It is well with my soul

[Raine]

I'm really proud of you Linda. Now is the time to hold strong. Do not waiver. Do not go back. Steady and strong, as a loving parent who is doing the very best thing they can for their child, even if it means that child is going to hate them for it. He needs this. He needs to see life without you in the picture so he can stop blaming you for all of his problems. I think the "before or after Christmas" was a guilt dig at you: "You really goign to do this right around Christmas? You going to do that to the kids?" This is the same kind of line that my H threw at me in the infamous park lot show down. And my response was "Now. Tonight. Not another day." And the response to "Where am I going to go? I have no where to go," was "You want to be with her. Go live with her."

Now if your H begs to stay, like mine did, I know that big heart of yours may have a difficult time with that. So you need to decide now, are you going to say no, he needs to leave, that it is not a health living environment for you, or are you going to set boundaries? And if you set boundaries, they need to come with dates and consequences. If he breaks them, he will need to have a place to stay and leave the house within three days kind of thing. He will continue to cycle and disrespect you for the rest of your life if you don't do this. Some of the possible things to consider to set:

1 - Break off the situation with RT. No further communication of any kind. No communication with other women he has any any kind of emotional/flirtatious communications/interactions with. No flirtations with anyone else. This behavior is disrespectful to you and to the marriage.

2 - No disrespecting you. Speak nicely and treat you nicely.

3 - He needs to have an appt set to see a IC by x date. The first C session needs to happen by x date.

4 - Full honesty and transparency

This is going to be one of the most difficult things you have ever done. You can do this Linda.

[uRworthy]

Hello, my friend. You know how I feel about this. I am so very proud of you standing up for you.

What I want you to really know is that what you are doing is actually an act of love. It is allowing your h to walk his journey without any kind of interference. It is also an act of love for yourself.

I have wanted you to do something different for quite some time. I knew you would when you were ready.

Having a MLC does not give them a free pass to behave disrespectfully towards their spouse. It is not ok.

So, I know you, Rosa, you are going to be hard on yourself. Dont be. You are going to have some ups and downs. Be kind to you. Cry if you need to and then when you can, picture your little Brooklyn friend telling you, that you are going to be ok.

You will be, you know. And you know my answer to most things. Turn up the music and sing as loud as you can. And dance like no one is watching.

I prefer for you to look at this not as an ultimatum. You are setting a boundary that is saying, you will not tolerate unkind behaviour any longer. And you will not tolerate another person in your marriage.

As FY said, it is imperative that you stick to this boundary. He may, when he sees you are serious, become angry or he may try to change his ways a bit. You need to see consistent behaviours over a long period, so, be aware that they often do try to smooth things over for a time.

We are all here for you, praying and rooting you on. You can do this, sweetie.

I know it.

[kml]

You handled yourself with dignity, gave him yet another opportunity to step up to the plate and fix this, and set a healthy boundary. Good job.

I know this is really difficult, knowing that his brain is all messed up. I had the same kinds of issues with my ex (multiple concussions in his case) which made it hard for me to let go, thinking that he wasn't completely in his right mind. But I eventually came to see that, concussions or no, he was competent enough to make the decision to end our marriage, and it hadn't really changed him from who he had been in the past - just accentuated the bad parts.

Once I accepted the fact that I couldn't change the course we were on - I embraced change and my new life. Once I did that, my life got better. Not walking on eggshells is a marvelous feeling! Having lovers who cherish us for who we really are is fantastic!

You did your best, you can sleep well at night knowing you didn't abandon him - for five long hard years you hung in there. Lyme disease or no, this behavior towards you is just unacceptable. Stick to the high road, work out an equitable settlement, and stop putting your own life on hold.

[Pudmuddle]

rl, I'm so proud of you, that you found the confidence and belief in yourself to take this scary step. But I agree with others that he has gone too long being a complet @ss to you and treating you disrespectfully. No one deserves that. You have been nothing but kind, loving and patient.

He is so angry still even after 5 years, I don't know if he will ever learn how to deal with those feelings. Kicking him out is the best thing you could have ever done, mostly for yourself, because I bet now you will find peace in your home. Everyone needs a place of sanctuary.

I'm so sorry this happened but I am so proud of you. I wish I could hug you in real life. Hugs and peace to you rl, you truly truly deserve that.

[Wonka]

Hey Linda,

Awesome that you've found your own special backbone and stood up to H!!! Did you order it from Amazon!?

The below quote got my attention quick:

After this conversation, we heard that one of our high school friends had just died from a heart attack. I felt so sorry for his wife and two teenaged daughters, but H seemed almost jealous of him. He said lucky guy, his troubles are all over.

H has truly lost his sensitivity chip somewhere in the robot repair pile from Skywalker's shop. He ain't C-3PO for sure! What struck me the most about this comment from H is that he sees you as the "problem" getting in the way of his imagined 'happiness' with RT. Wow. H is not in the real world at all and just wants you out of the picture.

The next time you have one of those 'talks' with H, tell this to H's face: "If you're so g-damned unhappy with me, get the f*ck outta here NOW! Right now, you've got it real good here. Time to find out what life is like out there, H." I totally get H's comments about not telling his sons about this until after the holidays. Like me, H is anxious not to have 101 eyeballs staring at him in judgment. He's so messed up right now that he has NO clue what is real any more.

Linda, you've got to seriously step up and nip H's rudeness as they occur. Not a day or two later. Take back your own personal power and self-respect. Sick or not, H needs to show more courtesy and respect to you...not because you are his wife, but as a fellow human-being.

I gotta hand it to you as you did show true courage in confronting H! Just make sure it is not a one-time thing for you.

Raine,

What makes you think that H will trot off obediently to IC after a "stern" telling off from Linda? He won't for the following reasons:

1) He is still very much wrapped up and enamored with his fake wife named "RT"
2) He has a host of health problems...he just cannot handle IC on top of it
3) He is still eating fermented oatmeal on the 'orders' of RT...which is a big jump from this to IC!

[beatrice]

RL I am sorry that your husband has been behaving so horribly. You did the right thing, and we are all here for you.

The loss of a long marriage is so very hard (the loss of any marriage is hard!) but I promise you it does get better. Life is easier without these crazy people. Honestly!!

[BrightFuture]

Linda, I’m so sorry that your H is continuing to behave this way. I agree with other posters that you did the right thing to tell him that you had enough of his antics. Now you need to stay the course. You have nothing to lose.

I’m posting a couple of quotes from the Stop Your Divorce book I keep reading over and over.

“So the reason he’s pulling away is he has low self-esteem and he’s looking down on you for being in love with him.”

“The more you pursue your husband, wife, or girlfriend, the more you pursue them,
the more they subconsciously have contempt for you. They think you’re stupid to be in love with them, because they have such a low opinion of themselves, whether they’re aware of this or not.”

Something to think about. Your H definitely has low self–esteem issue. You need to show him your strong side and stop tolerating his bad behavior.

[Raine]

Raine,

What makes you think that H will trot off obediently to IC after a "stern" telling off from Linda? He won't for the following reasons:

1) He is still very much wrapped up and enamored with his fake wife named "RT"
2) He has a host of health problems...he just cannot handle IC on top of it
3) He is still eating fermented oatmeal on the 'orders' of RT...which is a big jump from this to IC!

Wonka, those are only if Linda's H begs to stay. He may not. He may just leave after Christmas, nothing more said, and then the boundaries aren't discussed anyway. If he begs to stay, he will do anything to stay. I told my H I was setting him up for failure if I put the expectation there that he had to quit OW cold turkey. And yes he avoided and pushed the limit on that boundary, but I did not back down on it. Linda's H is going to need all the help he can get if his drug of choice is off the table. That has to forever be off the table if he is going to live there with her. And if he leaves, he may ask to come back, and she needs to be prepared with what her boundaries are.

[LoisB]

Linda,

I'm so proud of you. You are amazing.

You stood up for yourself!!

I know it hurts too.

We are here for you.

Lots and lots and lots of love to you.

Heather

[sweetbabyred]

Linda,

There's nothing wrong with having boundaries and sticking up for yourself. It hurts to have to do, but you are much stronger than you know and you'll be ok no matter what he ultimately decides to do.

We are all here for you and are cheering you on to be the best person you can be, so keep posting when you need to.