Well, an update -maybe I am off moderation now? Short story: my husband left me 11/30 just 3 days after telling me he got the keys to an apartment: he had told me he was planning to move out about 6 weeks ago, ("I don't want to spend the next 20 years with you" - shortly after our 20th anniversary). It is quite an emotional rollercoaster. I am trying to implement all your good advice, but although I have moments of peace, I usually cannot sustain the detachment. 2 kids: 11 yo boy, 8 yo girl.
He is very involved with the kids and our lives - even though he moved out, he spent all day (10-7:30) on Saturday getting a tree with us and decorating the house. He also came Sunday morning and shoveled us out so I could go to church. He is generally a kind man, so I am finding it hard getting angry enough to separate emotionally. And yet, the primary reason for his moving out is that I would get angry and yell at him on occasion: Often not directly due to something he was doing, but because my stress leaked out - but he has internalized things and in the last year, told me he was writing down when I yelled at him - even though only 2 times in the last year or so(Superbowl Sunday and in August on vacation), they were doozies. I have tried to apologize and make amends, but to no avail. He says he is not in love with me anymore.
He says he does not want to work on the marriage/relationship. After Saturday, he told me he was happy now that he has moved out. I am still having trouble separating emotionally and blaming myself for yelling at him, but I cannot change anything now. We spend a lot of time together because of the kids - he often still gets them before and after school and takes them back to my house. I'm not sure how to handle the holidays. We plan to spend all of Christmas day together and we normally visit his father the Saturday before Christmas and my father the Sunday after - do I continue to do this? It is so hurtful that he is happy having moved out: The idea that it is MLC and not just me is less easy to justify - but he is very conflict-averse and he had never discussed with me prior to bomb drop. I am still having difficulty accepting and detaching: I feel such sadness and guilt, but I am learning to accept a little better I think each day... and learning...
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14