I'm sorry I wasn't really trying to give you my opinion, I was seriously asking you to ask yourself those questions?
How do you feel about it, and what are you doing for yourself? My only opinion is that you've let fear take over, I understand that, fear cripples us in many ways.
Fear in being alone, fear of rejection, fear that something is wrong with us, fear of saying anything to make things worse, it shuts us down in so many ways, that we become just a shell of ourselves. So much so that we become willing to be a punching bag cause its better than facing the world alone, and trying to start all over again. Does any of that hit home?
Your so busy trying to gain her respect in some way, that you don't realize you've become just the opposite in many ways.
The question phase, we've all gone thru it, my answer to that is you can ask all the questions you want, but you are NOT going to like any of the answers, and its probably going to make things much worse for yourself.
Your trying so hard to have a positive reaction to what she's doing, that you've completely lost your own identity. Who are you? are you happy? are you in a frame of mind that your doing things for you or just trying to not rock the boat?
You say things aren't going forwards or backwards, but the next sentence says she's out partying more? This is obviously a HUGE trigger for you. Your mind is running wild with ideas of what she could be doing. The people she's now surrounded herself with, which is very common to find people to enable your actions.
I think counseling is a GREAT idea, but for YOU only. I'm truly sorry, but in her mind there is no marriage, why would she need to work on that? I think approaching her at all would be a mistake in your mindset, your still trying to ask yourself how? why? when?. Sadly you may never get those answers.
You need to separate yourself from the situation, I don't know what you need to do for yourself to make that happen. I cant tell you if that's moving out, if its figuring out how to detach (which is always the best option but one of the hardest things to actually do), or ask her to move out?
Do you have a friend or family member that you've confided in? Are you just using these forums for your outlet? I see you have 48 posts, but only a few here in a new thread, try to stick to one thread so people can really follow the story easier. You will get a lot more advice if people don't have to jump around for certain information. Post on other peoples threads too, it will increase responses to your own.
I think at one point, and that point might even be now, you will probably need to talk to a lawyer, just to get some information, to cover yourself. It doesn't mean go and file, it just means your in need of some information. Your wife doesn't have to know you went, preferably not actually.
I know this is hard to swallow, but things are probably going to get worse before they can get any better. If she isn't trying to get a job, your going to need to start protecting yourself financially. If/when the time comes your ready to stand for yourself, she's not going to like it, the money then tends to start disappearing.
If you can afford it, the phone coaching sessions here are wonderful. I think maybe you need to write everything out again in this thread, give every bit of detail you can. The information at the beginning just isn't enough. How long have you been together, how long married, what do you think the issues are that got you here. What exactly did your wife tell you, what have you said/done since? Once some of the vets start chiming in, some are going to nurture you along, others can tend to break the 2x4 out and will be as blunt as possible.
Remember no one here is trying to beat you up, just get you to recognize whats happening. How you can proceed, and what you need to do for yourself. People here will try their best to help you try to save your marriage, but the reality of it is, better than half of marriages don't make it.
Have you read divorce rememdy yet? if not buy it, check it out at your local library, but get reading NOW.
