.

But I have done my reading (Cadet's posts and others) and I was beginning to feel some of the acceptance and turning the situation over to God that is advised, particularly during the flight home. This helped when I came home, since my husband was staying in our house with the kids - I was able to act "dim" as advised, rather than the distressed signals I had previously been giving off.

Now I am home: there was a snow day for kids today and I stayed home from work with them: I have for the most part enjoyed the day. This is a big advance. But this afternoon, feeling some back-sliding into sadness. He is so closed off to me - sort of a patronizing attitude - but not angry as many describe a hallmark trait of MLCers - anyone else have this sort of thing instead? Anyone think then that this is maybe NOT MLC and - well, he just doesn't love me any more and I should give up?

One of the things I have a hard time with is that, given that he is so adamant that he does not want to work on the marriage, and clearly his choice to move out so abruptly says he does not want to be with me, how do I know when to stop working myself in the hope that he will come back? A friend this weekend told me "You'll just know" - believe it or not, that helps some - coupled with the attitude I am receiving from all of you to just accept it as it is today and that is all I can do... many thanks and all input welcome...

[dxw689]

Well, an update -maybe I am off moderation now? Short story: my husband left me 11/30 just 3 days after telling me he got the keys to an apartment: he had told me he was planning to move out about 6 weeks ago, ("I don't want to spend the next 20 years with you" - shortly after our 20th anniversary). It is quite an emotional rollercoaster. I am trying to implement all your good advice, but although I have moments of peace, I usually cannot sustain the detachment. 2 kids: 11 yo boy, 8 yo girl.

He is very involved with the kids and our lives - even though he moved out, he spent all day (10-7:30) on Saturday getting a tree with us and decorating the house. He also came Sunday morning and shoveled us out so I could go to church. He is generally a kind man, so I am finding it hard getting angry enough to separate emotionally. And yet, the primary reason for his moving out is that I would get angry and yell at him on occasion: Often not directly due to something he was doing, but because my stress leaked out - but he has internalized things and in the last year, told me he was writing down when I yelled at him - even though only 2 times in the last year or so(Superbowl Sunday and in August on vacation), they were doozies. I have tried to apologize and make amends, but to no avail. He says he is not in love with me anymore.

He says he does not want to work on the marriage/relationship. After Saturday, he told me he was happy now that he has moved out. I am still having trouble separating emotionally and blaming myself for yelling at him, but I cannot change anything now. We spend a lot of time together because of the kids - he often still gets them before and after school and takes them back to my house. I'm not sure how to handle the holidays. We plan to spend all of Christmas day together and we normally visit his father the Saturday before Christmas and my father the Sunday after - do I continue to do this? It is so hurtful that he is happy having moved out: The idea that it is MLC and not just me is less easy to justify - but he is very conflict-averse and he had never discussed with me prior to bomb drop. I am still having difficulty accepting and detaching: I feel such sadness and guilt, but I am learning to accept a little better I think each day... and learning...

[dxw689]

I wonder if someone could comment on cadet's quote: Your spouse has given you a gift, the gift of time: use it wisely... indeed, I am struggling with this - it seems that since the bomb drop, I have felt I am in a ticking time bomb - first, that he wanted to move out without working on things and it was clear he wanted it pretty quickly and second, the final notification with only 3 days until actual move-out day. Now Christmas is upon us - how do you feel - well, not so under-the-gun - to work through your feelings, your relationship, your life... when the other has cut out and shut down?

[CallaghanClown]

Making my way through cadet's excellent links. Kids were very sad and difficult this morning. I have the urge to call and share with husband, but am trying to go dark. Wow. I had reached some peace on the (long) drive into work yesterday, but in the afternoon then slid back into obsession about it. How do you read through so much, and yet get some distance at the same time to focus on other things?

Thanks again for the community!!!

I found that difficult too but the information is invaluable. Try to read as much as you can but give yourself you time. Don't over do it. Be kind to yourself.

[LoisB]

I wonder if someone could comment on cadet's quote: Your spouse has given you a gift, the gift of time: use it wisely... indeed, I am struggling with this - it seems that since the bomb drop, I have felt I am in a ticking time bomb - first, that he wanted to move out without working on things and it was clear he wanted it pretty quickly and second, the final notification with only 3 days until actual move-out day. Now Christmas is upon us - how do you feel - well, not so under-the-gun - to work through your feelings, your relationship, your life... when the other has cut out and shut down?

First off, take really good care of yourself. You have had a shock and time is needed to gather strength. I recommend you do anything that nurtures your heart and soul right now. Protect your heart from further harm, hence the suggestion to go dark. You are fragile right now and adding any fuel to the fire may attract more harm to you. Knowing what exactly will be considered "fuel" to him is impossible right now. Protect and nurture yourself and your kids.

Cadet mentions the "gift of time" because rarely in life do we have the opportunity to step out of our comfort zone, away from our spouse, and work on ourselves. Your spouse has chosen to go on a journey without you right now. Time will tell what's down the road for the two of you. Right now, there's only one of you at you can control and that's you. Use this time wisely to become someone only a fool would leave. Regardless of whether he stays in the marriage or not, you will, then, be ok. Becoming your best self makes your future solid with or without your H.

Much much love to you and your kids,

Heather

[CallaghanClown]

Is your H in MLC? Good question....he may be, he may not be, but it doesn't make a difference to how you treat him or yourself. But if it helps, yes I think he is in MLC.

This won't help but I feel it needs to be said. He's told you he doesn't love you anymore, I'd prepare yourself for the fact you don't know everything yet. I'd guess him not loving you anymore isn't the last bomb he's going to drop.

As for Christmas it's completely up to you what you do. However you make the decision for yourself and your kids, not him. I'm in a similar position. My H likes to have all the family time but then go back to living is single life. I've made the decision that if he doesn't want to be a family man any longer then events like Christmas and the traditions surrounding them will have to change. This will hurt him but that's not my intension. I need to put me first sometimes, this is one of the times.

Best of luck with your decisions. Too tip: sleep on it!

[dxw689]

Wow, CallaghanClown: Can't believe reading your story how some similarities. I can't believe when I look at the calendar that I've been going through this for almost 3 months now: I have become obsessed with this situation and I don't know how to get out of it. Just talked to my husband about an order we had placed for our printer and couldn't help asking if he wanted to come early for dinner before my daughter's girl scout meeting, when he is coming to watch my son. An emphatic no - just when I think I am seeing some signs of softening, I get smacked down. I keep hoping like a fool, that I can bring him around.

I had already settled on visiting with his father on Saturday before Christmas - I was telling myself for the kids' sake, but really I want to be with him and show him my good side. But I know I am still trying to win him back - and it is not working. It is sad and I am a mess. I am driving my sister crazy constantly talking about this to her. When I reach acceptance, it is only for the briefest of times. The best wishes to you also going through this.

[BrightFuture]

Dxw, what you are experiencing is very typical. I remember I had the exact same feelings a year ago. I also could not stop talking about my sitch with my GF and my sister and drove them crazy sometimes too. This was before I found this site. I hope your sister has more patience. You might need that talking to help you to process your feelings. I know I needed to talk, and still do, even though it is not on the scale it was a year ago.

CC, you just described my H by saying that he likes the family time, but then goes back to his single life. This is what my H wanted, for us to be friends and attend each other’s family gatherings, mostly my family though. And then he would go back to live a single’s life and search for his “harmonious” partner. So far, he has not been at any of my family events (after BD), and I think I will not want him there in any case.

Dxw, your situation is fairly new. And this is difficult, especially during holidays. Your H is sensing that you are trying to win him back and runs even further away. You need to learn how to fake it until you make it. Act perfectly content and happy. Come to this board to post and get some advice. You can do it.

[CallaghanClown]

Rant and rave here.....try to leave him to cook.

Work on detaching. It will be a roller coaster, some good days and some bad.