The Brave Man

[Lostforwords]

LOL....in a way your moods right now do flow with theirs (JF and Lois). The true challenge is to cease the affect their mood has on yours. This is actually good for any interaction whether it is your walking deads, kids, or co-workers. We all to often take responsibility of another person's emotional state. Example- My daughter came home from school and was tearing anything in the house a new one (I caught her hollering at the fridge....seriously). So instead of taking ownership of her emotional state and getting angry with her or try fixing it.....I just listened to her problems. I offered no solution, no quick fix, nothing....but she calmed down. I don't suggest doing this with your wife, but it is a different way of dealing with life's relationships.

I will give you a little thinking assignment....Make a list of five things you 100% control. Then make a list of five things that concern you and control you. They can be anything....truly anything.

Example from above.....the walking dead are changing...evolving so to speak. Definitely to be expected. The question is why are you so entranced by their changes, yet not as entranced in making your own? See, by being so focused on them to notice these changes you are not focused on yourself. so you are letting an item of concern (their changes) control your focus on you. Think about it....I am hungry and need to go shopping..... that is something I control.

[JFun51]

Must share and then I'll get onto my assignment. Great day with family today. Christmas party in Sunday school this morning. I've really enjoyed meeting some new people and sharing with these friends. Nice fellowship as we set aside study for sharing about our lives and the upcoming holidays.

Sermon was appropriate as preacher talked about preparing our hearts for God. So true in our LBS role. The only thing we can do is prepare ourselves and work on our own mindset. Anything beyond that is not under our control. So prep your own self for the next R, no matter who it is with.

Went as a family to a community chorus presentation of Handel's Messiah. More fun to see people in our community displaying their talents.

On to the weirdness:

W made a smarta$$ comment to S10 as we were coming out of church about living in the Twilight Zone for the past few weeks. This was after I made sure up speak to one of the members of my SS class before we left.

She also asked me afterwards if anyone asked why she didn't come to Sunday School with me and I truthfully answered NO.

At lunch, W was talking about the latest thing someone has volunteered her to do. She never says no to anything or anyone but me. This has been the case for 20 years. Anyway, she was looking for old JF to say she shouldn't or it was too much. I simply told her if it was something she thought she wanted to do, she should do it. S10 and S12 did the work for me. When she asked out loud "Why do people always ask me to do these things?" The boys jumped in. Both said "Because you never say no" & "Because you will do it" & "Because they want you to spend more time away" (a gem from S10).

The biggest problem with her taking things in is that she can't handle any responsibility right now, much less adding more. I didn't say anything more than encourage her to do it if she wanted to.

Kids say the darnedest things...

[Mach1]

Hey JF...

I see that you have met my good friend Lost....

Of the many misnomers in this world..you will find that "Lostforwords" is rarely ....at a loss for words : )

Read them all too...


I think that what you describe above really ties into what Lost was saying too..

Focusing on those transactions between them, and trying to find meaning in them. I realize that you are just an observer, and just relaying the crazy that you are seeing.

What happens there, is that most of the time, it becomes the first step into a major spin out in turn 3.

How's that homework coming along ???

(I caught her hollering at the fridge....seriously).

Wait...that's not normal ???


: )

So instead of taking ownership of her emotional state and getting angry with her or try fixing it.....I just listened to her problems. I offered no solution, no quick fix, nothing....but she calmed down.

Exactly....

That sounds like something I learned on an online forum : )

[JFun51]

Lostforwords,

Thanks for stopping by my sitch. Thanks for the info on Stockdale. I did some research on the Stockdale Paradox. I remember him as a VP candidate in 92, but did not know all of his history. Wish I had, I would have looked at him a little differently. The idea of accepting the gritty, raw reality of our current situation and dealing with it while understanding it will not always be like this has been stated here over and over. It will change one day. Either through separation or reconciliation. That cannot be known or controlled at this point. Only how I deal with today, my kids, and my own actions can be controlled.

Going to do some more homework today. My biggest problem right now is too much watching W and her actions. I have come to grips with the fact that I have no control over her actions. I have also truly come to the realization that I will be OK with or without her. I've just gotta make myself stop watching. Its a process...

Going back to Eric's post to me before the weekend about doing things for myself now. I've got several things I want to do to my truck. Been putting them off since BD. Full detailing, installing fog lights, new speakers, seat covers, paint bumper and wheels. I have all of the materials, just haven't taken the time to do them. That's for me. Also, picked up a couple of books to read for me. Not self help or relationship books. Good books about history and war. Looking for more stuff. Golfing with buddies is always great, but weather hasn't allowed that.

Mach-I got myself a little overwhelmed digging too many weeds at once last week. Gotta take things one step at a time. I am a good person and none of what is happening with her is my fault. I have owned up to and accepted my contributions to our less than stellar R. I can lay out exactly why she is where she is and what her issues are. It's very clear to me what is going with her. She is returning to the moment when her mother left and gave her no direction during her teenage years. She's got a lot of work to do.

As for me, I'm making myself a plan to deal with my issues one at a time. Dealing with my unresolved R with my dad is #1. Gotta say what I should have said and accept the fact that the both of us were lost and did the best we could. Didn't mean he loved me less or I loved him less. We just used the tools and experiences we had at the time. If we'd have known better, we would have done better. Simple as that.

In general, accepting the events of our life for what they are and nothing more is important. What's more important is our reactions and how we grow from each of these learning experiences.

To all-I am eternally grateful to everyone here that has decided to take their own time to help me out. Please, keep asking me the tough questions. My outlook on myself, my M, and my world in general is changing. If I wasn't here, and I was trying to navigate this alone, I would be a terrible mess right now. The list of people that have helped me continues to grow. Thanks to you all.

Keep it coming. I told you in the beginning I might surprise you. I've surprised myself.

[TSquared2]

Hey ya JF,

As far as the watching W....what I did/do to help me was keep a journal, and since I'm an engineering/science nerd, once I "noted the subjects demonstrated behaviors", I could let that go in my head better and keep moving with my life.

I really got into the mindset of a scientist, really helped with detaching, and you know, this stuff is incredibly fascinating....it'd be even more so if we weren't in the middle of it...

They don't call me "clipboard" for nothin'....

In general, accepting the events of our life for what they are and nothing more is important. What's more important is our reactions and how we grow from each of these learning experiences.

Good stuff ^^^.

I've surprised myself.

And that there ^^^^ is such a feeling of accomplishment, yes? I remember well when that dawned on me. What a day!

Not to get hopes or expectations up, but further down the road, W said that I surprised her. They do notice, even though they can't tell us that, especially when they are drowning, and we aren't.

Doing awesomely, my friend, doing awesomely....

Keep going...

[Whiterose]

You have come sooooooo far JFun!! honestly, in such a short amount of time, you seem different....better.

Fantastic my friend. Keep it up:)

[JFun51]

T2-Love the clipboard and documentation aspect of it. I actually have done some of that myself, albeit for the wrong reasons. I tried to make a list of events, conversations, developments, etc. to try to create a timeline so I could tell where we were at in the process of her MLC. Trying to predict where we were so that I could look into the crystal ball and decide how much longer I had to endure things. Bad move. I abandoned that idea pretty quickly with the help of this board and other people's sitches. I think I may revisit that idea just to catalog everything from an observer's standpoint. That's basically what I've wound up doing here on the board anyway. I know I can't fix her, it's just nice to share with others the craziness.

BTW, I'm a history nerd, so the cause/effect aspect of this MLC is fascinating to me. As well as the examination of events and how our reactions shape our own existence. I teach kids to learn from their past every day. Doh! Why can't I just listen to myself?

[AJM]

I'd have guessed history nerd right after you mentioned remembering Stockdale ran for VP.

Picture a 23 year old vacuuming and screaming fvck, c-nt, p---y!

I. Cannot. Stop. Laughing. My cubicle farm compadres are starting to stare and I may wet my pants if I can't laugh out loud. Thank you for sharing that!!!

It will change one day.

Each day, JF. Each moment. ...and you will prevail in the end.

Gotta take things one step at a time. I am a good person...

I have owned up to and accepted my contributions to our less than stellar R.

I can lay out exactly why she is where she is and what her issues are. It's very clear to me what is going with her. She is returning to the moment when her mother left and gave her no direction during her teenage years. She's got a lot of work to do.

Umm... No. Don't do that. Let's not think we have it figured out. Remember that Stockdale thing? You're looking at this searching for meaning. A larger purpose vs. what is, is. Try not to do that as it may lead you down the path of getting your hopes broken. What if it is the reason? What if there are more reasons after this one? What if you're wrong? What if you're right? - the actions are still the same and you cannot fix it. If you cannot fix her, then perhaps your time is better spent elsewhere? You'll know the real reasons as that information is truly needed. Not a moment before that. Stop trying to read the end of the book first.

As for me, I'm making myself a plan to deal with my issues one at a time.

Yes! Much like the old saying -"Don't try to swallow the whole elephant. Elephants are best eaten in pieces"

I think you've done a great job so far, but wanted to remind you to watch your step. It's easy and comfortable to "diagnose" her. It's warm. Inviting. But not very useful to you amigo.

Focus on you. Focus on your kids. Let her figure out if she's going to keep up with you or not. Let her try and figure out why you're happy, content, and ready for anything. Why you're not running after her like a love-sick puppy. Let her wonder if people are starting to talk about her in sunday school class. Or behind her back. Let her figure out if you have told everyone that would listen or not (hopefully not). Not the other way around.

Life's good JF. Don't miss a minute of it.


AJ

[uRworthy]

Hiya J, you know, I had to come to grips with my relationship with my mom. It wasnt resolved completely before she passed.

I felt a lot of guilt for a long time about that. I lettered in guilt. Ask Mach.

The thing I have learned it what you are learning. She and I were human. We both made mistakes. Her stuff was from a difficult childhood. I know now that she loved me the best she could. I did the same. It was the way it was and thats ok.

So, I knew the way I could honor that relationship was to take the things I learned from it and use what I learned in my own relationship with my son.

Your dad loved you. YOu know that. He knew you loved him. And in the end, that is what matters.

[JFun51]

AJ-Thanks for reminding me not to diagnose everything. You are so right. I have come to grips with the fact that I can't fix her, so why in the world would I spend the emotional energy trying to think that I have her stuff figured out only set myself up for failure. It is what it is, right?

UR-I am really working hard on shedding the guilt. My dad had a very shallow toolkit to deal with relationships. He was adopted, his father died when he was 18, found his birth mother was a single mom and didn't know his birth father. He talked to me about it one time after mom left.

We did the best we could. I know better now.