wife moved to.parents house last week scared

[paul19510]

Hi all
My wife of 16 years moved to her parents 12/5. She has also spent several nights house sitting accross the street after she left our house. We've been struggling for years and have seen 2 therapists during that time. We have 3 kids. S 12 d 13 and d 16. She came to the house this morning to pick up the kids for school. She was early and I was outside walking the dogs. Usually she pulls in calls the kids to the car and leaves. We don't see each other that way.

I spoke with my coach Jody on Friday. She reminded me of the 4 Cs and to back off except for essential stuff ie kids house or business stuff. She Also asked me to send an email to.W. once a week with "events at the house this week". I did that.

Her dad just fell over the weekend and is now in hospital. She told.me that today. The kids came up during our brief talk our S is sick with anxiety and I had to tell her I was keeping him home today . She reminded me that they are hurting and she said with tears she missed them. I replied we miss you too. I have put my wedding ring back on and she could see that. She hes removed
hers. I noticed but didn't say. She started to hide her hand while we talked after I noticed. Continuing to work on detachment and bettering me. My freinds wife spoke with her and relayed that she told the wife shes "done". I have been uncertain about this marriage for a while now but feel empty without her here. Now thee its going south. I don't want it to happen. Is there hope. She left by saying shes taking time to think and within 20 days her ring is off and shes telling people shes done....

[melissag]

Hi Paul,

So sorry you find yourself here, but know that you are in the right place, where there are tons of kind and wise people to help you along.

I have a few random thoughts for you:

(1) Have you read the book Divorce Remedy? If not, please do so ASAP.

(2) If she is not wearing her ring, take yours off. It shows you accept and respect what she is doing, rather than fighting it. Fighting it will push her away further.

(3) What are the four Cs? (Just curious, I hadn't heard of that before.)

(4) I should have said this one first. There is hope if you have hope!

(5) They all say they are done. Some of them change their minds. Don't assume that she will feel the same way this afternoon, tomorrow, or six months from now.

What are your issues? What happened in MC? The more details you give, the more help you will get!

[paul19510]

Thanks for your reply. MC was 5 years ago and 7 years ago. Issues were lack of time together and lack of connection. They told us to go out more. Despite asking she didn't agree to more than 3 or 4 nights a year. I felt pushed away. I am sure I withdrew. She also started sleeping on the couch abt 10 months ago due to some back hip and leg pain. I tried to encourage her back to bed. She never came back before moving out. She runs I persist. So I am learning to back off. I also wear my heart on my sleeve. I told a friend about how bad I felt and what was happening and she knows that. It was not done maliciously. Brow I feel awful. Gotta keep moving forward. I have read db Dr and sec starved marriage. I left her my copy of Dr when she left. Now I know that was a useless thing to do. I am not going to call attention to that by asking for it back. The 4 C were courteous confident consistent and I forget the forth one at the moment. I think it was conscise maybe....have to check. Seems like shes drifting farther away. People tell.me to just giveup especially since ive been saying I had my doubts about the marriage over the years. I want to divorce this marriage. Not my wife. Make sense? I just wanted change and now that ive spoken io about it. She bolted and I feel like I couldvr done this differently.

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome! You've got a good start having read DB and gotten a DB coach. Have you read DR as well? DR is a bit more "updated" than DB.

She left by saying shes taking time to think and within 20 days her ring is off and shes telling people shes done....

WAS's always speak in absolutes. They'll say there's no hope, they're done, it's over, etc. Some later reconcile and some don't, so those kind of comments don't really offer any insight into what will happen in the future.

Your sitch is very young, this is a long, long process. It will take months if not a year or more to resolve. I'm 18 months post-BD and still don't know what the future holds regarding my M. So hang in there, it's a marathon, not a sprint! Use the time wisely. Own your mistakes in the M, do 180's on those mistakes. Become the spouse only a fool would leave.

[Breakdown]

Hey Paul. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good company.

Cadet will probably pop in shortly and let you know your W is giving you a gift of time....use it wisely. Clearly there have been issues in your M....now you have some time to think thru it, to think about changes you want to make, and roll up your sleeves and get to work. You do have some time....you can either sit on the sideline, or you can start working towards becoming the H only a fool would leave.

So what don't you like about your role in the M? What do you think the issues are from your W's perspective? What do you want to work on?

(2) If she is not wearing her ring, take yours off. It shows you accept and respect what she is doing, rather than fighting it. Fighting it will push her away further.

I'm going to disagree with this one (no offense melissa), at least at this point in time. There is one view that wearing your ring is pressure, and I can see that. But I don't think it's an absolute....to me, it's more of a personal choice.

I remember struggling with that one myself. I eventually chose to wear my ring as a symbol of my commitment to our M, at least until we were D'd. Post-D, my W wears hers half the time...I don't feel pressure from it, but I do take it as a symbol she's not done yet (right or wrong).

WAS's always speak in absolutes. They'll say there's no hope, they're done, it's over, etc. Some later reconcile and some don't, so those kind of comments don't really offer any insight into what will happen in the future.

Totally agree with AS on this one...they say "always" and "never" all the time. What they really mean is "I'm trying to convince myself." Give her space and focus on you for a while....don't buy into the absolutes.

[melissag]

Well, like the rest of us here, it sounds like you both could have done this differently! My H and I got stuck, too, until the only way he could determine to get unstuck was to escape the M. Have you told your W what you said here? That you agree with her that the M was awful, but you would like a new M with her?

Breakdown, no offense taken at all, and I agree, it is a personal choice. Paul, as with all the advice here, you have to decide what is right for your own sitch. For my sitch, I felt that my H felt so trapped, that I had to "set him free" in every possible way. He didn't want to feel married to me anymore. And I felt that wearing my rings would be a sign to him that I didn't accept that, which I thought would push him closer to divorce. I wish I could wear my rings. I love them. I love what they symbolize. I love being married. I love being married to my H. But since he's not feeling the same, I have them put away. I am planning to get another ring for myself to remind myself of my commitment to my H, but more so my commitment to myself - to love myself and believe in myself. I just haven't figured out exactly what the inscription is going to say.

Anyway, didn't mean to hijack and talk about myself.

I think you have already received some good advice. Get to work on identifying and implementing your 180s. Read and memorize Sandi's 37 Rules. Once you have your 180s set and you know the rules, be super consistent with them. Slipping up doesn't mean it's all over, but it means you end up undoing progress you had made.

And please, GAL! GAL like crazy! This is for you, and it does wonders.

By the way, if you have a chance, you might want to add a signature to your posts. It is good, especially when you are new, to sum up your sitch so that people know where you are without having to page back to the original post.

[paul19510]

Thanks All. I typed the original post on my kindle. Sorry for typos LOL. I am working with coach Jody and did last year at this time as well. We'll speak again after the holidays. She recommended giving W a summary email of events at the house one time per week to keep her aware. I also made Xmas eve plans with the kids that are different than any other ones we've had. That way, no old memories. This is our first Xmas in 17 years without each other.

With 3 kids we have almost daily contact on some level (text, email or voice). I am limiting that to essential topics only. I can't really go to NC.

I started working out each morning at the Y before the kids o to school. Feels great and I usually don't need any anxiety meds when I do that.
W stays at her parent's and usually takes one of the kids with her over night. She has also stayed across the street with friends of ours for several night due to bad weather and house sitting too. They did contact me to say it was awkward and that they were not taking sides. The offered her a place to sleep that is close to our barn (we have 5 horses...W's thing really) so she doesn't have to travel 30 mins just to do morning chores.

Jody mentioned these things usually happen when WAS feels awful about things in general, and in fact W shared that she felt awful about the kids, the house, and her job and me too when we ha our first BIG talk about this on 11/9. I asked her if she needed some time to herself and told her we could look into it, b/c things at the house were getting very bad and the kids and we were suffering. She thought about it until the day after Thanksgiving and then told me she was moving to parents.


I also read No More Mr nice guy. Great ideas about giving too much up and becoming resentful. that's me. I ran the house and took care of the family like a single parent for almost 2 years now. W went to work and took care of her horses. In fact now that she's gone I realized that my day to day life is no different. Family and friends mean well, but the say let her go and stop hurting. Not sure why, but I'm not ready. Does this make me crazy?

My 180's are to stop helping and offering things. Makes it worse per Jody when WAS feels like I am trying to save her.

another 180 is to stop chasing. Other than essential stuff and I try to ask if anything is 'essential' now, I don't contact her.

When the topic of our sitch did come up during this past week she cries and says she misses the kids. I told her WE miss you also. She just stares at the ground.

There were more frequent contacts in the first 4 days gone and she came into the house during those days and made herself coffee and sat around with the kids. Now things are trailing off. She no longer comes into the house and tries to avoid bumping into me when she pulls in the driveway. That was during the same week she went from "I just need time to think...to telling the neighbor's wife, "I'm Done" She did not tell me that ad I won't bring it up either. OK that's all I have for now. thanks to all for any guidance.

[paul19510]

when I spoke with Jody on that I mentioned I had put it back on and she liked that.

[paul19510]

I did. I told her, I'd like to burn it to the ground and build it better. NO Reply.

[paul19510]

thanks! I just added the signature.